Alone On Christmas

[lostforgottensoul]

From what you've written You seem to be going in the right direction, so I'm sending lots of strength and courage your way to light your path. Wishing you the best. VB

Lately i feel like im moving backwards, like all I knew to be true (my dad fully beliving me, at least he does) just came crashing down on me. I do have an awesome therapist and Im also grateful for that as in another State i lived in before i moved here, I had a few, 4, free therapists, 2 which said yes and acted on my come ons when in my head i didnt want them to, the other 2 kicked me out, one for coming on to him (guess he never heard of transferance, a word my current therapist and i use a lot) and the other one for not being ready for "exposure therapy" and he didnt even know much. Anyway, im at work so i gotta make this short, and some how slow this anxiety, your thoughts are apprechiated (however you spell that) and taken in well :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

Maybe I have missed a part of your story, but I wonder why you are still in contact with toxic people? Don't waste your time, let them be ignorant, get the hell out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul I know that's it's hard for you around the holidays. I know it's ea...

Della, im sorry i mossed this post this morning, was trying to hurry & get ready for work. I think my dad denies my past and not my 4 half sisters from his firstarriage because he could have takene andy brother instead of just my brother and said no twice, its easier for him to say im lying than to own up to his wrong doing; however, thats exactly what i need from him, own it and appologize. If he did that, just that, it would do wonders in my healing but he wants to take the easy road for him, "she has to be lying" then he comes off as "i did the right thing" and it halts my therapy or at least slows it to a very bery slow crawl. I know he's human and has fault but if your 9 yr old little girl begs you to take her with you and then again at 12 yrs old and you fail to see that bright neon sign that something is wrong and say no both times, take your brother and leave you there alone, you have failed to protect you child; then at almost 35 w/ no family beliving her something REALLY bad happened and a nig part of you says "she must be lying" and put your head in the sand instead of owning it, you are yet again failing your child as this daugher, still, in so many ways that 7 yr ild little girl whom was first victimized (or younger as i cant remember past 7 yrs of age but wasnt a virgin), still needing and begging for her daddy, you take the EASY route for YOU? Instead of being a man and believe your child, own your wrong doing in it as well, and become part of the healing instead of halting it. Become part of the support instead of the abandoned, gossiping, judging family. Nothing about this is easy for me but he wants to take the easy route for him?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe I have missed a part of your story, but I wonder why you are still in contact with toxic peopl...

My story is in the indroductions. My mom whom i cut contact with when i was 19, now almost 35, and my step dad whom died a yr or so back were my abusers. My dad left me there alone, he took my brother, when i was 12 and was isolated from and regained contact with him at age 19. Though he was verbally abusive, he wasnt part of the cult which started by my step dad and mom after he left. I still have no contact with my mom.

 

[joeylittle]

its easier for him to say im lying than to own up to his wrong doing; however, thats exactly what i need from him, own it and appologize. If he did that, just that, it would do wonders in my healing but he wants to take the easy road for him, "she has to be lying" then he comes off as "i did the right thing" and it halts my therapy or at least slows it to a very bery slow crawl.

This is very well described.

I think your therapist can work with you to accept that your father isn't going to give you what you want, here. And his actions do not need to get in the way of your own therapy proceeding. I absolutely understand that it would be so, so, so much more straightforward (I don't want to say easier, because none of this is easy) if he would step up and engage with you about the things that happened.

But you can't let his inability or refusal to participate get in the way of your own progress.

The hardest thing I think I've had to learn - and I'm in no way a master of it - is that we cannot make others do anything. We are only in control of our own actions. I could no more make my kidnapper stop abusing me, than I could make the rain stop falling. Or my mother see that she did a big wrong thing when she decided to not see what had happened to me.

What I can do is understand that I don't have control over those things. I can control my response to them, which is different depending on what the situation is. And it sounds so nice and neat to say it that way, but the reality is - it's very hard to do. But your therapist can help you.

Something you could try, before just starting that acceptance process, is go ahead and get your father into a family session with you, your therapist, your step-mom (if you'd like). Let your therapist tell him what happened to you. See if something can shift - it's not all going to be better in one session, but it will become clear whether there's some possibility for him changing.

And if there is, you make a decision about that. Or, if there's not, you decide about that. Anything to get you out of the limbo you are in right now, where you're suffering and waiting for him to see it. I think you can try and get unstuck.

Easy for me to say, hard to do - I know. But I wanted to share my thoughts, in case something rang a bell for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is very well described.

