Afraid To Discuss Trauma

[deleted]

I recently found new therapist and he's been incredible so far but today he brought up the topic of discussing my trauma. I have never vocalized my trauma to anyone- everyone who knows has guessed it out of me. I was raped 4 years ago and was in a school shooting 2 years ago. I have begun to deal with the shooting but I feel like I can't physically even begin to discuss even little bits of the sexual trauma it. I lived in denial for the past 4 yeas trying to convince myself that it was all just a bad dream until something came along that made it very real all over again but the denial still plays a large part in my therapy-if I vocalize it I feel like that will really make it real and I won't be able to handle it.

My therapist asked me today when he thought I would be comfortable talking about it because he strongly believes in not avoiding things and wants to start in on it as soon as I'm ready. I had no idea what to say! I honestly don't feel like I'll ever be ready and the fact that I can't talk about it makes me feel like I'm failing or disappointing him. And theres also the issue of trust as I don't really know him yet and my last therapist groomed me to be extremely dependent on him, breaking many of the normal therapeutic boundaries and putting me in a very uncomfortable position. It makes me skeptical of him than I would have been before. I don't want to hurt him by telling him that I don't trust him and I also don't want him to think I'm pushing boundaries since his are pretty strict.

His homework for me was to think about the answer to the question of when I'll be ready to start talking about the trauma and I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do.

 

[Rumors]

Print out your thread and take it to him. He will understand and will have the appropriate response. Trust is a hard, hard thing. Keep talking here...we are listening.

 

[barefoot]

I agree with @Rumors - tell him what you've told us or, if that feels too hard, send him the writing. I think it will be really helpful for him - and, therefore to you/your relationship together) to learn that this is how you feel, these are your current concerns etc.

I'm sure that, if he is experienced with working with trauma, he will not be surprised to learn that this is very difficult for you, that you might not be ready to go there with him yet and that it's going to take some time to build the trust so this stuff can't be rushed.

I think the "when will you be ready to talk about it?" question is a very strange question and impossible to answer. I think you're either ready to start talking about it now, or you're not. And, if you're not, I'm not sure how you ("you" meaning anybody, not you specifically) would be able to put a timeframe on that. "I'm not ready to talk about it now, but I think I'll be ready on 14th April..." ;-) Obviously, I'm being flippant. But I don't know how you can know anything beyond whether or not you are ready in this moment. Perhaps he is just trying to get an idea of where you are with it now - in which case, telling him what you've told us will clarify that for him.

I don't want to hurt him by telling him that I don't trust him and I also don't want him to think I'm pushing boundaries since his are pretty strict.

This isn't for you to be worried about - looking after him, his feelings and his boundaries isn't your responsibility. It's his job to take care of these things for himself. And a decent therapist wouldn't take things personally - you needing to build trust with a therapist before you share difficult stuff with him isn't really about him. You aren't saying you don't trust him because he has proved himself to be untrustworthy. You're saying you need to take some time to work on that relationship stuff with him so that that he/the relationship can then support you with doing the work you need to do. That's very normal for anyone seeing a therapist, I reckon, but particularly with people doing trauma work. If he really doesn't understand that or if he actually feels personally slighted by you saying that you need to build a relationship with him before launching into talking about your trauma for the first time - I'd take that as a giant red flag!

Good luck...these things....building a relationship with your therapist, creating some trust, feeling that you can be open and share stuff, saying things out loud for the first time, moving out of denial...these are all massive things and can't be rushed. Little steps...

 

[Suzetig]

I'm with the others, either tell him what you've written here or show him your post. Part of PTSD is avoidance so while I can see why he wants to help you talk about it, not wanting to or avoiding it is part of the condition. Think about what you do need just now to help build the relationship? Does he know about the issues with your previous therapist, that might be helpful to talk through.

You're not there to please him or work at his pace, so do what you need to do for yourself.

 

[Biz]

@Katiee_co , that's a really tough assignment. It makes sense that you're still feeling things out with your therapist, especially having had a past unhealthy experience with one.

Also, I don't know how realistic it is to have someone anticipate when they'll be ready to talk about their trauma. I've worked with my current practitioner for almost 2 years and I feel safer with her than I've felt with anyone, every week I think, 'I'm going to finally say something' and most weeks, my mouth/body doesn't agree that it's time. I literally can't get things out. I could write them, but if my body can't say it, that seems like a stretch. In that way, I think healing is an intuitive thing your body/heart will decide on, no matter what timeline you set.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe this is the wrong answer to give- JMHO- but it sounds like you really want to get better & therefore you know that it requires pushing out of a comfort zone.

However, (& this is just me), I think it's ok when your mind thinks 'never'. One day your mind (or heart) may choose it possible otherwise (but which might not seem possible now). Or maybe for a different reason than helping yourself. (Not that there's anything wrong with that of course, one has to help themself, I just find some reasons give me more courage or motivate me more, or just are necessary, if one is being honest.)

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Just another thought. There is also nothing wrong with just letting him know that you wrote it out (no need to show him). Personally, I think that is a VERY large step. Maybe talk to him about not wanting to hurt his feelings, but not being quite ready yet?

It is a lot of work being verbal about traumas. I am certain he will be happy that you wrote it out. Writing is so healing.... and usually a precursor to verbalizing.