Advice? No Relationship For 6 Years

[Inwardly_Broken]

I have not been in a relationship for over six years now. I just have completely lost trust in guys. If there has been a guy that I started to have feelings for I would back off. I always get myself worked up and feeling guilty because he is going to have to deal with all my junk. Well now, I find myself really liking a guy. I am completely comfortable around him. I can talk to him, be myself, I don't need to have any guards up. It's really weird for me but also very refreshing. We are starting to take things a little more serious and looking into an actual dating relationship. But should I tell him about my troubled past and my current struggle with PTSD before anything happens or should I wait until we started dating? I don't want to scare him off but I'm not sure how to approach this whole thing. Any advice?

 

[saffy]

Hi Inwardly broke

I am so glad to hear that you have found someone that you feel comfortable with.

No, I would not say anything at this point in the relationship but continue with how you have been with him all this time, which is working by the sounds of it.:)

Think about what you think your triggers might be with him when the relationship gets going and write these down. Also write down rational ways of dealing with them. I.E all the scenarios you think you might come up against that might trigger you. This gives you preparation and allows you to recognise things and deal with them before they get out of hand.

Remember that in your mind you might think This might happen or that might happen, but you should also tell yourself that It might NOT happen too. And it is only a might not a definite.

For instance, for me a trigger would be my fears of abandonment. In the past these fears have actually caused this because I started acting irrationally and thinking negative thoughts about it happening in the future. It was a self full fulling prophecy.

Rather than just enjoying what I had and working on it, I ran away from a fear that I assumed might happen in the future. I cannot predict that. Does that make sense?

Take your time and do it in a pace you feel comfortable with. If you start having doubts ask yourself if these doubts are rational or based on negative thoughts and beliefs. Ask yourself if your thoughts are because your self esteem is not at its best or your confidence might be lower than usual.

You have the power to set your own boundaries and if he over steps these then you have every right to say, 'hang on I do not feel comfortable with that'.

I know what you are going through hun, these are all things I have to practise myself. When I do not and look back I kick myself and think what a wally I have been. I've have lost some good people because of it :)

Have fun with him, you are worth it :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Inwardly_Broken]

Thanks Saffy, this really does help. He knows I have been through a lot, no details though, and he does not seem scared by it.

On one hand hand, I want to tell him before we end up going any further. That way he can prepare himself and know what he is getting into. Then for my sake, if he gets scared and runs away then it would be less hurt for me.

On the other hand, I want to wait to tell him. That way he can get to know me for who I am currently then I can ease him into my baggage. But I don't want him to be hurt that I waited to tell him and have him see me as dishonest or anything like that. If he decides he can't handle it and runs away then I am going to be even more hurt the longer the relationship goes on.

I always live by the saying, "In life you have to take risks and chances because you never know how things might turn out." I am willing to take a chance and a risk on this guy. I just find myself getting all wishy-washy on when I should tell him about my baggage.

 

[saffy]

But I don't want him to be hurt that I waited to tell him and have him see me as dishonest or anything like that

Hi IwB

He will not hun, if he genuinely likes you he will take the rough with the smooth.

You are worrying too much again about the other persons feelings based on something that might not even happen, remember they are not as 'delicate' as we are :)

Being honest is a good thing, but what you disclose to do that is down to how much you really think he needs to know. Does he really need to know the fine details? He cannot do anything about the past, He wants you as you are right now today, this minute and, as they say, tomorrow never comes, because tomorrow will be today ;)

If you feel wishy washy is because you are having doubts and worries about what to do for the best. You are worrying about making a decision that could change everything in a few words, one way or another.

So if you are enjoying this man now and feel happy. why would you want to change that? Why rock the apple cart unnecessarily. The apples are just fine the way the are ;)

Making a final decision what to do will ease this wishy washy feeling but always weigh up the pros and cons first, and once you make that decision you have to stick to it, no matter what the outcome. If you decide to tell him and he gets cold feet it will be too late to retract it. But if you decide to carry on light hearted and open to love then you can build on the relationship and learn to protect and support each other when needed.

You have already said he knows you have had problems, that is enough, if he was going to run away he would have done by now.

Be the person you are in the present not the past or the future. :)

If and that is only an if, you do have an episode then you can deal with it then and there. What I mean to say is that you can deal with it if and when it comes up and up till then you are going to enjoy this man and embrace how he is making you feel now.

I know it will be hard, you have to be strong and keep telling yourself positive things if inner dialogue suddenly goes towards negative thinking about what might happen.

I am not saying you do not have to listen to your feelings or instincts, that would be robotic, but recognise them when they come up and deal with them then. Hope that makes sense.

And like you said you are willing to give this guy a chance which says a lot about him as a person :)

And believe me I am also trying to practise what I preach here at this moment too.

I believe and have faith that we can both do it and be happy, at last :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MagiLisu]

I agree with Saffy, I would wait and see where the relationship goes.

It took me a few years before I was completely open with my spouse about everything, and even now I haven't felt comfortable telling them everything.

It takes time, just enjoy the new relationship.

 

[Inwardly_Broken]

Thanks so much you two. We sat down and talked for four hours last night. We were just grabbing dinner and he started opening up about his upbringing and some of the few struggles he has gone through. I was surprised that he opened up like that.

He then honestly wanted to know my upbringing and past. I gave him a warning but he said he really wanted to know. I didn't go into details but I told him a majority of what I have gone through: sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse, being attacked, addictions to drugs, alcohol, self-harm, suicide attempts, etc. I left some other information out like miscarriages, PTSD, and things like that but he just sat there and looked me in the eyes the whole time.

