Allowing Myself To Experience Emotions

[Cool Cat]

Hey everyone! It has been a while since I last posted.
I've been having issues for quite some time when it comes to emotions in therapy.
At this stage after a lot of work, they are starting to come through but I keep relentlessly fighting
them back. (In a way that I'm not even sure I consciously control)

I know I trust my T who encourages me, but it feels almost a case because I have been in therapy for almost two years and I'm only getting to crying stage now, when most people I know apparently cry in their first session! It feels almost...drawn out? Like it's becoming a big deal or it will be an obvious milestone which I feel uncomfortable with.

Does anyone know how to break down that final wall?

 

[PTSDbegone]

Sorry I don't have a solution for you, but I can empathize with you. I do understand. I even started group therapy thinking that may help me move forward to feeling more emotions. However I just sat there while others cried, and felt their emotions. I feel as though I'm ready to move forward, but it feels as though something is holding me back. I want to push through this, and not have to be in therapy forever. I'm sure it won't be forever, but right now I just feel stuck. Sorry I am no help, but I just didn't want you to feel completely alone in feeling this way.

 

[Cool Cat]

Sorry I don't have a solution for you, but I can empathize with you.

That in itself is a kind of help :) :)

I'd be very interested in hearing from anyone who has managed to break through the wall all the same if theyre out there

 

[watundah]

Well usually I numb out at the first sign of upset. I fight back the tears. I do feel a lot of sadness, though and she encourages me to feel into it since she does the Somatic Experiencing thing. Maybe that would be a helpful step - to identify any changes such as tension in your gut or tightness in your chest. That's a sure sign that you're feeling something even if you aren't psychically aware of it.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

You don't have to cry, to make progress in therapy. Everyone heals in their own, personal way.

 

[Rumors]

Sorry I don't have a break through story either, but I have empathy for your situation. I numb out and go away. I can do anger as an emotion and that is it.... Beyond blowing my lid, I don't have much emotion. In therapy, I am pretty emotionless and I don't really get mad in there. It is tough.. Very sorry. I hope you find your way through all of this.

 

[Suzetig]

Crying in therapy, for me, was more about an emotional flashback than feelings I have as an adult in the here and now so yes, I cried incessantly but the tears were a sign that I wasn't fully present and needed to ground myself. The tears got in the way of the work I actually needed to do. I'm now more present as an adult in sessions and am much less likely to become upset but am working at a much deeper, more effective level.

Please try not to judge the quality of your therapy or your work there on whether you cry or not - especially in comparison to others. Do the thing that's right for you in the moment in session - there's no rule that says you need to cry.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

I felt numb for the majority of my life and had been fighting to not feel emotions for many years. I so empathize with you. I believe that when we are ready to feel and let our emotions out, it will happen. We can't force it either. No one should try to force you when you're not ready. I also know it's easier said than done because it's been very difficult for me. At first, it felt extremely uncomfortable for me to feel again and still does at times. Some days it's overwhelming but some days it feels amazing, like a big weight is lifting. I also know I am at a stage in my life that I'm ready. I'm finally ready to let it go and work through it despite how painful it will probably be.

I've also learned that in order to let myself feel emotions, I need to feel completely safe. For me to feel safe, I'm learning to put up good healthy boundaries and enforce them. The last thing I need is to be re-traumatized. I feel very fortunate to have an amazing T who does not judge me and lets me set the pace for my recovery without pushing me too far. Sometimes she will push because I need that. If I were left to my own devices, I probably wouldn't get very far.

When something triggers me, she's helped me to learn to notice what I'm thinking, feeling, believing in that moment as well. She then helps me to process what happened and why. My first reaction to being triggered is to disassociate which is not good. I've learned that disassociating leaves me open to trauma. By learning to put up good healthy boundaries, I am protecting myself. When I feel protected and safe, I can let myself feel. I've also learned to not judge myself for whatever I'm feeling. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. You feel what you feel and no one should tell you otherwise.

This is just what I've learned through my therapy. I really hope this helps.

 

[Rumors]

This hits home so much right now. I am dealing with this head on and it's really tough. It is a lifetime of not feeling anything. I can do anger, but beyond that I am pretty vacant. Instead of allowing myself to be sad, I get angry. If I am hurt, I get angry. If I don't get angry, I just go away and numb it all out. Those are my two options and nothing in between. When someone tells me I need to sit with my feelings I just want to vomit. I know that is where the work is and I will likely have to face that before I can heal, however it is just so dang difficult when you have lived a certain way your whole life!!!

 

[ButterflyBean]

There's no rule that says you need to cry

Or that you don't. Crying has been one of my goals for a long time because tears can be very therapeutic, and I need to access the sadness. My inner child is afraid to express her feelings…

 

[StellaBlue]

....I have been in therapy for almost two years and I'm only getting to crying stage now, when most people I know apparently cry in their first session!

I don't think there is a "crying stage" in therapy. With my last therapist (and the first...and so far only one I trusted, I never cried in therapy until the day I showed up for therapy (after 2 years of seeing him) and got a distressing text from my boss....so I'm sitting in the waiting room with tears running down my face and my therapist was....shocked, confounded...I don't know. Crying is not necessarily a hallmark or a watershed.

Does anyone know how to break down that final wall

And...I don't think crying is going to be your final wall.

Crying for me was a very difficult thing. I would go into therapy and tell the man I had cried and he would ask if I felt better afterwards. The answer was no...crying was not healing for me (at the time)...it was more of a "I have reached my breaking point...." And it happened so rarely and only when I was at the point of massive overwhelm...the one that really sticks out is when I was going to make muffins for the kids and I couldn't find the measuring cup because one of the kids put it in the wrong place. I sat at the table and sobbed...freaked the kids out...freaked the dogs out...freaked the cats out (and that's an accomplishment in and of itself)...was it a healing cry...no...

I babble on...crying is good...but it's not really the end goal, is it? The end goal is to be able to feel your feelings...to be safe and whole in your own skin...if crying gets you there, it's a path...

 

[Matthew Barret]

It is very interesting to hear it.