Alive, But Not Living Life

[canucklady]

Days like today I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have survived at all.

Yes the physical wounds have hearling, but after all these years emotional wounds are still there.

It is like I am a Dead Woman walking. Part of me died back there and am not sure I can get it back.

Days like today it feels very hopeless.

 

[greenbrier]

You are a survivor. So am I. Some days I wonder why, too. I have to believe there is a reason even if I don't understand it right now. I think a part of me died there too, but only now have I started to grieve for her. Someone was born then also: a survivor. Right now a lot of my days seem hopeless. I just have to keep fighting until it gets better. Hang on.

 

[canucklady]

Someone was born then also: a survivor.

Thank you Greenbriar for writing that, I didn't think of it that way, but that is a good way of thinking about it. There is a part that wanted to survive, only at the moment the depressed part wants to take over and it seems like an internal battle. But I have learned, when I am not sure what to do, I do nothing and it will pass.

:)

 

[heather q]

I wish I hadn't survived because I don't know how. I function, I work, I do laundry, I probably appear to have a life, but I don't, I'm lost, I'm dead, I just have to go to work and pay the bills and wait till the end. I feel helpless, I can't even feel angry, when I'm angry I feel guilty. I hate this, I hate what happened to me, there really is no me, I'm just taking up space. I lived a life for a while, then it got worse, then the old stuff showed up and made the whole thing worse.

I don't have an answer, I'm in the same sort of space. I feel devalued. With nowhere to belong, not even family, it feels hopeless, I understand, I'm still here, why?

Heather

 

[growingpains]

I struggle with this too--existing instead of living. Feeling guilt over feeling angry, so much so that I just feel sad or guilty when I should feel angry. I don't have a family either. I live because my abusers live and I want to be part of the forces of good in this world to balance out their hate. Right now I am just taking life one day at a time in terms of trying to learn more about myself, and learn to live. Is there some activity you like which you could do more often? When I was really down I picked up a camera again and started taking pictures out in the forest and that helped me to feel more like I was living being in nature and capturing its beautiful side. Perhaps there is an activity like that which you could enjoy to help take you out of the hopelessness or at least distract you for awhile.

 

[kers]

I really relate to this, canucklady.

The days when I am most detached, I try to find something to do that requires a lot of concentration and precision; I find that helps me to be less dissociated and numb. For example, I like to do art, or even just journaling with really elaborate lettering. Both require me to be in my body and focused. Sometimes I garden, weather permitting.

Days like this happen. I hope you are feeling better by now.

 

[Grama-Herc]

While I've had this "mess" for most of my life, the recent surfacing of my rape when I was 21 has sent me into another tail spin and I know exactly how you feel. My survival makes no sense at times. Kinda like treading water out in the ocean with no chance of rescue. So why bother

 

[canucklady]

Treading Water

Hi Gramma Herc, that is exactly what I told my T last week. It feels like am treading water, only right now feels more like am drowning and come up for air sometimes, but feels like am drowning for sure. Not sure how to get out of this mess.

 

[heather q]

I'm treading water too, but the water is cold and rough and it's dark, there seems to be no point in this struggle, what's it all for? I come up for air for a llittle while and then get sides-wiped. A superficial existence would be easier, I can't be bothered though, for some reason I need to struggle.