All I Want To Do Is Cry, But I Know That Makes Him Angry

[Iwanttolovehim]

You know how sometimes the ones you love the most treat you the worst, well I never used to believe it until now. My boyfriend suffers from PTSD and I do aswell! I have most of my mood swings under control unless I'm in high stress (which is always right now) but my boyfriend I swear has mood swings like someone who sufferes from bipolar disorder! He can be so sweet sometimes and then the next he yells at me for something absolutely absurd!!! Like I didnt put the dog kennel back just right! All I want to do is cry right now, and if i do that he gets even madder saying that I am being dramatic or something... I just really need to have a good cry but im petrified!

 

[IvyMillie]

Sorry to hear that. Yes part of PTSD is quick bursts of anger. They are usually way out of proportion to reality and come out of the blue. The recipient is usually left a bit baffled and at times a bit annoyed.

My husband with PTSD hates it when I cry also. It took me years maybe about 12 years to not cry anymore. I would usually cry by myself. So I can sympathize with you. He also thought I was using it as some kind of weapon to get my own way. Ummm not really. I would cry because I was hurt. It is sure sad though and I'm sorry you are going through that.

As I said it took years for me to get used to it all and to I guess toughen up. I'm a very sensitive person, actually I'm overly sensitive and I would tell him he wasn't sensitive at all.

I hope for you that you can find a place to cry and be by yourself. I couldn't count all the tears I cried seems like an ocean full. However, I think it's healthy to cry if you need to, it's a way of releasing your emotions.

I think for me I wanted to have a husband that would be kind and supportive towards me. However, with PTSD that isn't really possible. I had to realize that I'm kind of on my own emotionally. It's probably been good for me in the long run because I'm alot stronger now. I've learned to be more self-sufficient.

Part of that is that my husband who is often very nice to me, does also have many moods. So I can't ever depend that he will be "available" to support me and what I might be going through. His moods are related mostly to how his work is going and stress.

On the bright side, my husband has improved alot. He's been nicer towards me lately and I don't know what made the change but I'm glad for it. I always have my guard up though as I don't know when one of his darker moods will come back.

I hope the best for you. I'm sorry you are full of tears.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

I always have my guard up though as I don't know when one of his darker moods will come back.

.

Ivy how can you live like that, guarded all the time! See I am a sufferer too and my PTSD comes from a large amount of different traumas throughout my life... one being a very abusive relationship where I couldn't show my emotion or it meant I would be beaten.. I love my boyfriend but I feel like I am back in that situation all over again

 

[friendlybadger]

Girl I could just hug you because I'm in the same boat right now. My H is some kind of bipolar or something. He's been all nice and lovey but then because he finally 'might' be starting a temp job(after a long while of not working) he's thrown my parents under the bus and isn't taking my dad for his surgery next week. I'm a basket case, and H acts like I'm just a royal crazy-a** b*tch. I've been feeling like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know the technical term for it but I'm about to have it :( And my H is just nasty about my feelings and everything. He's making it out like I'm the one with a problem and all this nonsense. So I know where you're coming from.
All I can do is offer a hug and say I'm with ya ...

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

friendlybadger, that is aweful to hear!!!! Big hug right back at you girl!!!! I just don't understand why we have to be a doormat for their emotions!!! I have prided my recovery on making sure that the feelings I have were not directed at anyone because I know that its not anyones in particulars fault as to why I am the way I am! But right now I feel so anxious that a large part of me is ready to run, and that hasn't been a part of my thoughts for a very long time! I love him so much because when he's stable he's amazing, but when he's unstable I get so frightened!!!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((Iwanttolovehim))) A million hugs to you.
It is really difficult. Being a supporter and a sufferer- what a balancing act it is.

 

[friendlybadger]

You really took the words right out of my mouth, iwanttolovehim. My H can be a kick-a** husband on a daily basis but when something goes wrong it's like he changes into this unfeeling cold monster. My H scares me terribly, which spins me into a full-blown panic attack. And then I need more medication and him to 'comfort' me but he's so mean about it that I'm reluctant to ask him to comfort me or help me through the attack. I know exactly where you're coming from.
The one thing I keep telling myself, maybe it will help you too, is that I'm only responsible for my own feelings. If H gets angry because of my expressing my feelings to him, that's his bad. H's are supposed to be supportive and comforting, especially when we're traumatized.
I'm thinking from what you've said that maybe my H is also traumatized in some way and has his own issues to address. I give you so much credit for sticking it out with your guy with his issues and dealing with your own. That takes alot of strength {{hugs}}

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Thanks Guys!!!! I guess my only saving grace is that when it gets too hard for me to handle and I cannot take it anymore I write a letter to him, I never give it to him but there has been a few times that I accidently left it out and hes read them! He will never tell me that hes read the letter but he all of a sudden has a break through of his own, appoligises and because the loving man I know him to be! It sounds manipulative when I read this out but I think I intentionally leave it out for him to find and hope that he reads because then I don't have to hand him something and fear the result of it! Wow.. I just can't believe how horrible PTSD is... I hate this disease with every ounce of my being!

 

[Zipperhead]

Manipulative? Honest communication that can be read over and over and understood manipulative? Okay, maybe leaving it out and making him sneak a peek is not ideal, but it sure beats trying to get the message across during an emotional discussion.

Having said that, I can't handle it when my wife cries. I feel it's manipulative, and the anger comes out. I know it's not rational, but nothing about this PTSD thing is really. But when the anger passes, then I'm left feeling ashamed that I let the beast win again. Don't think of controlling the tears as supressing your feelings. Think of it as allowing him to get in touch with his. Letting the emotional rollercoaster loose isn't helping anyone.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Zipperhead, the problem I have with not being able to cry is that when I started therapy a long time ago I had a lot of anger issues, in fact before my diagnosis I was ordered to take anger managment classes... anyways after my diagnosis my therapist told me that I needed to figure out an emotional release that had no direct influence on anyone around me, because afterall punch holes in walls, breaking dishes, and screaming werent working.... crying became my release! When I am angry it is my second nature now to start crying... and it helps me a lot! Somewhere along the line though crying became a release for a lot of different emotions for me but its my coping mechanism... I can't just shut it off because I fear the anger will come back

 

[Astrid]

Don't think of controlling the tears as supressing your feelings. Think of it as allowing him to get in touch with his. Letting the emotional rollercoaster loose isn't helping anyone.

I partly agree. While it is true that controlling yourself is best sometimes, just because someone feels uncomfortable with you crying, doesn't mean you have to stop it. I would say in this specific situation try to find a healthy way of expressing your feelings, so indeed try to keep youruself in check, but do find a way to express yourself. You both have the right to yoru feelings and to have room to express them.

 

[friendlybadger]

I have to agree with Astrid. It's hard to control your relase-valve for your pent up feelings, whether that release if punching walls or crying. However you need to vent your feelings, trying to repress that can cause a host of other problems including misdirected anger, like roadrage and stuff. I totally know how that feels because I find repressing things is what causes me to flare up and explode in wrong(bad) ways.
Maybe if you explain to your husband about the crying, and what purpose it serves, he'll understand?