Advice Needed

[Lotis]

Hi,

Some of you have read my previous threads about losing my first therapist after 10 years. After almost 4 years of not being in therapy, I felt ready to try again and I really needed to be in therapy! So after searching for about 3 months and trying different therapists I found one who was competent, knew trauma and dealt with many PTSD patients, could work with my insurance and my schedule (why do therapists refuse to have evening hours??). Anyway, I saw this therapist for a month and a half. I took every precaution, asked about her commitment to our therapy, asked if she could handle it, asked when she was retiring, asked about if she would leave me. She reassured me more than once she was in this for the long haul, wouldn't leave blah blah blah.
Well guess what? Something happened (family thing) and I get a phone call... basically I'm told she cannot commit the time that I need and she felt guilty canceling on me once because she knows I need consistency and it is not fair to both of us. She doesn't want to happen with her what happened with my last therapist. It is a very similar situation. She said not continuing with her would be my decsion. But itsounded like she made the decision. I mean she never gave me the chance to say ill take my chances or no im going elsewhere. Because I was so taken aback by the call I didn't ask anything. I just said ok hung up and sobbed. A week later I decided to call her and ask if it was me or something I said etc. She said no. She can't give me what I need. I need an expert. If sometting happens with her family she needs to drop everything, cancel sessions maybe even close her practice. She is not doing this with all her patients by the way, just me. She mentioned that. So I asked if she could refer me, she said no. She said she may know 2 people but with my serious issues she is not sure they would be a fit. She said good luck to you and we hung up.
I felt worse then I did before. My serious issues? She doesn't have any referrals? She's not willing to help me at all, just send me on my way? I didn't say anything other than this sucks and ok. I really felt lost and just horrible about everything. I thought she'd help find someone else...at least.
Anyway, it's another week later and I still feel completely alone and abandoned. I feel so bad I'm having really dark thoughts which is not good.
I mean it's not like we didn't start on some heavy issues already. We were really working on stuff.
I have some things I would like to say to her so that she knows this was a BIG deal to me! I was thinking maybe I should right a letter and mail it to her. I do not believe this will change anything, this is for me. This is for me to get closure because I feel like she dumped me. What do you guys think?
I would write how this all made me feel and her not helping me and her committing to this then not commiting. I would just get it all out on paper to her because when I talk I clam up and nothing I want to say comes out. Do you guys think it's a good or bad idea?
All thoughts welcome. I really could use some help here.
Thanks
L

 

[expectingbetter]

I am really sorry this happened to you, this is my biggest fear too when therapy is concerned.
Her behavior was not really professional, she should have known better in advance, you asked her repeatedly and she was convincing you the opposite then did the only one thing you wanted so badly to prevent.

I think you should write a letter to her, an email, very thorough one, when you calm down enough, sit and write to her exactly how you feel. I think it would do you good.Be completely honest, you owe that to yourself and don't think of her feelings.

I wouldn't be upset she didn't refer me to another one, as I wouldn't like to go to somebody who would be her choice, I wouldn't trust her enough after this. So I wish you luck with finding a new therapist yourself, the one you deserve.

It is not your fault she acted this way, it's something which is her own issue, I don't mean on family thing, but some mental thing.

 

[watundah]

Wow. I'm so sorry. You deserve more. Help is available and I hope that you'll keep seeking it. This certainly is a good reason to feel badly and I would definitely put it all out there, just don't be disappointed if she doesn't respond.
Sending healing thoughts your way.

 

[ladee]

Yes, do it for YOU!! No, it won't change anything on her end. But it will on yours! This was not OK on any level. I am so sorry you are having to do the T search now with open wounds. And again, trust. We are adults now. We get to tell people when they hurt us. Sending gentle hugs of comfort and energy to focus.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel like she dumped me.

She did, basically. That was a sucky way to do it if she was over her head she could have been a tiny bit more professional.

I dont think you should write a letter. You are still holding on to it. I dont blame you as i would to but in my opinion, force it aside and force yourself up and go look for another therapist. They are out there. Mine, which i found by accident, is not just a trauma specialist, he also has worked with cult survivors (what i am) and knows the sort of "special needs" and "extra challenges" and he also spent 15 yrs as a therapist for a drug rehab, im a clean addict. If i can find him accidentlly, you can find one on purpose.

Look for one that specializes in childhood trauma. Also look for one that has been practicing for a long time. Id also spend a good time trust building before really any trauma is worked through, even light stuff. Talk more about the present, see how things are taken (are they shocked by anything, are they knowledgable, have they worked with this before). Not specific questions like that. Like the first year (dont have to be that long) that i was in therapy with my current therapist we just spoke about my family, my job etc. Now we have been "together" if you will, for over 7 yrs. I went about as slow as one can go so im not saying go that slow but trust needs to be built. I spent about the first 3 convinced he was going to leave me. Go as slow as you need to built that trust up to know they wont leave.

