Advice needed please

[Debbie87]

I need some advice. I have discovered I was (sexually) abused as a child but I only have body memories, no flashbacks and only one vague image, which I question because I want answers so much. I have been getting help but I am taking a break at the moment because I have so much stress in the present that I can't access the past repressed memories. When I first started facing the possibility of my abuse it started pulling my relationship apart, I tried to explain to him that I'm not the same person as before and that I'm finding coping very difficult. He has tried everything to get the relationship back and when I say that I mean he has taken his anger over my change out on me (belittling me in front of my kids, mocking me, criticising me) and our children (being rough with them, telling them he will put them through the wall and telling them to shut up) I know he wouldn't actually hit them though.

He has tried every trick in the book to get me back he even came to me crying that he didn't want to lose me and then playing the victim to his family. They think I'm just being difficult and selfish, they nothing of my abuse, only his side of the story. He has been so angry because I no longer treat him like a God (his words not mine). It is taking it's toll on the children, they hate seeing Mommy and Daddy fighting. Apart from the effect the abuse has on me (anxiety, depression etc) through his behaviour and my counselling, I see that I've spent most of my life pleasing him and doing what he wants. I see his true colors since the split, he wants it his way and will hurt me and the children in order to get it. I know this is out of fear and his ego has been bruised but that doesn't make it okay. If I didn't have children I would have walked away ages ago but I do and I know they're being hurt with my decisions. I have tried explaining but he just doesn't want to know unless it means us getting back together. Financially it is difficult so even if I wanted to leave I can't, I will get on my feet but for the moment that is the situation. I don't know what to do. It's breaking my heart seeing how our children are being negatively effected by it all. I don't want a relationship like that, I want someone who understands and has respect for me...he clearly doesn't.
I told him I would go to counselling with him just to get him off my back for awhile. I hate this and can't seem to find a way to make it alright.

 

[Changing4Best]

It is not alright and it does not look like it will be alright until you get the children and yourself away from him. His behavior is unacceptable. Is there a family member you can take yourself and the children to stay with, (parents, sibling, or a friend)? You need to get yourself and the children to safety, before he carries out a threat like that. And believe me, if he can think it, and say it, he can do it too! Be careful!!!

 

[Debbie87]

No there is nowhere for me to go unfortunately, I just don't have the funds...
This has been going on for a long while now. It has taken it's toll on me. He keeps blowing hot and cold, I'm worn out...

 

[Changing4Best]

I understand that, I would feel that way too! Have you asked someone at your church or other such places, is there a shelter where abused family members can go?

 

[Debbie87]

Probably if I looked into it but If I do that it would cause even more stress on my children. They don't understand what's going on. Apart from that he would make my life hell, maybe try to get them took off me. I currently on medication for my anxiety and I'm not working I'm sure he would use that against me. Ages ago he said if he left things would get very bitter between us.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are there any domestic abuse shelters near you?

 

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like a difficult situation. I can't offer much advice, but I send love, peace and encouragement your way. :hug::):hug:

 

[Debbie87]

Thank you so much sleepingwolf, thank you for taking the time to reply. Things have gotten worse since I posted last. I think I really need to find a way to leave.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

If a supporter can’t empathize with you and your situation, then it is definitely time to go. I’ve been a very understanding supporter and I given my all to my sufferer. I wish you the best in your future.

 

[Debbie87]

Thank you B.J. I do it's time to go, I can't be with someone who does not understand what I'm going through, let alone the fact that they make everything about them. I just have to figure out how to financially support myself in order to do so.

 

[Scarlet13]

I don't think his response has to do with your past abuse. That may be what he says or what he blames.
He is making an excuse for his behavior and blaming you.
Belittling you and threats of harm to your kids is not something that is justifiable or explainable other than the fact that he is abusive and toxic.
I was constantly threatened harm by my stepfather. He carried through multiple times.
The thought of death constantly hung over me.
I would have preferred my mother to leave. To get me out of there.
I had the fantasy of moving to a one room apartment.
Except my mother was not in touch with reality and greatly minimized everything.
It sounds like you are in touch and are aware.
You can get out. You can do it. You can look into shelters. Maybe there are some amazing services out there.

 

[Debbie87]

I'm so sorry Scarlet13 for what you went through. If I'm honest with myself I think I have been minimising it to some degree but mainly because my child is one minute saying she is upset by her Fathers behaviour towards her but then the next minute she is saying she loves him and just wants him to 'stop being mean' as she puts it. It has been tearing me apart inside, I thought I could find way to fix this but I can't, no matter how hard I try to get along with him he always manages to find a way to start an argument again. He thinks if he does this enough I will give in because he knows I hate conflict. I stand up for myself but it all has me worn out.