Afterwards he said that he is amazed at who I have become and that he really admires me for that. He continued to say that the past is the past and the future is the future. The past can leave scars and wounds and the future brings healing and growth. He is willing to support me and help me through anything and everything.

We haven't started offically dating, but I am really hoping we do. I am really excited to see where this can lead. That sounds so weird for me to say. It kind of scares me but I am still excited! :inlove:

 

[MagiLisu]

I am glad that you have been able to open up to him and that he responded well.

The rest can come in time.

You have found a wonderful person there.

 

[saffy]

WoW he sounds lovely, has he got a brother :p

I am so pleased for you. Keep grounded though and enjoy the feeling. IF it doesn't blossom into anything else at least you have a very good friend, which is a priceless thing to have :)

take you time and let it grow, like a sunflower :)

I am so pleased for you and thanks for sharing. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Inwardly_Broken]

:hug: Thanks you two. You guys have helped a lot! I love this site. The other things will come out in time and I will not push it.

He admitted that it was a bit to wrap his mind around because he grew up a little sheltered. I told him if he has any questions or confusion on anything he can ask me and I'd be willing to answer the best I can. He said he would take me up on that.

If we do start dating and things become real serious in time, then I will open up more about the other things. But if we date and decide it doesn't work out then I won't tell him the rest. That seems like a good mix to me.

Saffy... actually he does have a brother but he is younger and is 20 years old haha.

 

[belong to live]

He then honestly wanted to know my upbringing and past. I gave him a warning but he said he really wanted to know. I didn't go into details but I told him a majority of what I have gone through: sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse, being attacked, addictions to drugs, alcohol, self-harm, suicide attempts, etc. I left some other information out like miscarriages, PTSD, and things like that but he just sat there and looked me in the eyes the whole time.

It's a great feeling when you feel someone will not give up on you and knows the important things. You have come into each others lives for a reason and whatever happens try to be positive nurturing and understanding of each other.

My situation is post traumatic stress from a near fatal work accident, and childhood trauma from my upbringing of my Dad going to Vietnam. I met a beautiful lady one year ago. It's funny because we actually chatted briefly on a dating site. I knew she lived in a particular area and she was a bar worker.

At the time I was in a band and the next day we played a gig at a pub. While setting up I noticed the lady behind the bar. She looked familiar. It had to be the lady off the dating sight. I introduced myself and asked if her name was **** Yes she said. I mentioned the dating site and she turned bright red. Anyway I was there to play music so I did but at the end of the night we hit it off and we went home together.

I believe we connected on so many levels each of us opening up more than we had with anybody else. She has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and has had a lot of trauma in her life. Her second husband was in with the bikers so she had a wild life involving drugs, lots of money, partying. They had a great house, car and boat and all the fruit. Later he was put in jail for dealing drugs and all the material things she had were lost. While he was in jail she supported her ten year old daughter and herself by working the bar. Lost all the above and moved to a rental and drove a crappy car. Her dad was ex navy and an abusive alcoholic. The kids were told by her Mum to go to their rooms and hide under the blankets when her Dad came home drunk.

He abused her emotionally and physically at least I know. He dropped her angrily on a hard arm of a chair when she was seven and hurt her back resulting in a curvature of the spine and neck issues. She moved around a lot when growing up and lacked stability in that way.

I think we found each other and were attracted to each other because of the traumas we have both had. After a while we started triggering each others feelings of safety and emotions and have been on again and off again. Deep down we truly love and care for each other but it's quite a rollercoaster so far.

We are learning about ourselves and each other. Last night she revealed to me a skeleton from her past that only her ex husband knows. She was an IV drug user for five years and me having never gone there was totally shocked. She said she walked away from it more than ten years ago and hasn't done it since.

I had mixed emotions of shock and sadness amongst others. The biggest thing she said was when she left her first husband she had setup to shoot up heroin for the first time because she hated herself so much and was in self destruction mode.

She felt he was too good for her but at the same time he was boring to her. She craved excitement, risks and had a wild streak. This had the biggest impact on me as I said you must have felt massive pain to do what she did. I felt sick because she did the heroin and then had sex with the guy that became her second husband. So she actually introduced him to the drugs and has created her future unconsciously testing her boundaries, limits and taking huge risks in a spiral of self destruction.

I was not judgmental and said I feel honored you have chosen to tell me and I am proud of who she is now.

Still she knows I am shocked and she trusts me to never tell anyone. Explains a lot more about her, myself and us as a couple.

 

[Inwardly_Broken]

Belong to Live, thank you so much for sharing! Hearing your story gives me a lot of hope for my relationship with this guy. One of my biggest fears though, is that I do not want him to feel like "What did I get myself into?" when I have a bad day, week, or month. I am still going through a lot of healing personally. I will have a lot more healing that takes place once I enter a dating relationship. I guess I just feel a little guilty and ashamed for them.

 

[MagiLisu]

inwardly_broken, I often feel guilty about all the pressure & stress and I can put on my partner. I often think to myself why don't they just go off and find a nice 'normal' person.

The truth is my partner wants to be with me, despite all my faults and emotional baggage, I'm the one they want.

Leaving me has crossed my partners mind and in fact we did break up once a few years back but for some strange reason they came back.

I have decided that my partner is a glutton for punishment ;).