Im so sorry that happened! :hug:

 

[scout86]

Ouch! I think she DOES know it's a big deal to you, but she probably felt like she didn't have a choice and it was better to end things before you got any more involved. It does sound like she thought she was in over her head. I'm not sure there's a real good way to express that to someone. I'd like to think there's a better way to do it than she did....... I guess, in her situation, I might have done some research to try to come up with someone to refer you too, just to make it easier for you, knowing that this was going to be hard.

Myself, I think I'd skip the letter and focus on finding a new and better therapist. That's not easy to do, and it's a lot harder in some areas than others. But, there's no harm in writing and/or sending the letter. What's the worst she could do? It's not like she could fire you. But, from what you said she said, I'm pretty sure she gets it and just didn't know what else to do.

 

[ladee]

You can write the letter, and then hold on to it for awhile. Doesn't mean you have to send it. But if it were me, I would write the letter. I get to tell people when they hurt me today!! It is very empowering. Whether you send it or not, it is out of your head. You may have to write more than one.It will be up to you whether or not you hit 'send'.
You will find another T. And you will be stronger for this experience. Sucks, I know. Sure would be nice if we could do some of our growth without pain.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[greenleaf]

There are better ones, people are right. Lots of better ones! Finding one can be hard, but I feel like you took a good approach in being up front; you understand trust better than that therapist did. Please keep searching.:hug:

 

[Lotis]

I wouldn't be upset she didn't refer me to another one, as I wouldn't like to go to somebody who would be her choice, I wouldn't trust her enough after this. So I wish you luck with finding a new therapist yourself, the one you deserve.

Thank you for your reply @Link Removed. I am upset that she did not refer me to someone else because it is the right ethical thing to do. Therapists have best practices and one of those best practices is ensuring that one of your patients has someplace else to go. I mean it is just the right thing to do. It hurts knowing that she didn't care enough to help me find another resource. We all know how hard it is to find good help. I mean even if I didn't use the referral it still would have shown she was fulfilling her responsibilities.
I do not have the hope right now to find another therapist. I really am feeling low. Thanks for reading.
L

 

[Lotis]

Wow. I'm so sorry. You deserve more. Help is available and I hope that you'll keep seeking it. This ce...

Thank you @watundah. I do not think I can possibly be more disappointed by her. I don't expect a response. I really just want her to know that this was a poor response on her part and if she knows how much damage this did to me perhaps she won't do it to someone else.
L

 

[Lotis]

Yes, do it for YOU!! No, it won't change anything on her end. But it will on yours! This was not OK on any level. I am so sorry you are having to do the T search now with open wounds. And again, trust. We are adults now. We get to tell people when they hurt us. Sending gentle hugs of comfort and energy to focus.

Thank you @Link Removed You know what you are SO right! We are adults now and we DO get to tell people when they hurt us. I have always stayed quiet. I never told anyone about my abuse growing up; I never had anyone to tell. But even when someone hurt me, like a friend would say something hurtful regardless of their intention I would stay quiet in fear of rocking the boat or in fear of being wrong or that I was overreacting or that I deserved it.

I am so sick and tired of being hurt! I want to speak up because I don't deserve to be hurt anymore. I am sick and tired of people getting away with hurting me. I feel like I need to write this letter FOR ME. I want her to know the pain and damage she has caused me. I realize she was trying to avoid hurting me but it backfired. Over the course of 2 months she saw how emotionally invested I was to therapy and getting well. She even reassured my previous therapist (who I still have contact with in a non-therapeutic way) that she was in this with me and could handle it. After they spoke it was a weight lifted off of my shoulders because I truly believed this would work out and she was going to see me through this.
I just can't believe this went the terrible way that it went.

You can write the letter, and then hold on to it for awhile. Doesn't mean you have to send it. But if it were me, I would write the letter. I get to tell people when they hurt me today!! It is very empowering. Whether you send it or not, it is out of your head. You may have to write more than one.It will be up to you whether or not you hit 'send'.
You will find another T. And you will be stronger for this experience. Sucks, I know. Sure would be nice if we could do some of our growth without pain.

I could do this. But I think if I write the letter I am going to send it. She doesn't have e-mail at least I don't have her address so i will mail it snail mail if I choose. I agree that this will be very empowering. If I can take anything away from this experience it will be that I stuck up for myself. I did not go gentle into that good night. :mad:
Thank You.
L