Relationship Advice please

[chris1983]

Read loads about Intrusive thoughts over ththe last 24 hours..
some good reading on there about this and trauma and sex.
Suppose the truth of the matter is I'll never truthfully no, gotta believe what she says And go with it

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Chris,
I want to offer you some encouragement. Being with a partner with PTSD means that you have a lot of patience and love. We are not easy to deal with! So I have to give you some real props for choosing your relationship with her. And I'm sorry that it can be such a struggle.
It sounds like you are having a really hard time trusting her right now. And her actions are speaking louder than her words (well, it's all words and actions jumbled up). I'd like to make a suggestion of maybe taking a break from things like oral sex for a time while you guys sort these things out. Obviously you can't take a break from sleeping, but everyone here has given you some great options to think about for during that time.
The only other thing I will say is that old habits die hard. I still mess up and refer to husband as my ex. And it is not because I'm thinking about him at all. This is not during sex. This is during the day in normal conversation. It's become less and less of an occurrence as time passes. But even so. Perhaps that will offer a bit of comfort for during the normal, waking, non-sexual hours.
Obviously an honest talk is a great thing. Do your best to keep level-headed. Find time when your emotions are calm and use a calm, quiet environment to talk. And do your best to keep your conversation without blame.
Trust and insecurities are two very hard things to work through in any relationship, PTSD or otherwise. And they both take time. So keep being your patient, loving self for your lady and don't give up!

 

[LuckiLee]

Wow, really? I'm 18 yrs removed from my past and 8 yrs in therapy and I still think of my ab...

Didn't mean to offend...

But yes, really. She was in an abusive relationship for 13 years. Away from him for 11 months and with Chris for 10 of those months. Do you really think that's enough time to even begin to heal. I don't!

Good luck Chris! Praying for the both of you!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She was in an abusive relationship for 13 years. Away from him for 11 months and with Chris for 10 of those months. Do you really think that's enough time to even begin to heal. I don't!

I do. It depends on how hard she has worked on healing and how hard they have worked together. Absolutely it is enough time to be in a relationship.

I try not to assume and that is assuming she isn't healed enough and you cannot know that. It is possible but we cannot know either way.

 

[chris1983]

Lady moonlight and all others it's great that u have taken time to read my forum let alone reply.
It's great that u have shared experience and knowledge that I know must be painful for u all.

Thanks again for all of this.. given me a massive boost from strength and a real insight xxx

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I like the headphones idea
M

My husband, a survivor of covert sexual abuse, would say things in his sleep. I used the squishy type of ear plugs, the ones you roll in your fingers and insert in your ears. Make certain you get the right size for your ear canal or you may have to visit an EENT to have them removed. ;) I tried the headphones but they fell off during sleep. The ear plugs stayed in the longest. Sometimes when he was too vocal during sleep, I simply slept in another room.

There isn't anything you can do for her only things you can do for yourself.

I'm a survivor of extreme sexual, physical, and mental abuse myself. My husband has told me I've said some crazy things during sleep. My subconscious mind vomits out, my best term for it, whatever I'm working on through my nightmares and dreams.

We've both learned to laugh about what comes forth now. We've been married for 32 years (September). What's really fun is when we hear the other laughing in their sleep. That happens quite often now.

 

[chris1983]

So far so good!
We had a chat, I explained the way it makes me feel.
She explained how it makes her feel as well.
She has discussed this with her T.
We not using headphones and I simply get on the sofa if I need to but we have both agreed we always start the morning with a hug and a kiss regardless

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@chris1983 Yay! I am so happy it went the way it did! I think you two communicating like this is always the best way to go. And thank you for posting and wanting to understand!

 

[chris1983]

Just add we have had an amazing family weekend swimming & police celebration day!
These are the points we all need focus on when the going gets tough again
It's bloody hard! Heart breaking at times but good support, this forum all helps
Onwards and upwards!!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Chris, I'm really happy for you. All the positive days are victories and it sounds like you've already had a few! And when the bad days come up again, take heart. You can do this!