I think your therapist can work with you to accept that your father isn...

Thank you! It is hard as my entire family doesnt believe me and I thought he and my step mom did and that was helping me, at least someone other than my therapist believes me, is what I thought so when I found out different it felt like the entire world came crashing down. I know I can get better alone but first it harder to unbrainwash yourself when no one is physically there to counter what was told to me and second, my dad and step mom lives with me and theres always tension in my house and so my anxiety is always way high. The tension has other reasons too but me and my dad were trying to go out on fridays to get me out of the house and stop self isolating and so the little girl can have her daddy as she (i) never had. He was verbally/mentally/and physically abusive when i was little; everyone blames it on being diabetic and not knowing it but he knows it now, takes all his meds and insulin now, whats his excuse now for being verbally & mentally abusive? Old age? Certianly not dementia. He was not and had changed for the better when i was 19. He's only made this change back to what i remember, minus the physical part, within the last few yrs. It wasnt my odea for him to move back in with me, it was theirs. My ex roomates i finally got out of my house after they turned my house into a crack house and a herion shoot up place while my huffing became very scary (long story) but ive been clean of coke & crack for 12 yrs and huffing now i have been posting 8 months but i think its now been over 2 yrs, stopped smoke about 8 months ago (now use a vaporizer w/ nicotine) and when he first moved in i was stuggling w/ money as my yearly rent increasung dont match my yearly raises and he stated he had no money after paying for his rent, utilities, cable, car pymt, and my step mom's Dr & meds (who doesnt work & jas no insur, she lives off my dad's retirement SS, VA pensenion & disabilty) so they brought it toe & i said sure so they pay me $400 a month & i pay the rest & that allows me to see my therapist once a week along w/ my pain dr, my MD, & my meds (i have insur thru my job); but there were conditions on both sides, i hold my step mom's pain pills & she isnt to get high in my house & i said i wouldnt huff (and havent) and i would try not to go off and explode but when buttons are pushed and triggers are hit, i cant help that. I had a pain pump that just has liquid morphine in it for now put in me 11/11 this yr, i broke my back in '09 and had 2 nack surfies, one left perm nerve damage & now i have fibrosis along w/ other stuff (scar rissue pressing on nerves, in 34, my pain dr said in 5 yrs i may not be able to walk even on oral meds...the neurostimular which is non chemical failed, this is the only long term way my pain dr to give me as much of a life for as long as possible; tho my family says im addicted to pain meds i now have 26 extra that i didnt take as i only take when needex as i do my anxiety meds & NEVER together & if i liked opioids id take it to the extreme as i do everything & would be a herion addict. I tried black tar herion once, smoked, and HATED it) and the hospital held me over night and all hell breaks loose, my step mom was high as hell for 2 days, i have a picturw to prove ahe was the day i was in the hospital, and all of my meds are locked in my purse, i couldnt take any personal items with me; should of known to lock it in my truck byt left my purse in my step mom's and dad's closet and someone ripped it open and 12 or more of my meds werw stolen, while having surgery. My step mom was the only one high though her daughter (who is a recovering opiod addict tho she asks for pain meds all the time) was therw along with her husband so it could have been my step mom or her daughter or both but when i say "i trust you dont tell your daughter where my purse is:, whether you did it or your daughter did it, you broke my truat by saying you told her where my purse was. My dad has my step mom cornered, go to rehab or find another place to live, no one will take her in but he wont do it; says if i call her Dr he'll move and if does, i will need to cut off my cable & internet & cut my therapist sesaions to once a month. What do i do? He is verbally & mentally abusive & she's an addict. I hold her meds in my safe, the keys are locked in my purse which mow never leaves my sight and instead of double tsking what shes perscribed, she gets what shes prescribed and as far as i know hasnt been high since but i can never teust her again and i cant aee kicking my 74 yr old father out but i see him differently too now that i know he doesnt fully believe me.

My therapist and i do still plan on bringing him in and reading the written non detailed with the psycological effects BUT i want my therapist to tell my dad every reason that he knows im not lying and i want my dad to look me in the eyes and make me believe thay he 100% believese first or whats the point?

