Afraid To Be A Woman

[Abstract]

people will see that I'm trying

I recognise that @ill. I am never sure but have thought some of it is the internalised derision from my parents throughout my life. Like the idea that I would think I have a right to look nice would be a joke or would make me a target of derision.

I also recognise the rock and hard place of being very badly affected by positive" reactions and fearing negative reactions.

One thing I have realised though is that the extreme hiding and making myself unattractive that I did before never made me feel safe or better longer term. It felt a bit obsessive in that the more I did it the more I needed to do. Eating disorders were part of it too. I have realised that the only way to feel better is to fight it and try not to give in.

 

[Badger]

I went through this as a kid. My mother basically raised me as a boy. Heck, I thought I was a boy half the time! If I was at a playground full of kids I didn't know and they assumed I was a boy I would not correct them. So my gender identification was a little different. As a young teenager I was a sexual abuse victim as well so that sort of clinched it for me. Decided I hated being female. Lots of baggy clothes in an attempt to disguise my 36C's Black mostly. No skirts for a long time. Was like this until I turned 25 and became a Wiccan. Joining a woman/Goddess centered religion was a turning point in my perception of the power of being female. It took a few years, and I still look a bit like a skater and wear black some but now I am proud of my curves.

I hope that each and everyone of you can see the Goddess within you as well. Women are the creative power behind the universe. They give life. No man can do that. Hating our body can make us sick so try and be friends with it if you can. When you see the woman in the mirror, pretend you are someone you don't know who wants to be your friend. Think about what this person would see...That way it's not you trying to like yourself (that can feel awkward and weird) and you can have an idea about what it is in you that is likeable. Good luck!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

extreme hiding and making myself unattractive that I did before never made me feel safe or better longer term. It felt a bit obsessive in that the more I did it the more I needed to do.

I used to do this in middle school. I would dress as a goth and I did that for maybe 2 years. Everything was a big deal for me then...I felt I had to wear my hair in a ponytail all the time otherwise it was just to shocking. I once had my hair cut to my shoulders and styled and kids (the mean ones who didn't like me) would stop in the hallway and point at me. The cutting part wasn't really my idea...they cut it all off becasue I never combed it and it was in knots.

(Actually...I wonder were the idea of being a goth came from? :O_o: TV maybe? Something to think about...)

So I hid and hid and hid. During this period and parts of my childhood I wouldn't groom myself; wash my hair for example. Other kids noticed I had only two pairs of pants. I think I had jeans but I was goth then and wearing jeans was to much (people would stare or point it out...anything to hid).

Now I don't dress anything like a goth. I'm more preppy and fashion forward (in a calm way). But looking back I wish my school years had been more normal. It's only in the last few years I feel like I have free will. Another thing to think about! What a powerful word; Free will.

My therapist calls me a late bloomer. And he is right, I am learning things I have seen 14 year olds pull off with no issue.

I still can't do dresses and skirts easily.

Me neither. I really want too but so far...

 

[Mayday]

I am another that missed out on the basics of being a girl. I wear makeup, but only to cover my skin picking and spots. It's hard, I feel torn between feeling like it would be nice to take care of myself, to feeling like I don't deserve to be pretty, to feeling like it's not safe to be attractive, to feeling like I'm just hiding the fact that I'm not "naturally pretty" (something my mother used to say to me) to not even caring about it at all.

I think what people have mentioned about having a checklist of things to do daily would be a good start. I do find that when I am feeling worse, I neglect daily maintenance like having a shower or washing my hair etc...I tend to live in jeans most of the time. Have never been comfortable in skirts, unless leggings underneath, but that is also a comfort factor as I get chaffed thighs otherwise. About a year ago, I shaved all my hair off for no particular reason other than I was feeling self destructive at the time...since then it's grown back to shoulder length and I've done absolutely nothing too it, I should really go get it tidied up, but I hate going to the hairdresser.

I use my weight as a way to deflect male attention. I would love to get healthy again, but it's so triggering when I do lose the weight and start getting attention. It's something I'd like to work on. But I know I could do more to flatter the body I have now, I do dress kind of blah and frumpy...but again, I worry that doing so would make people think that I'm interested or available and I still feel like I'm not. It's a tough one.

 

[rainy_daze]

Everyone seems to be mentioning make-up. Do you think that not wearing make-up makes someone look less like a woman? I'm curious because I don't wear make-up. I can recall wearing make-up once last year, and only because I felt pressured into having to conform. I have received comments from people about the fact that I don't wear make-up; some positive and some negative. Some question why I don't, even my male friends, some think it's a good thing and others think it's weird. I know you said at the start @Ayesha that you don't want this to become a debate on what is female, so sorry if my question comes under that category.

I've spoken a bit before about how I think the way I look (the way I dress mostly and my hair) is pretty much the exact same as I looked a decade ago, and it sort of feels like being stuck in time. I look more like a teenage girl than a woman, and trust me, I get treated by strangers as if I'm "just a teenager" (stupid ageist society) and it's infuriating. I wouldn't say I was afraid to be a woman, more that I detest people judging me on the basis of how I look. Yet at the same time, I wish I looked better. Not for others, but so I could look in the mirror and not think I look awful before I struggle to walk out the door (a lot of the time, I stay inside). I look like a neglected/depressed teenager, and not a confident woman. I also get far too many comments about my weight, which I know comes from a place of being concerned that I'm "skinny", but it's annoying and hard for my self-esteem. For example, a nurse weighed me a while ago, and then was shocked that my Body Mass Index - BMI - was perfect. I told her I wasn't underweight.

I am afraid to be in my own skin most of the time.

I relate very much to that part ^.

Very interesting thread @Ayesha , thank you for starting it and sharing. I hope you manage to work through what is holding you back from feeling confident about looking nice.

