D
Deleted member 44529
Hello.
You may or may not be aware of recent events in the repertory movie theatre world. Do a search on "How a Sexual-Assault Accusation Against a ‘Feminist’ Film Blogger Shook Up the Indie Film World" (specific to Alamo Drafthouse and Fantastic Fest), as well as on the other recent scandal about CineFamily. The founders of the Alamo Drafthouse have long championed community, a safe place to watch films, and important but challenging file. Short story is that last year a blogger and good friend of the Alamo Drafthouse theater chain co-founder resigned after a woman he assaulted years prior accused him of his hypocrisy. The co-founder of the theater chain secretly hired him back, then tried to justify the choice to hire him back.
You can read the public version of the story for yourself. But it's a bigger story that will (hopefully) continue to burn when other women come forward. I am not well-acquainted with the two initial women who disclosed. I am variously acquainted/friends of other people who are involved (some at the heart, some at the fringe). The messages from the co-founder have been all about his friend and his brand, but nothing admitting complicity or even publicly acknowledging the victims and doing right by them. He keeps dodging it.
I was initially very vocal in my disappointment at the choice and the subterfuge, but then what I can only call PTSD kicked in. I discovered that at least one other woman disclosed after last year's scandal. And she was dismissed. I saw friends and acquaintances polarize in unexpected ways. I left that community some years ago, in part because of how much of a boys club it was. I saw a well-respected man who ran in the same circles resign, and publicly call bullshit on the initial excuse for the re-hire, and the subsequent apology.
And PTSD kicked in big time. I was assaulted/molested at 13, nearly 4 decades ago. I disclosed to my mother, who ignored it. The man who assaulted also claimed he didn't remember it. I later realized I had been groomed for what was thankfully one assault, but the ramifications were many. It was like a diamond cutter knowing exactly where to strike to shatter a diamond.
It was like all the scars were ripped off. The scarring was extensive. The physical sensations of being assaulted and having no safe place to retreat came back. I found myself breaking down in wracking sobs without warning. I'm isolating myself, staying quiet at work (lest I lash out), and having to force myself to eat. I've been nauseous for days.
And this isn't because of the man who resigned, but the one who let him back. And in part the man who called bullshit. Someone was listening. Something I'd longed for.
For I learned how to move around it, it's been there. It's impacted my health. It kept me from forming relationships; even friendships are tenuous at best. It's all but impossible for me to trust, and even what seems like small asks to others are enormously challenging for me. The one time I sought therapy was like a dark joke out of a horror film; the therapist sat all the way on the other side of the room, obscured in shadow, mostly silent. It was violating. I've tentatively tried a couple other times, but it didn't go anywhere.
It doesn't help that I recently learned that some of the crap that made me vulnerable to my abuser was well known in my larger family -- but no one did anything useful. All that set the stage before, and after.
This is obviously just a tip of the metaphorical iceberg, but it's the highlights I'm sure many here are familiar with.
I don't know how to move forward. Ironically, in recent months I've seen articles and reports about using MDMA, EDMR, and CMD. I know I don't want to get stuck in talk therapy. I remember what happened, and I've been exploring it for nearly four decades. I know some talking will be required but I am aware of how I'm damaged and what caused it. What I want is to find ways to be able to trust in myself, to give people a chance to form relationships without me flinching. To not withdraw all the time.
I tried looking at my employer's Employee Assistance Program site; what a joke. That's traumatizing in and of itself. So I'm not sure what I'll do. But I'll do something.
You may or may not be aware of recent events in the repertory movie theatre world. Do a search on "How a Sexual-Assault Accusation Against a ‘Feminist’ Film Blogger Shook Up the Indie Film World" (specific to Alamo Drafthouse and Fantastic Fest), as well as on the other recent scandal about CineFamily. The founders of the Alamo Drafthouse have long championed community, a safe place to watch films, and important but challenging file. Short story is that last year a blogger and good friend of the Alamo Drafthouse theater chain co-founder resigned after a woman he assaulted years prior accused him of his hypocrisy. The co-founder of the theater chain secretly hired him back, then tried to justify the choice to hire him back.
You can read the public version of the story for yourself. But it's a bigger story that will (hopefully) continue to burn when other women come forward. I am not well-acquainted with the two initial women who disclosed. I am variously acquainted/friends of other people who are involved (some at the heart, some at the fringe). The messages from the co-founder have been all about his friend and his brand, but nothing admitting complicity or even publicly acknowledging the victims and doing right by them. He keeps dodging it.
I was initially very vocal in my disappointment at the choice and the subterfuge, but then what I can only call PTSD kicked in. I discovered that at least one other woman disclosed after last year's scandal. And she was dismissed. I saw friends and acquaintances polarize in unexpected ways. I left that community some years ago, in part because of how much of a boys club it was. I saw a well-respected man who ran in the same circles resign, and publicly call bullshit on the initial excuse for the re-hire, and the subsequent apology.
And PTSD kicked in big time. I was assaulted/molested at 13, nearly 4 decades ago. I disclosed to my mother, who ignored it. The man who assaulted also claimed he didn't remember it. I later realized I had been groomed for what was thankfully one assault, but the ramifications were many. It was like a diamond cutter knowing exactly where to strike to shatter a diamond.
It was like all the scars were ripped off. The scarring was extensive. The physical sensations of being assaulted and having no safe place to retreat came back. I found myself breaking down in wracking sobs without warning. I'm isolating myself, staying quiet at work (lest I lash out), and having to force myself to eat. I've been nauseous for days.
And this isn't because of the man who resigned, but the one who let him back. And in part the man who called bullshit. Someone was listening. Something I'd longed for.
For I learned how to move around it, it's been there. It's impacted my health. It kept me from forming relationships; even friendships are tenuous at best. It's all but impossible for me to trust, and even what seems like small asks to others are enormously challenging for me. The one time I sought therapy was like a dark joke out of a horror film; the therapist sat all the way on the other side of the room, obscured in shadow, mostly silent. It was violating. I've tentatively tried a couple other times, but it didn't go anywhere.
It doesn't help that I recently learned that some of the crap that made me vulnerable to my abuser was well known in my larger family -- but no one did anything useful. All that set the stage before, and after.
This is obviously just a tip of the metaphorical iceberg, but it's the highlights I'm sure many here are familiar with.
I don't know how to move forward. Ironically, in recent months I've seen articles and reports about using MDMA, EDMR, and CMD. I know I don't want to get stuck in talk therapy. I remember what happened, and I've been exploring it for nearly four decades. I know some talking will be required but I am aware of how I'm damaged and what caused it. What I want is to find ways to be able to trust in myself, to give people a chance to form relationships without me flinching. To not withdraw all the time.
I tried looking at my employer's Employee Assistance Program site; what a joke. That's traumatizing in and of itself. So I'm not sure what I'll do. But I'll do something.