I cant decide if them living w/ me is more ha than good. Ive paid bills and aurvived since i was 12; and i idenfy with kidnap victims onstead of sexually abused and insest victims and i think because my mom's personality did a 180, she turned into a different person and i was isolated from my dad and my entire family and most of the world so to me it was like i was kidnapped.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

To add for everyone, i am an addict, just not an addict that likes pain pills. Im a speed addict. Addition started when i was 12 when they gave me whatever drug they gave me to be more complient, then coke & crack w/ my ex for a yr when i was 23 to 24, got myself clean again then huffing duster as it was the only thing that stopped the flashnacks and that lasted a few yrs but very bad (16 cans w/ in a few hrs) for about a yr and got myself clean again, never been to rehab, for about now 2 yrs and stopped smoking cigs on my own but still ise nicotine by vaporizer but its way better for ya. Never ever have ive been high or over took my pain meds since i e been on them since my accident in '09

 

[Powder]

To be very honest, I don't believe that there is such a thing as a good person who doesn't believe their own child, and I have read that only those parents with mental illness or dirty hands of their own won't listen to the child about abuse. The truth of this has been born out in my life; people either are part of the problem or the solution. There is no neutral position when it comes to child abuse, at least not over time.

It is difficult for me to process my own anger at those who choose to ignore or explain away my childhood distress signals. I find myself making excuses for them, only to feel more anger. It is likely far simpler to just take the hopes that I had as a child to be saved by these pathetic people and see that such hope was really desperation. These were no saviors, and I had false hopes. Better to see the adults in my life then as they truly are, and to accept who they are as who they are.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

people either are part of the problem or the solution. There is no neutral position when it comes to child abuse

Isnt that the truth. During my sorta self awareness thing that happened last Thurs session, my therapist and i spoke breifly about my dad not fully beliving me. This comes from a few things; i think 1) he is 74, 2 generations away from me as im 34...so he's old and grumpy (no excuse i know) 2) he does have dirty hands but doesnt want to face that due to him leaving me there this much of a horrible thing happened; he sticks his head in the sand about a lot of rhins; rhis included 3) my therapist also says he's very small minded who wants simple answers. Like for instance, he watches Fox News ALL DAY LONG, if you bring a different polical view such as "i dont want Trump as president for these reasons..." he argues and yells, he cant seem to be at least open for opinions as i am. I am registered Republican but as middle of the road one can be and i would vote for a demoicate if i saw them as honest, wanted whats best for the country, and had the same simular beliefs i have. And im so opened minded that i can have a full open discussion with a very far liberal individual because i dont judge anyone for anything, especially their polical and relgious views. My dad cant seem to do that, he only votes replublican and i'll ask, "well if you dont like this or that about them then why vote for them", his answer "because they're repulican". So what? Plus i think 4) his 1st 4 children, all girls; my half sisters from his first marriage were all sexually abused by their step father, he was sorta tricked into letting that abuser adopt them and then i, his 5th daughter and youngest child, went through what i did due to him not taking me. Its not his fault that it happened but i was old enough to say where i wanted to live or at least gave him enough to go off of to investigate why i didnt want to stay with my mom so maybe he just cant face it. But he says things like "i wish i could piss on [half sister's step dad]'s grave"; i say "but what about me?"....his answer "i wasnt talking about you". My therapist says i need to figure out how to forgive my dad or release some of the anger i have towards him for leaving me there alone and he says i have to come to terms with the fact that he may never understand or believe me. It sucks but it is what it is i guess...

 

[Powder]

I think coming to terms with it involves a bit of fully feeling the loss of what that choice truly cost you. Once you can see what it truly cost you, then and now, then the full weight of the loss is felt, emotionally. It hurts, as if a big wave has sent you under a cold and cruel sea with a mouthful of sand and rocks. Then, if you feel some self-compassion for the totality of what you've been through, it's like a wiser part of yourself sees the chapter in the story where it belongs, and you start to move onto the next chapter of life, with some trepidation, but with some sense of curiosity.

It's a brave thing to face feelings and to process them and to keep going. Be kind to yourself. It takes time and patience with the process and with yourself.

I also suggest you image a perfect friend, a good listener, and when you feel anger about how you were treated, imagine that you have told this person and what they would feel about you. If you can image someone you admire accepting you and validating you, than it's almost better than a real person doing this for you, because this imaginary friend, is ultimately 'you.'

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Once you can see what it truly cost you, then and now, then the full weight of the loss is felt, emotionally. It hurts, as if a big wave has sent you under a cold and cruel sea with a mouthful of sand and rocks.

