After The Downward Spiral, Attempting To Identify The "origin"

[Kramer]

I had a less than perfect childhood. My Dad was a Native American,alcoholic construction worker, we had a family dog by the name of "Kilo" it was common to wake up to find our yard studded with tents and people passed out on lawn chairs. My parents were run of the mill partiers no big d, right? Or was it? I honestly don't know. Maybe everything started there, maybe not. My father went into treatment when I was 11. He was gone maybe 6 weeks and has been sober ever since, AA became a big part of our home life.

All that aside...were you to ask me to identify my "trauma" the best I could do would be to guess that it stems from being raped at 14 by one of my "best friends" while my other "best friend" held a gun to my head. Not that I could move anyway, due to the Bacardi and Mountain Dew my "friends" had provided me. This seems the obvious choice, right? Right?! maybe....When I returned to school (the rape occurred in the summer between middle and high school) the boy who had raped me had gotten a girlfriend and told her it wasn't true. Word was out and it was the talk of the town. This girl he was dating was tough and scary and made my life a living hell for about a year.

Unless of course, my problems really started when I told my mother about the rape and she did nothing. It's been 16 years and it has been mentioned exactly one time (when they took me to an inpatient treatment center to deal w my behavior) The one and only time it was mentioned it was heavily implied that it was not true and used as an example of the length I was willing to go to for shock value,excuses and attention. For some reason, the facility chose not to admit me and my parents did nothing to follow up, so I ran away and ended up in a juvenile detention center.

Then...there was another man. Older by about five years. Not a huge age gap,but he had his own problems,was sexually experienced and extremely aggressive and controlling. Needless to say, our off and on ten some year relationship there was plenty of drama. The situation culminated in a drug fueled frenzy in which he assaulted me physically,eventually attempting to choke me w my own belt. He spent several months in jail and then, of course we got back together. Oh yeah, did I mention my parents let him move into the house about 8 months after the rape?

In the midst of all this, one really special person was in and out of my life as well. A darling man I am now lucky enough to call my husband. I say I'm lucky to call him my husband, but I was far from lucky to be his girlfriend. He was a drug dealer who cheated on me through our entire relationship (right up until we were married) a few times with my "friends". Ultimately, this man went to prison because he slept w my best friend as well as HER best friend and they got mad and turned him in,the one girl in particular set him up...he got caught with ten lbs of pot. Although things were clearly very dysfunctional between the two of us at that point, we have known eachother since preschool and have been the very best of friends since middle school. We started dating right after high school, his sudden incarceration was a HUGE blow.

In the year that this man was in prison I met a younger man (17 to my 21 not a detail I'm proud of) who promptly left the scene when I became pregnant with his baby.

Fast forward a few years and I am happily married to the former jerk who went to jail. He is Dad to my daughter and we have another child of our own. I am a stay at home mom in a beautiful home with everything a person could ever want. Including paralyzing nightmares,night sweats,exhaustion,depression,excruciating anxiety,anger,intrusive and catastrophic thoughts,Agoraphobia,panick attacks etc etc etc

So, I'm dying to know...why,exactly do I have PTSD?

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

While I can't pin point the exact cause for you, any and all of that is enough to cause PTSD. You've had a dysfunctional family, substance abusing household, been raped multiple times, had your life threatened, literally, at least twice, been in a long term abusive relationship. Your family re-victimized you with their attitudes and behaviours and were actually complicit in some of the abuse. So yeah, any and all of that could cause what you are describing.

You also had "secondary victimization" which is when you were re-victimized by your family and others who invalidated you, didn't believe you, minimized your experiences etc.

I can't write a lot more, mainly, because a lot of your experiences are very similar to mine, though of course the situations are going to be different.

But you have many good reasons to be traumatized, from what you have written here.

I'm just really glad that things turned out well for you with your husband and children. Although it's kind of paradoxical, you probably feel how you do now because you are safe enough to feel it.

 

[Kramer]

Thank you, Phoenix. Feed back is exactly what I'm looking for, and as you said, validation! I appreciate your candor more than I can say.

 

[cherryblossom]

There is much in your life, that could cause PTSD.

This might sound like a silly question, but have you actually been diagnosed with PTSD?

Do you have a therapist, who can help you to unravel all your traumatic experiences, in order to find some resolve to your feelings, and in turn, manage your symptoms?

 

[Kramer]

Yes, I have been formally diagnosed w PTSD by a psychiatrist. I do not have a therapist right now because our insurance is bad. Fortunately, my husband is a small business owner and is changing our carrier in February to one with much better mental health coverage. I am so lucky we have that option!