I’m not sure about this....
On the one hand, yes, I think it’s good that you’re feeling ok to express a need for connection, that you feel open to connection, that you feel more willing to let someone in... And I absolutely think a therapist can help us with that stuff - they can be the person to model what healthy connection can be like and allow us to practise that in the therapeutic relationship etc.
My gut though tells me that really that should be done within session time, rather than it spilling out into whenever you feel like connecting with him.
What boundaries has he put in place for this? For instance, has he said anything about a limit re frequency of out of session contact or around the length of that (eg when it comes to phone calls, is he allowing, say, a 5-10 min check in or is he potentially going to be on the phone with you for an hour? Or if you two are messaging, is he just going to reply once or twice to acknowledge you reaching out to connect or is he prepared to message back and forth with you for ages?) Has he suggested any boundaries around the content of the between session connection time? ie what will/won’t he be prepared for you both to message or talk about? I can email/text my therapist out of session time either for scheduling or for if I just want to share something with her (eg if I’ve had a mute session and just desperately want to express something that I couldn’t say, or if I want to make myself accountable for talking about something next time). I know she will read it and she may send a brief acknowledgement (literally a “thanks for sending this through...let’s discuss next time) but she will not get into discussing the content over an email/text. That waits until we’re in the room together.
Are the phone calls you’re now working up to going to be phone sessions instead of face to
face sessions? Or additional between session contact? If this is really to address your phone anxiety (I hate the phone too so understand how anxiety-making phone calls can be) there are ways you can work on that with him during session time rather than him saying you can call him whenever you like for a chat.
I can see why you’re excited about this - firstly because you feel it’s progress for you to be more open to leaning in to connection and, secondly, because it may feel like it’s a sign of your need for connection being met for the first time. Is there also an element of you feeling increasingly attached to him and therefore wanting more time “with” him?
I just can’t help but think you need to proceed with caution here.
I remember you posting about your previous T and how attached you were to her and how painful that was for you at times. I think I also remember her changing her boundaries with you so that you weren’t allowed to email her anymore. And I think you said that part of the reason you chose your current therapist was because he’s very different to your last one (not a maternal transference figure etc) so you were hoping that the same dynamic and attachment etc wouldn’t repeat (sorry if I’ve misremembered any of that!)
Since in your OP here you are writing about him “indulging” you with a lot of contact and you feeling worried about becoming “obsessed” with him because “how can you not develop crazy strong feelings” for him...to me, that all feels very emotive and I’d say looks like you could be getting into repeating those old attachment patterns again?
I guess some other things to think about:
- apart from the fact that he is male and has a different personality and maybe (I don’t know) a different therapeutic approach than your previous T, what makes this different so that you will be able to have all this extra contact and connection time with him while avoiding getting sucked back into a challenging dynamic and potentially painful attachment issues?
- have you thought about when/why you might get in touch? ie what will make you want to contact him? Will that in itself prove to be very stressful - feeling like you want to get in touch with him but then debating with yourself about whether it’s ok or whether you are abusing his offer?
- will you feel ok if you try to connect with him out of sessions and he’s not available?
- will you feel ok if somewhere down the road he changes his boundaries or even withdraws the offer of between session contact altogether?
- do you think you will be able to identify it if you do end up getting “obsessed” and do you think you will be able to manage this?
You sound upbeat about this and I don’t want to put a downer on that if you genuinely think that this is a positive, healing way forward for you. But I’m sensing some anxiety/uncertainty from you too (hence, I guess, why you have posted here asking for feedback) and I do think this scenario could become quite challenging unless you both have a really honest conversation about the concerns you’ve outlined here and agree some solid boundaries for how it will work.