I think thats what im not wanting to do; cuz to feel it again i think will put me in a tail spin ive never been before; and i know i went through it once and im still here BUT i was numbing it then, created "identities" and i have to work and that involves numbing it in the day. Ive gotta figure out how to slowly feel it and ease into it, so that i can make mental adjustments, so not to make me a 'crazy woman' at work; as i feel my therapist pulling it out of me has made me that 'crazy woman' already; without feeling it again. I had to have my anxiety meds increased due to that. Last night i re-read my story (should of done that after work but did it at work so dont think i felt what i should have) and then i re-read the first long verison reply to the post i put on here about my most guarded and closely held secert by @FridayJones, thread found here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-start-of-grieving-little-me-1-of-2-reasons-im-a-monster.58415/ without reading my post; im trying to pound the reply (what my therapist says is the truth or reality) in me like what i believe to be true was pound into me and his long verison reply caused massive amxiety and pain, so much so that i couldnt sleep. I know its big that im automatically feeling pain now and not self hatred and self anger but still, its too much, just a tiny bit of it. Then my body started to have the reaction it seems to always have and that frustrated me and makes me punish myself (as it always does) and im still confused as to why; completely out of the blue, good mood and all, not thinking about anything particular, my body just has that reaction like i was watching porn for hrs or like i was thinking of a lover or spouce that is away and i dont have to be thinking about anything for it to occur but some replies or if i think of my step dad it happens and it makes me mad at myself even though im not trying to. Anyway, due to that frustration and the massive and pain that one reply caused i couldnt sleep and only got a few hrs of sleep and thats not the full weight of my past, just a teeny tiny bit of it so not sure what the full amount would do. But i know i have to feel it again and i hope i can without breaking down and still be able to work. Half of me feels i need to break down but if i do will i go on a tailspin? My job is my main concern as i work as an internet and PC tech in a call center and people are constantly screaming at me and i cant scream or argue back and my anxiety causes that reaction and i cant do that so thats my main concern and why i want to go SUPER slow.

image a perfect friend, a good listener, and when you feel anger about how you were treated, imagine that you have told this person and what they would feel about you.

If you can image someone you admire accepting you and validating you, than it's almost better than a real person doing this for you, because this imaginary friend, is ultimately 'you.'

I dont know if i can make up someone as no one ever says anyone good about me but my therapist and certianly i cant. I can imagine my therapist though, in my head and he's the only person i trust, he constantly says good things about me, and the only person that i feel safe around. I dont know if that would be the same thing as my image and thought of my therapist could maybe change eventually to being me saying it about me? I dont know, never been able to image anyone else (i do this at night to be able to sleep, like make up a fake tv show or movie in my head to make me feel safe and put me to sleep; generally they are about me and my therapist and his family, like pretending he saved me from my past and was raising me himself with his wife and how that would go; stupid i know but only thing that makes me feel safe enough to sleep) so not sure if that would work. I can try a fake person first and see if that works but if i make someone up, generally i see them telling me what i think of me which isnt good...so i dont know. Also that fake "movie in my head" sometimes turns sexual when i dont want it to causing frustration. My therapist says thats normal; and i have NO sexual attraction or feelings for him AT ALL, its automatic...will it be automatic with a fake imarginary person? Cant be a woman, women still terrify me though it is supposed to be me and im female so i dont know...

 

[Powder]

My T. said that our body's reactions within PTSD is to "lie to us" saying that "it will put us into a tailspin" or basically kill us to revisit these feelings that were overwhelming at the time.

I have faced them, and they are really tough. I do typically feel, for a few moments, that I wish I were dead. But I am not suicidal, so that passes quickly and I can cry and talk to my supporter and somehow process and move past what was too painful in the past.

The thing is, with recurrent abuse and traumatic amnesia, and different Identities, yes, there is more than one of these episodes to process. I believe when the survivor is ready, it comes up.

To me this is not any different than getting sick but refusing to vomit. It really has been for me, all my life, simpler to just let it come, let the sickness pass over, than to remain stuck with it ongoingly.

This is a kind of exposure therapy, even if done alone, and it does require positive resources. Your T. does sound like a positive resource.

I'd also like to share that there is a lot of false guilt and self-blame or judgment that is picked up from the abusers, that I think might be in you, but I know is in Me.

I am working on that, too, by allowing for myself to bear the scars of my abuse inside of me. I am not perfect inside, and that's okay. I can love me the way I am. It is not always easy, but I know that I can. I agree it takes someone else showing you, over and over, that it's easy to love you, and that you can, too. It takes a long time. But that, I do have.