I remember a while ago you spoke about a female role model (was it the royal woman, Kate Middleton? I think that's her name - the pretty one with lots of brunette hair) and I have people who inspire me like that also. I sometimes think it would be impossible to look as good as these women though, the ones in the public eye, without a team of stylists. And a ton of make-up I'm not prepared to put on. I don't know, I'm pondering it all. I'd love to look like someone else, but I'm stuck with me. I suppose it's important not to always compare ourselves to others. I would probably never leave the house at all if I did.

I think what @Echo said stuck out for me the most

I think it is hard enough being a woman in our appearance-obsessed society without having to deal with what we have had to deal with, but maybe we can reclaim ourselves gradually step-by-step

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Ayesha, I am sorry that you are dealing with this issue but thank you for posting about it. I feel very similarly but can't make myself talk about it yet.

 

[Abstract]

kids (the mean ones who didn't like me) would stop in the hallway and point at me.

I think experiences like this really affect us Ayesha. I am sorry it was like that. What you say explains a lot and then one adds the abuse to that it fills out the picture.

it's so triggering when I do lose the weight and start getting attention

A big part of eating disorder was about this in a way although I was usually underweight. I would often both be drawn to being smaller and less curvy and bigger and more invisible at the same time. Being a middle weight is triggering and I had to process a lot of stuff to be able to be normal weight. What I realised that is that it is an incorrect connection between body size and safety. Abuse isn't about our bodies and is about the perpetrator. So challenging my reactions is part of trying to reclaim reality for me. It is hard though.

Rainy Daze, I don't think not wearing make-up is a problem at all in itself and it can be wonderful if done from a self loving place. I think what I and others are discussing here is the avoidance of doing things like this as a way of being neglectful and apologetic about ourselves and the space we take up in the world.

I look like a neglected/depressed teenager, and not a confident woman.

This is it exactly. I am not saying you need to feel this way but for me I realised I was communicating to the world that I did not care for myself and that I looked like I had issues. I am not saying you do but I did. It is about looking like I have confidence and feel powerful in myself for me. I never look like I have make-up on but do look basically groomed.

I think some people can use make-up in the opposite way. As a way of hiding and not being themselves. Especially when it is OTT.

I started doing all this when I became obsessed with protecting myself and no longer being a target for people. I didn't want to advertise my issues visually as soon as people met me. I was also trying hard to accept myself despite terrible feelings about my body and self and an eating disorder. I rejected and didn't want a physical self but really I have no choice. Unfortunately I have to have one and I have to find a way of dealing with that.

 

[rainy_daze]

I have issues about thinking I look nice. It's something to work on. Thanks for the reply @Abstract , it made perfect sense to me. I look how I feel, which is awful. But then that's part of why some people like me, because I'm just being myself, even if being myself is currently looking like ... someone with insomnia, depression, back pain and PTSD, with a side serving of some unidentified dissociative disorder. :cry: / :eek:.

I guess I maybe sidetracked the thread a bit (it's one of those threads that sparks so many thoughts in my brain)...

It's more about how do you get to the place where you make an effort to look the way you want to, or how do you keep that effort in place when you've managed it, or once you feel you are looking after yourself (physical appearance wise) how do you get the confidence, or whatever the word is, to feel okay about it? To feel okay about looking nice? Like:

So many negative thoughts come into my head and I will doubt myself and put myself down

And it's about how do you stop neglecting your physical self and/or how do you manage to not internally verbally beat yourself down when you are simply making an effort to look nice - something which many people in the world do every day? It's about being fine with looking like a woman who has made an effort? (I feel a bit silly now, I feel far away from being at a place where I make an effort and I have no money to spend on clothes and beauty products, but hopefully I'm understanding the topic better)

 

[Abstract]

Rainy daze, if it feels authentic to you then I think that is fine and if it has garnered attention for you that is healthy and healthy relationships with others then that is wonderful.

That is definitely part of the topic discussed here and there is no need at all to feel silly. Actually I don't think it's about spending money either. We each have our own journeys and we prioritise things according to our personal circumstances.

 

[Julesnaz]

I dont have much feedback or advice but, I feel the same way. I hate the way I look and wish i could be put together like my friends, but I also feel completely insecure when I do dress nice. When I wear makeup and dress "normally" I feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm too dressed up, when I'm really not. I feel most comfortable in jeans, a tshirt, and a zip up hoodie. If I don't have a hoodie I feel naked and insecure. It's kind of my security blanket for being in public. I feel like when I dress down I'm not noticeable and I won't be laughed at.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Oh my gawd, you people just told my story too. I felt like all of ya'll. I like to look nice, and I finally, for the first time, like the way I look, and I don't wear makeup or hair products. I have security blankets just like all of us have, to keep some distance. I still feel like a teenager, integrated fairly healthy teenager, but still a teen.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think what I and others are discussing here is the avoidance of doing things like this as a way of being neglectful and apologetic about ourselves and the space we take up in the world.

Yes, for me at least.

If I don't have a hoodie I feel naked and insecure. It's kind of my security blanket for being in public.

I did this in middle school too. It got much much worse in high school. Not something I want to talk about...:(

I guess I maybe sidetracked the thread a bit (it's one of those threads that sparks so many thoughts in my brain)...

Oh no, @rainy_daze this thread has so many levels and so many things to say/add too it. I don't think you sidetracked it at all! :)

It's about being fine with looking like a woman who has made an effort?

Yes...I think that is part of it. That really hits a cord with me, but I will need some time to think about it and write a new post about it.

can't make myself talk about it yet.

I hope you can some day. :tup:

Thank you all so much for your support and words! I have been struggling and thinking about this for almost a year now, when it was like I finally gave myself permission to care for myself.