Alcoholics With DID Who Want To Recover Or Help

[seaworthy]

Is Anyone Out There Who Has/had C-ptsd and DID In Which Only A Part Of Them Drank?

I cannot seem to access that part of me that drinks. I can leave an
AA meeting, change into another consciousness or alter, drink and have no memory of it. After hiding what happens to me in shame, as I don't 'fit' entirely in AA--in 18 years no one has talked about switching to another part and drinking. I finally starting talking about what happens to me and I have been treated like a freak, but I don't care anymore. I also know that DENYING my C-PTSD and my DID, as pressured in AA, is not going to make me just a garden variety alcoholic either.

I need a different approach to the steps that addresses my c-ptsd and did AND my alcoholic constitution. I need a different approach to interacting with people in AA. I get to acting like I'm like everyone else...a normal integrated alcoholic and I accrue backfire from my other parts. I don't how to fight or cooperate or detect the part of me that drinks. I'm tired of detoxing for a week and then drinking dissociatively within 2 weeks. I don't know how to get communication or awareness of this aspect(s) of me.

I know my Trauma has no hope of healing without the alcohol kiling me first. I don't know how to stop the alcohol though. I am scared to give up the other medications too, but I'm starting to see they hand in hand with me 'relying on some substance' and not my HP.

seaworthy

 

[helena]

Hi Seaworthy,

I have been reading your posts and you are making me think that what you describe may be happening to my significant other.

I am not sure, which is why I haven't responded before... but, something you are saying is striking a chord with me.

I have thought for a long time that there is a person within him that actually 'chooses' to drink and 'lose it' completely. I have witnessed him drinking and not losing it, or even getting drunk and it made me question why, if he can control it, does he choose not to.

It is almost as if this 'alter ego' talkes control of him... it is more than just Jekyll and Hyde (though I have often referred to him in that way) there seems to be 3 people there.

Not sure what the answer is I'm afraid but I kind of relate to what you are saying...

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi Seaworthy

The fact that you are aware of it and want to deal with it is a HUGE step - congratulations! I know about alcoholism, but not much about DID.

I wish you luck and success on your path.
BC

 

[Pixie]

Seaworthy

A couple of questions... do you blank out completely, as in "wake up" with no knowledge of what you have done, or is it more like you can remember bits of it but as if it were a dream or as if you were looking at yourself from the outside?

One thought I have is that somehow, you need to find out what triggers that part of you to come out. Other "parts" or conscious states, will only come out after being triggered by a specific thing... so I would suggest that there is something around you that is triggering this part of you to come forward and cope the only way they know how...

As for communicating with that part of you, I assume from what you have written that you can't "hear" or "talk" to that part inside you? Maybe you could try writing to them in a journal or a book set aside just for them. Not sure if it will work but it is worth a shot right? Some parts are not sure of how to communicate or where it is appropriate to do so, by having a book just for them, lets them know that they are allowed to write there... but whatever you do, be gentle and let that part of you know that you want to begin to communicate and will listen... otherwise they may not trust you...

Pixie

 

[suzie q]

I know exactly where you are at in your addiction recovery Seaworthy.

What I had to do was to find an OPEN meeting of AA where you may discuss any addiction you are suffering. I still had to screen the suggestions I heard in order to get answers for myself. In the 14 years of attending meetings, I have yet to find someone EXACTLY like me as far as symptoms. I have found a few here and there who understand or suffer from some of the problems I have had. I have to take what I can use and ignore the rest.

I used to get really angry in the beginning of my sobriety because I felt unique. Wasn't there anyone out there like me? The answer was NO. Even if I were not having symptoms there would still be no one like me. I don't say that to separate myself from others, but to merely suggest that I need many others to guide me through my symptoms, not just one source. It never worked that way when I tried to find THE ANSWER. There are many, and it is up to me to find them if I truly want to get whole again.

The twelve steps only work for me when I work them DAILY. That means that I have to take my own inventory, make my own amends, learn my own coping skills, and reach out to others in need of my experience strength and hope. I couldn't allow what others said or did to affect my healing process. Those that were positive and had experiences like my own stayed in my life. Those that were negative and wanted to "mother me into wellness" were thanked but I never let them start with me.

If you are losing time and find yourself drinking while this is happening, my suggestions would be to start with why you are losing time and find someone who can help you with that symptom. Look at one symptom at a time and get professional help. You can't continue to use the excuse, I can't when your very livelihood is at stake. You "can't" afford NOT TO get the proper help you need to heal. Using chemicals and dissociation to not feel is as you have mentioned very risky. There will be no ONE answer to what you are going through. Break them into baby steps and continue your searches without wasting time. Your others like when you waste time and pay attention to them. You have to break the cycle of zoning out, drinking, then beating yourself up when you are sober. You can only accomplish this, IMO, by getting help for your others. The C-PTSD is helping to fuel your dissociation. When you are triggered you start the whole cycle again.

I know this is a very simplistic opinion of what you are mentally going through, but I had to start somewhere. When my symptoms became overbearing and controlled my days, weeks and years, I had to start somewhere. Don't get overwhelmed with all the symptoms, pick one and if you work on it and it isn't getting any better, switch and work on another until you find the beginning of your recovery. I'm here for you and wish you the best in your recovery. :thumbs-up

 

[This Ends Now]

SeaWorthy,

I have to admit that I am a little biased against AA because it backfired on me horribly. Basically "Lilly" threw a fit and ran to the nearest bar. I have since spoken with several addiction and recovery specialists who independently agreed that the underlying problems (PTSD and DID) needed to be addressed first. I am still new to understanding DID and mapping out the system but it seems to be helping.

What Pixie said about giving the alters a way to communicate and helping them trust you has been useful to be as well. I will say that once I started trying to understand the "insiders" things got noisier and more chaotic at first... but at least now I can understand some of the noise and make sense of it. Its confusing and hard but the more the alters can get on the same page and form a working system the easier it will be to heal.

I also agree with Suzie Q that we are all unique and there is not just one answer. There are bits and pieces of the solution everywhere and the trick seems to be sorting out the answers that work from those that don't.