Everhopeful
Silver Member
I would appreciate any insight and advice please. My husband (suffering from Complex PTSD as a result of horrific childhood abuse; Bipolar Mood Disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder) and I have had a really rough 9 months of marriage. Our friendship and feelings for each other are strong, but things have been turbulent to say the least. We are fortunate to have access to fairly good medical care, and he has been under psychiatric supervision and has been to see two therapists in this time. He did not gel with either of the two therapists, unfortunately.
The thing is, I was the one who instigated his first attempt at therapy, when he was just in a sudden total state of decompensation and regression. He would keep himself locked in a dark room for days, with suicidal ideation, cutting himself, etc. The person was a pastoral therapist, and it ended up going pear-shaped, as the therapy was meant for my husband to address some burning issues that he had revealed to me (never spoken to anyone about it ever before). The big issue was the incest with his (now deceased) abusive mother. It was a hot potato which I obviously subconsciously felt that I could not carry on my own, and I probably was crying out for help with this, more than my husband was.
This therapy sadly ended up turning into the run of the mill "couples conflict mediation therapy" which irritated the living daylight out of me for obvious reasons (Rome is burning, stop fiddling!!). The therapist then seemed to turn upon me, and I seemed to be viewed in the light of a totally manipulative woman, who was actually labelling my husband as being mentally ill, when in fact perhaps I have more issues than him!
Then after this therapy went south, my husband had a breakdown of sorts, and was admitted for a short-term intervention at a psychiatric hospital, where they seemed to think he was suffering from Bipolar Mood Disorder and medicated him accordingly and he started going to a psychodynamic orientated clinical psychologist for "trauma therapy". Unfortunately, in hindsight, this seemed to open up the trauma floodgates in my husband and he seemed to get even worse. He seemed to be emotionally flooded, had terrible nightmares and flashbacks, seemed to hear voices and have delusioned thoughts at times of severe psychological distress.
This was also when he started self-medicating on big doses of tranquilisers every day just to get through the week until his next once weekly session with the psychologist.
Eventually, he just did not go back to this psychologist, as he just felt that he was being ripped open every time, but there was no sense of containment at all.
Now, after many rollercoaster months and much effort on both my husband and on my own part to seek healing and a positive way forward for both of us (me acknowledging and addressing my own issues too!), we have been referred to a new clinical psychologist who is more Cognitive Behavioural based and also deals with trauma, mood disorders, ptsd, personality disorders.
This seems like a big step forward, as my husband keeps on insisting that he does not just want to dwell and rehash his traumatic childhood all the time. He feels that his great lack in life is that at the age of 36, he has a lack of lifeskills. He is keen to work on his past in the context of learning essential coping skills as per CBT and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. He acknowledges that he possibly suffers more from Borderline Personality Disorder than an inherent Mood DIsorder, possibly both.
As we have done from the start of our relationship, we have gone to his first appointments together. He feels that he benefits from the back up I can provide for him as he often does not feel very clear-headed and he forgets to mention certain things. I try very hard to hold myself back and not put words in anyone's mouth, but just to be there as a support.
Now, after the first appointment with the new psychologist, who will now see my husband once a week for the next six weeks, as a start, and work through CBT/DBT skills with him, my husband has asked if I will accompany him to each and every session...
I am not sure if it would be advisable to do so? On the one hand, I would love to be a support and also perhaps benefit from the skills training exercises. It would also help me deal with the fallout from his trauma and the manifestations of BPD (I don't think he is very extreme like some cases I have read about, but he definitely manifests all the behaviours, etc of a Discouraged subtype BPD).
On the other hand, this therapy is his private time with a therapist and perhaps it would hold him back sometimes from having me present? I don't want to impose on anything or anyone. I am still feeling very stirred up from the whole pastoral therapy story, how I seemed to morph from caring supporter to evil, scheming wife!
Any thoughts would be very appreciated.
The thing is, I was the one who instigated his first attempt at therapy, when he was just in a sudden total state of decompensation and regression. He would keep himself locked in a dark room for days, with suicidal ideation, cutting himself, etc. The person was a pastoral therapist, and it ended up going pear-shaped, as the therapy was meant for my husband to address some burning issues that he had revealed to me (never spoken to anyone about it ever before). The big issue was the incest with his (now deceased) abusive mother. It was a hot potato which I obviously subconsciously felt that I could not carry on my own, and I probably was crying out for help with this, more than my husband was.
This therapy sadly ended up turning into the run of the mill "couples conflict mediation therapy" which irritated the living daylight out of me for obvious reasons (Rome is burning, stop fiddling!!). The therapist then seemed to turn upon me, and I seemed to be viewed in the light of a totally manipulative woman, who was actually labelling my husband as being mentally ill, when in fact perhaps I have more issues than him!
Then after this therapy went south, my husband had a breakdown of sorts, and was admitted for a short-term intervention at a psychiatric hospital, where they seemed to think he was suffering from Bipolar Mood Disorder and medicated him accordingly and he started going to a psychodynamic orientated clinical psychologist for "trauma therapy". Unfortunately, in hindsight, this seemed to open up the trauma floodgates in my husband and he seemed to get even worse. He seemed to be emotionally flooded, had terrible nightmares and flashbacks, seemed to hear voices and have delusioned thoughts at times of severe psychological distress.
This was also when he started self-medicating on big doses of tranquilisers every day just to get through the week until his next once weekly session with the psychologist.
Eventually, he just did not go back to this psychologist, as he just felt that he was being ripped open every time, but there was no sense of containment at all.
Now, after many rollercoaster months and much effort on both my husband and on my own part to seek healing and a positive way forward for both of us (me acknowledging and addressing my own issues too!), we have been referred to a new clinical psychologist who is more Cognitive Behavioural based and also deals with trauma, mood disorders, ptsd, personality disorders.
This seems like a big step forward, as my husband keeps on insisting that he does not just want to dwell and rehash his traumatic childhood all the time. He feels that his great lack in life is that at the age of 36, he has a lack of lifeskills. He is keen to work on his past in the context of learning essential coping skills as per CBT and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. He acknowledges that he possibly suffers more from Borderline Personality Disorder than an inherent Mood DIsorder, possibly both.
As we have done from the start of our relationship, we have gone to his first appointments together. He feels that he benefits from the back up I can provide for him as he often does not feel very clear-headed and he forgets to mention certain things. I try very hard to hold myself back and not put words in anyone's mouth, but just to be there as a support.
Now, after the first appointment with the new psychologist, who will now see my husband once a week for the next six weeks, as a start, and work through CBT/DBT skills with him, my husband has asked if I will accompany him to each and every session...
I am not sure if it would be advisable to do so? On the one hand, I would love to be a support and also perhaps benefit from the skills training exercises. It would also help me deal with the fallout from his trauma and the manifestations of BPD (I don't think he is very extreme like some cases I have read about, but he definitely manifests all the behaviours, etc of a Discouraged subtype BPD).
On the other hand, this therapy is his private time with a therapist and perhaps it would hold him back sometimes from having me present? I don't want to impose on anything or anyone. I am still feeling very stirred up from the whole pastoral therapy story, how I seemed to morph from caring supporter to evil, scheming wife!
Any thoughts would be very appreciated.
