Advice Needed From Any Sufferers Out There.

[Sarah_1990]

Ok. So I know that everyone thinks differently and that everyone deals with their disorder in their own way, but I am just kind of looking for some insight.

When you have pushed away your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, did you really want them gone?

And if you truly did not want them gone, did it bother you when they kept fighting for you or if they kept doing little things for you?

Just curious. Thank you for anyone who responds. :)

 

[surviving_it_all]

I am a sufferer. I don't know your situation. I know my situation. I can share that with you.

Sometimes, when I pushed a person away in the past, I didn't really want this person gone. It was always the PTSD speaking and anxiety. Now, I am in a situation where I have no desire to continue a relationship with a person. This person has truly made me feel horrible about myself. I feel more and more horrible each and every time he intervenes in my life. I want to move on, but its incredibly hard to move on when this person is constantly intervening. I really want nothing to do with the person, but this person does not get it. I have no safe place to go where I feel able to express myself freely without some judgment or idea being forced on me. Its unfortunate, but when a person says to leave them alone you have to listen. You don't want to be like the person I am dealing with. There is no escaping his intrusions. That is all I want. I want to be left alone to rebuild my life. I guess it did not bother me as much when it was just friends telling me this or that since its what he wanted them to say. Now that it has traveled to work relationships, I sometimes truly want to die. No one will leave me alone to move on. That is truly what I want.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Thank you for responding. I am so sorry about that person in your life. If you do not mind me asking, how is or was that person making you feel bad about yourself? What is being done that is causing so much harm?

 

[surviving_it_all]

That is sort of personal. For me, compartments and boundaries are how I survive. Who's right is it to tell me they are not reliable? Maybe if I was a child, my parent could say that. Maybe, my therapist could tell me that. I have never discussed how badly I need compartments and boundaries. When they aim to destroy all of these, this person does not know how far they are pushing me off the edge. I hope they know what they are doing to me. I asked to be left alone. I meant it. I don't this person doing anything nor commenting on any part of my life. If I could erase every memory I have of this person, I would in a split second.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Oh wow. I am so sorry to hear all that. I really hope one day soon you are free of this person. I cannot imagine the toll he is putting on you. I wish you all the best. I am sure you have tried telling this person that you do not want him in your life...

 

[rightkindofme]

When you have pushed away your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend, did you really want them gone?

And if you truly did not want them gone, did it bother you when they kept fighting for you or if they kept doing little things for you?

I'd say it depends on the boyfriend. Most of them I wanted gone. My husband is actually someone I dumped. He didn't believe me and came back and asked me to marry him after being friends for a year and a half after we stopped dating. Tenacious bastard. I love him.

If any of my other ex's had continued to pine after me I would have been withering and nasty. In fact I was. I'm not one to hold on to soft feelings when I feel done with someone.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Did you tell your husband hurtful things when you pushed him away?

 

[rightkindofme]

Why did I dump him in the first place? When we met we were both polyamorous with other primary partners. We were each a 'piece on the side'. I left my SO six months into dating my now husband. N (my husband) still had his other primary and spent a few months trying to talk me into being a 'co-primary' which sounded shitty and demeaning to me. I want to be the only important one. Even when I was ok with non-monogamy (we are monogamous at this point and if he ever strays I am divorcing him) it was with a very strong alpha model. I was ok with non-emotionally involved just-sex-friends. Not girlfriends. That takes time and energy I'm not willing to share.

So I dumped him. I wasn't going to give him an ultimatum and ask him to pick. I just left. But he stayed my best friend. I started dating someone else (monogamous) not too long after that breakup. N asked me to marry him the next time I became single. He knew that I wouldn't be for long. Ha.

 

[rightkindofme]

I believe my words were, "I have too many balls in the air and I need to drop one. It has to be you because you offer the most stress for the least reward. I'm sorry." Then I left crying.

We were still good friends and gym buddies after that. So he doesn't feel I was mean to him.

 

[Orglethorp]

I find myself pushing people away all the time, for many reasons. I'm a walking contradiction of privacy settings, so to speak. One day I might be willing to tell a near-stranger about my past, and the next day I might not even want to engage in chit chat with my closest friends. There are days when I quite literally stay in my room all day, and sometimes I wonder if my roommates even realize that I'm home. On days when I'm just not dealing with anything very well, I'll find the lamest excuses to decline invitation from friends to get out of the house. Sometimes I'll make it difficult for certain people to communicate with me just to see how sincerely they really want to have that contact. (I hate that I do that, but I still do it.)

That being said, I have never strung a boyfriend along. At any point, if I have truly wanted them gone, I have made it absolutely clear that I was ending the relationship.