Aggression At Your Own Family

[Anglesachse]

just to explain the * . On a German forum I use, we have to use it in in place of vowels in words that can trigger or can be classed abusive, so it`s just a habit, hope it doesn`t annoy anyone.

I Got up this morning, after another sleepless night. I must say though that I have been doing good the last year.

I`m in the bathroom getting ready to go to work, when in comes my 11year old son. He gets washed, does his teeth, all the stuff he should be doing, and then................

"dad, I need new vests, like the ones we brought last week, I don`t like the old ones"
Nothing complicated, about what he`s said.
"throw the old ones out, you`ve got 3 new ones. And we`ll get some more new ones this week,"
Nothing complicated in the answer I gave him.

But some how I`v e confused him, and he says he can`t throw them out as he needs them untill he gets new ones.

Thats it...................I just f*ck*ng exploded.........I chassed him into his bed room and sp*nk*d his backside so hard, for not speaking to me with the correct tone in his voice, for back chatting and not showing more respect.

I don`t do coporal punishment, I never have.I don`t plan it, It just happens and I loose control.

I suppose I can be greatfull that I can count on one hand how often it`s happened. But it`s not right. And I know he hasn`t deserved it, For that alone I could k*ll myself.

 

[intothelight]

Angelesachse,

As a parent, I have lost my temper with my own children and lashed out in anger. The best thing you can do is tell your son you were wrong and apologize. Children are far more forgiving of us than we are of ourselves, and allow him the opportunity to talk if he wants to.

Recognizing the anger is the first step. I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or not, but it would probably be a good idea to discuss this with them. There were many times I put myself in "time out" before I even approached disciplining the children.

Find what works for you, and then give yourself permission to forgive yourself. We are all human and make mistakes. It what we do to prevent from making the same mistakes that counts.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I've done some stupid things like that. Things that when I can see again afterward, I don't know why I let myself get to angry.

Sorry, I don't have any advice, Debbie did a great job with her forgiveness advice, and to seek help if possible. I just wanted to show you are not alone.

 

[Girl3]

There were occassions where I verbally lashed out at my daughter - using words to wound - and realized it was my mother's voice I was using. Since I got into therapy I find that I recognize BEFORE I am about to attack what is triggering me, and am able to stop, regroup, and handle the situation maturely, without inflicting pain.

Apologize - explain that you were wrong, how you could/should have handled it, and that you love him. Don't add any 'buts' or 'becauses' that will make him feel responsible for your angry over-reaction.

My psychiatrist told me that children love their parents, they want to love and to be loved back, respected as people, and that they have so much forgiveness - we only need ask sincerely with an apology, and they will forgive.

I hope you can forgive yourself as well.

 

[friendlybadger]

Great advice! Kids do forgive much more readily than adults.
I think part of ptsd has to do with anger. I know I personally get really really angry at seemingly trivial things, and I should know better--I've been living with ptsd for maybe 7 years or so.
I read that the anger we experience could be part of depression. You might want to investigate if maybe you're depressed on some level and it's expressing itself through angry outbursts.
I know what you're going through though and can totally relate.

 

[Anglesachse]

Morning folks.

Last night after coming home from the shop, I sat down with him and told him I was realy sorry for hitting him. Didn`t give any excuses or reasons for doing it, just plain and simple "Sorry"

He sat there and looked at me, with a kind of blank expression on his face, until I realised he had no idea what I was apologising for. I had to explain to him I was apologising for tuesday morning!

Why is it the children can forget so easily?

I am still wound up this morning about the whole thing. It takes me ages to come down and forget. :mad: that makes me so mad..................

But you are all right! He just gave me a hug and a kiss and said "I know" and went and had breakfast ! I can`t help but love him :) but yet I still get so wound up and angry with him at times..............

Thank you all round

 

[Anglesachse]

@ friendly badger

investigate if maybe you're depressed

I was diagnosed about 2 year ago as having PTSD (a combination of childhood and Military service), severe Depression (culminating in trying to take my own life twice in the last 2 years) and Borderline (self harm in many variations)

The therapist I see on a weekly basis has, as she says. "I have got my hands full with you Mr *" as there are so many areas of each "illness" that overlay the others. hence the aggression from PTSD (or Irritableness) is fed from the aggression of the Depression, which in turn influences the way I act and respond with aggression within Borderline.

