SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I wasn't sure if I should put this under Childhood prefix, but...I don't know, this one is accurate too, fairly. There are twice in my life I've gone through something of the sort and one... one was really, really different because I was a kid. It took me 20 years and going through the same thing as an adult to start even thinking, yet alone talking about it. About him, again. I worked so carefully to exclude him from my life. And he's been dead for several years, so yeah, that was that. I don't... I want to write, but I can't write, I want to talk but I can't, does that make sense?
I can't... I've been having a rough week around job search and I was talking to my therapist and I was talking about my family. I was saying things about my mom and her background and I almost wanted to explain some of how she acted. Her family situation. I was going to mention what her dad was like. And then I didn't. I've only talked to 4 people about it, and I am still bewildered that I have. 4 is 4 too many. I thought I would never say it to anyone. I want to talk and then I don't because what's there to say? My T's aware that I have history of childhood whatever- I never know what to call it. Molestation? At least at first anyway, before it got worse. But that was from the intake session, and I still only half-said it and we haven't talked about it. She thought it would help me to be more stable (I was highly depressed and anxious and barely functional when I went back to therapy) first.
And this is so not the moment to talk about this, I feel like I have fever even writing this. But I almost talked about him and when I got to that part I just skipped talking about him. It was like pressing on a bruise. I didn't even- there was no talking about him at the end, and I know it makes no sense but it's been on my mind ever since I came home. I used to write in a fanfic to vent out my emotions in general a while back and I might do this again tomorrow. I know this just doesn't make sense, but it's like I thought about him for a first time in a long time and now it's on my mind and I know I keep saying it and him and I am so sorry...I just. I was 6 when it started and went on occasion, in different ways, until I was 10, and I just can't... I don't ...I don't want to talk about it but I can't stop thinking about it, it's like a ball in my throat. Does that make any sense? I just...I'm supposed to be sleeping and I finally have an idea about dealing with the job situation but... Nothing has happened, nothing to warrant thinking about it. I just. Tonight is just a weird night. I feel stupid even writing this, but I just. I don't know. I thought in some weird way it could help. I'm sorry.
I can't... I've been having a rough week around job search and I was talking to my therapist and I was talking about my family. I was saying things about my mom and her background and I almost wanted to explain some of how she acted. Her family situation. I was going to mention what her dad was like. And then I didn't. I've only talked to 4 people about it, and I am still bewildered that I have. 4 is 4 too many. I thought I would never say it to anyone. I want to talk and then I don't because what's there to say? My T's aware that I have history of childhood whatever- I never know what to call it. Molestation? At least at first anyway, before it got worse. But that was from the intake session, and I still only half-said it and we haven't talked about it. She thought it would help me to be more stable (I was highly depressed and anxious and barely functional when I went back to therapy) first.
And this is so not the moment to talk about this, I feel like I have fever even writing this. But I almost talked about him and when I got to that part I just skipped talking about him. It was like pressing on a bruise. I didn't even- there was no talking about him at the end, and I know it makes no sense but it's been on my mind ever since I came home. I used to write in a fanfic to vent out my emotions in general a while back and I might do this again tomorrow. I know this just doesn't make sense, but it's like I thought about him for a first time in a long time and now it's on my mind and I know I keep saying it and him and I am so sorry...I just. I was 6 when it started and went on occasion, in different ways, until I was 10, and I just can't... I don't ...I don't want to talk about it but I can't stop thinking about it, it's like a ball in my throat. Does that make any sense? I just...I'm supposed to be sleeping and I finally have an idea about dealing with the job situation but... Nothing has happened, nothing to warrant thinking about it. I just. Tonight is just a weird night. I feel stupid even writing this, but I just. I don't know. I thought in some weird way it could help. I'm sorry.
