Relationship Advice please

[lostforgottensoul]

@chris1983, you can't help her. She must help herself. You can be there for her if she needs a shoulder, you can that person she can talk to, you can be a cheerleader coaching her along but yoi cannot help her heal! We must heal ourselves. No one can do that for us nor can they help is along.

 

[chris1983]

Seriously?
We completed a time line of abuse facts that she needed for court and then I feel really guilty for doubting her, but then at the same time I don't want listen to when she says his name.
Are there any tips or strategies that anyone has ever used in the same/similar situation- I like the headphones idea
M

 

[Deadman]

OK. People here have told you the truth. You seem reluctant to accept the responses you've been given. Why is that?

I notice in your OP you identified the real issue:

I'm avoidant in nature but truly love her and don't want to not be with her but how long can I cope with this for.

So you have an avoidant nature and you want tips to help avoid the discomfort you feel? Maybe you should consider another option. Like demonstrating the true love you say you feel by concentrating on supporting your GF.

There is no way of avoiding discomfort if you are in a relationship with someone who has PTSD.

 

[chris1983]

I get that response Deadman and I do agree to in part to that.
I was only asking for how do we manage this together rather than individually.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but then at the same time I don't want listen to when she says his name

During sleep or sex or both? During sex I would have a conversation with her. That you understand she isn't doing it on purpose but at the same time it effects you. So, you aren't placing blame. Ask her if its possible for her to not say his name or if she would advise something like noise canceling headphones or ear buds. The good thing about the headphones and ear buds is you can listen to some hot stuff. The bad thing is you can't hear anything she says and it would feel odd, to me, wearing headphones or ear buds during sex and not being able to communicate with her at all. So that's why I would involve her in the conversation about it. Again, though, do that in an understanding and not blaming way.

During sleep, if it's waking you up, wear the headphones or ear buds for sure! If it isn't waking you up then just ignore it. What I'd do.

Hope that helps some!

 

[chris1983]

Thanks!!!!
The ear buds for the sleep aspect will be good and I'm going try them tonight.

As for the other well let's see what happens - will plan a conversation over the next few days and see what is said.

As I said I'm expected almost to get on with it but I'll have the conversation and see what we can do.

Thank u for the advice.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. Welcome to the community!

How long has she been away from her ex?
It sounds like she should have done a little more healing before she got into another relationship.
Sorry you're both struggling.

 

[chris1983]

11 months the abuse has stemmed from when she was first with him. So nearly 13 years ago.
It covers all aspects of control and abuse..
I also at times massively think that and then over think everything - hence the forum post.
I have and do have first hand experience of PTSD before this.. but does feel different
From a purely selfish view point I can would cope with just being asked her ex name during everyday conversations and would still be upset about the nighttime/sleep comments but then with the sex one that really triggered me and my past issues as well.. I have come from an abusive relationship as well and I know there is no one size fits way to handle this but....
I have had these conversations with her and she stated that she hates the thing she she says in her sleep - I do get that part of not being able to control what u say innur sleep but do then think true feeling come out on sleep?

The sex one was the big one because a few weeks before she used the pillow to cover her face and I'm certain she said his name - I didn't challenge this though and then when the event happened she let go of my hands, shut her eyes and then literally screamed his name while she reached climax.

She then didn't say anything and just wanted to hug me - I obviously didn't want to at and asked her to leave
The next day she then said it was trauma but couldn't or wouldn't say anymore... i do believe her to a degree but then how her body changed was not the trauma that I have previously seen and dealt with and feels like it was a maybe an excuse?? That sounds horrific!
We spoke and spoke about it for days and days and again feels like I'm expected to just deal with it and not have any issues with it.


I don't want to become part of an abusive relationship again

Hence the panic/ written style of my posts on the forum!!!

 

[Deadman]

I was only asking for how do we manage this together rather than individually.

It strikes me that you can't manage this together when you have separate concerns/needs/issues. You hint at it here -

We spoke and spoke about it for days and days and again feels like I'm expected to just deal with it and not have any issues with it.

How can you manage this together when you feel like you are expected to deal with it alone?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It sounds like she should have done a little more healing before she got into another relationship

Wow, really? I'm 18 yrs removed from my past and 8 yrs in therapy and I still think of my abusers every time I have sex and I dream of them a lot. Its not unusal and it not right, in my opinion, to say I should be more healed before entering in a relationship. That's not fair, at all!

then think true feeling come out on sleep?

No! And I would do your best to stop thinking that way as that is not the case at all! It is normal!

The next day she then said it was trauma but couldn't or wouldn't say anymore.

This here is the issue. She doesn't need to tell you about the trauma (and I WOULD NOT push that) but she does need to talk to you about screaming his name during sex. That is the one thing she can control (stop screaming names, not stop thinking about him) and its the one thing that upsets you the most. Which is understandable.

How can you manage this together when you feel like you are expected to deal with it alone?

This ^^^

You two need to work things out as a couple. If she cannot manage to stop screaming names during sex (again, you are just asking her to stop screaming his name, you are not asking her to stop thinking about him as that's normal) then that's a problem. I have never screamed names so I have been able to be the most seductive thing on the planet and be thinking of my abusers the entire time at the same time, without them knowing about it.

I can see the sex screaming names thing as an issue but the sleep thing needs to be forgotten. She is not saying real feeling. Not anymore then a freaked out panic person after a nightmare really wants that nightmare to happen. Real feeling in dreams is bullshit!

 

[chris1983]

That's the plan.
This weekend to have a talk about it again.
I hate hearing the sleep talk but I do know she don't mean what she says
It was the saying of the name during oral sex that bothers me more than anything. I do think that part can Be controlled.
See if makes me think that she was thinking of him in a sexual way - wishing it was him, wanting it to be him when she did it rather than me.. brought my old issues around this and I can't be wrong in how I feel and I know it's ok to feel this way.
Thanks for the advice

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It was the saying of the name during oral sex that bothers me more than anything. I do think that part can Be controlled.

I agree. And it's something that I think would freak any guy out.

See if makes me think that she was thinking of him in a sexual way - wishing it was him, wanting it to be him when she did it rather than me

I don't think that's the reason. I think she is being vocal about what trauma victims think about. It seems like we want to be with them instead of you but its intrisive thoughts. Accidentle and unwanted thoughts. But that doesn't mean she should be verbal about it. So, that's why I would focus on stop speaking it, not on stop thinking it.