She realy does earn her money with me. ;) but it does honestly make live harder, when your trying to work on some area that you want to improve.

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

I'm actually surprised that anger doesn't have it's own category on the PTSD forums. It's the most common symptom and it causes the most trouble with family, friends... even anger with other PTSDforum members. ;)

For me, it's the sudden realization that "something" doesn't fit, so I become paranoid and start interrogating. The "anger" isn't even there: I go from irritation, annoyance and suspicion to "rage" without ever touching "anger" or being able to "sit with it" as my therapist says.

My experience is combat (photographer and not military). My own father ALSO experienced trauma via Viet Nam that he tried to "tone down" with about a quart of Scotch per evening and who knows how much during the day. He tackled an oak dresser and cracked it in half and... beat the shit out me, growing up... and then was "sorry" about it, after.

He was SO SAD about it! He did his apologies and explanations long into nights where I'd already fallen asleep, but I remember the sound of his voice trying to explain...

I didn't CARE. Of COURSE I "told him" that I forgave him when he asked for it... and I DID forgive him. It was the PRICE for just getting him to love me, again, I thought.

If you are a danger to your kids, I'm wondering if you'll agree to let them be cared for by someone else until you get the anger thing under control. Only you can self-evaluate. If not, then the "anger" seems to be priority #1 so that you don't hurt anybody that you care about.

I hope you know that the anger and how you reacted to your boy and his vests had NOTHING to do with all that. The anger is already there, I think, the way it is with me. Your reaction seems to be similar to my own when I suddenly have NO control of my environment.

There's another point I want to bring up: You wrote a caveat about "German." My understanding is that cultures reflect a tradition of family units. Authoritarian cultures tend to reflect Authoritarian families, usually paternalistic (i.e. "father oriented"). I'm wondering if the anger didn't come from a supposed "disobedience" that had NOTHING to do with him? The Rage seemed to be about not showing you more respect... except it doesn't seem to be about him.

I'm VERY sorry. I hope I don't presume too much, but I recognize the rage and I'm trying to figure my own self out.

Of your son, ... I can only say that I wished my father had told me that he was sick. It would have made EVERYTHING much easier to understand as a BOY.

 

[Lionheart]

I had a problem with anger, irritability and aggression towards family members and my Pdoc put me on low dose Abilify and now I don't get bent out of shape so easily. Nothing else worked for me, although I had tried anger management techniques, thought-stopping, controlled breathing etc. Nothing else has changed my personality as much either..I am a much more mellow person now that I have been medicated.

Anyway, I think it is cool that you apologized to your son, that is something my father did....40 years late.

 

[Girl3]

I would love for my mother to apologize - even though decades have passed. It would mean she finally admits she hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally. And then pigs will fly sometime soonly thereafter.

 

[Anglesachse]

I must admit, I have thought about placing him in a home :cry: but I can`t bring myself to it. Its like I would have realy failed as a father if I do that. And he is the only thing that realy keeps me going.

Like I said, it is seldom that it happens. and the rest of the time we have together we get on like a house on fire.
We do a lot of stuff alone, ie. mum stays at home so we get real father son time. And I`m as bad as most kids when I see a puddle :cool:

He does know that I have issues, he got to here all about it 2 or 3 years ago, when I was in a realy bad way, and landed in the clinic. I am thankfull however that he has no idea about the S**c*d* attempts. my wife and I have agreed that, it is not something he needs to know at the moment. Allthought I would like to tell him when he is older, and can understand the feeling of real helplesness and dispare, and what it can bring a grown person to do.

I also used to get medication, but my therapist weened my off it once I was out of the clinic. I was getting a mix of anti Dep. and pain killers that would lame an elephant as I have had back issues since late 80`s. and I must admit I am glad to be of the stuff. If i do take anything these days its purely natural. I`ve turned into a bit of a hedgewitch.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think you should give yourself a little more credit. Not saying anger at your family is good. But you are admitting it, apologizing for it ( believe me, if all the sh*t people had done to us, had been apologized for, the forum would be a different place), and seeking help! You are taking responsibility.

Don't be so hard on yourself, that might help you angry right off.

Easier said then done I know...