Relationship Advice please

[chris1983]

After some advice/information or even plain guidance.
I'm not naive to the impact of PTSD. I've seen first hand what this can do to people and it can effect every aspect of everyday life.

I'm in a new relationship - it's been 10 months now and my G/f. She has experienced some traumatic experiences in her previous marriage that she is getting help and support around.
Monetary abuse
Domestic violence
Sexual abuse - enforced oral sex, been made to have sexual intercourse when she was poorly - endometriosis.
So I want to be supportive and helpful and honestly think I am, but I'm getting to the point now where I don't know what else to do...
it mind sound pathetic to people reading this but I'm having real issues processing that she actually loves me, wants me rather than being a safer substitute than her ex husband for her and her little boy.
The reason I think this is are:
Twice during oral sex she screamed his name out at point of reaching climax. - she explained she was thinking of him when I was being with her but that it was trauma?
At night when asleep she calls for him, tells him she loves him, that she loves when they have sex on certain ways. We speak about this and I do tell what she has said in her sleep, she will say she doesn't mean it and that she is either being hurt in her sleep or having bad dreams that her son is going be kidnapped.
In the day she has called me the name of her ex in numerous situations sometimes when her family is there.
I get this might not sound massive to people for me it is a massive factor. The sex one is the biggest to think she was thinking, Fantasising about someone else and especially her ex husband is massive for me, I do get so angry (although never with her) when I'm called her ex name in the day and at night we have developed a strategy where I go and sleep in the living room on the sofa when she starts to talk in her sleep.

My question is what is this all about.
Is it trauma?
Is it her true feelings coming out and actually I'm a second best?
What do i actually do about this?
I'm avoidant in nature but truly love her and don't want to not be with her but how long can I cope with this for. For example the night talking is nearly every night maybe 6 out of 7
The day to day stuff is not as regular - normally in everyday settings like when we are with her family in a family setting where I then cannot just get up and leave.
The issue around sex was twice.

Any advice would be amazing.

 

[Deadman]

I can certainly understand how all of that would hurt. It seems difficult not to take it personally.

Is she getting any help? Has she been diagnosed with PTSD?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

been made to have sexual intercourse

Raped you mean, Let's not beat around the bush.

she doesn't mean it and that she is either being hurt in her sleep or having bad dreams

What is happening is she's having nightmares and he was probably so horrible that not only did he abuse her but if she says anything about it or doesn't pretend to like it it was much, much worse. Horrible but it's an abusive technique. So he can mess with her mind if she tried to say anything about the abuse. E.g. "You loved it, that's not what you said last night." Kind of stuff.

I know this doesn't make it hurt any less but at least it's an explanation. It must be very upsetting for you especially being in the situation where you want to be supportive. You may feel like you're not allowed to feel hurt. Well let me just say you are. What she's been through is terrible and it's great you're here trying to get more information and things but she doesn't own the monopoly on suffering. It's ok to feel what ever it is you're feeling.

That's really great news that she is getting some help for her ptsd.

I'm not going to lie being with someone who has ptsd is going to be hard so you're going to need to take care of yourself first. Counselling for you might be a good idea. someone to be able to talk all this stuff through with.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

she explained she was thinking of him when I was being with her but that it was trauma?

I think of my abusers during sex ALL OF THE TIME! Especially my step dad. I also oddly (though he said it was normal) think of my therapist. He said its cause I feel safe with my therapist.

At night when asleep she calls for him, tells him she loves him, that she loves when they have sex on certain ways. We speak about this and I do tell what she has said in her sleep, she will say she doesn't mean it and that she is either being hurt in her sleep or having bad dreams that her son is going be kidnapped.

You cannot hold what anyone says in their sleep against them. Its not like they purposely dream things.

I also have dreams/nightmares about them and have spoke about them in my sleep.

Is it trauma?

Yes!

Is it her true feelings coming out and actually I'm a second best?

No!

What do i actually do about this?

Nothing!

I'm avoidant in nature but truly love her and don't want to not be with her but how long can I cope with this for.

Really?

Sorry, I am just not understanding why this is an issue. Waking you up I can understand and in that case noise canceling headphones? Ear buds on a phone? Ear plugs? Sleep in other room?

Otherwise, I would advise to learn more about trauma and PTSD and what happens post trauma. Does she have a therapist? Maybe her therapist can explain better? My therapist have spoken to family without me there. He says nothing about me and treats it like its a new patient. They tell him and he explains per what they tell him without speaking about me directly. Or a marriage/couples counceling?

 

[chris1983]

Thank you for the replies firstly.

I'm in the proceess of seeking support for myself to be honest.

It's the stuff around does she mean what she says in her sleep and actually I'm just a safer alternative

How was she thinking of her ex when she screamed his name?

What kind of therapy do I go to for that?

 

[chris1983]

The issue is around the fact that she is saying her ex name and then I love u
Love it when you f@@k me like that.
Love you to the moon a back

And that what's waking me up. I'm then uncertain if she means it or it's somat else?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@chris1983, these are things you will need to ask her and take her word for it. We cannot tell you what she was thinking or dreaming. But you are going to need to relax. If I had someone this freaked out over talking in my sleep, I wouldn't want to stay with them long.

I would try marriage/couples counseling. But even before then, try learning and understanding. Sorry to be blunt but you need a bit more thicker skin. A person cannot possibly be responsible for what they say in their sleep.

ETA: And it does not mean she loves you less. It means she is dreaming.

 

[chris1983]

Ok but they can be when we have sex and she calls his name??

 

[lostforgottensoul]

can be when we have sex and she calls his name??

I think of my abusers during sex ALL OF THE TIME! Especially my step dad. I also oddly (though he said it was normal) think of my therapist. He said its cause I feel safe with my therapist.

Yep. I would ask her to keep her thoughts to herself during sex. But yep, it is normal for a trauma victim to think of abusers during sex. I personally don't scream names. But in my head is my abusers.

I have flashbacks during sex too and have to pretend I am not having a flashback.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

How was she thinking of her ex when she screamed his name?

I think about the rape and the child sexual abuse when I have sex with my partner. It's something I have a huge amount of guilt and shame about. It's intrusive thoughts <~ google that it might help explain. I'm so glad I manage to hide it I think I'd die of shame if I thought my partner knew. I try to stay in the moment and I really struggle with asking him to stop if I need to because I'm terrified he might not (of course he would but in the moment with all the trauma thoughts it's hard to see right)

 

[Deadman]

@chris1983 No one here can say whether your suspicions are founded. Only your GF knows for sure.

 

[chris1983]

Ok so what can I do to help her?