Always Alone

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Even in the midst of a room full of people, I feel alone. It has been a tough couple of days after a half good day and I feel completely alone. My therapist just got back Monday and I e-mailed her today. I haven't gotten a response. She's probably just busy. I e-mailed my husband at his work to tell him I was struggling today. I haven't heard back from him. Facebook messages from a friend just told me to get out bed (perhaps in jest, but it just made me feel worse). Yes, I have been in bed all day, but I don't see the point of getting up and pretending today.

I have been really, really trying and I have been doing fairly well considering I have gone almost two weeks with very little support. But really, I'm just barely hanging on. It showed up when I screamed "shut up" to my kids before driving away from the house last night, leaving my husband to continue dealing with them alone. I told my older son to shut up this morning when he wasn't listening. I can't even remember what the conversation was (probably because I was dissociated). I can't control or work with my parts (dissociative identity disorder). Even with all these parts inside of me, I feel completely alone.

So why do I keep trying?

 

[shimmerz]

So why do I keep trying?

I call it the 'faint hope clause'.

I am so very sorry that you are struggling so @JEKBreatheandBelieve .

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

'faint hope clause'

I like that wording. Thanks.

 

[watundah]

You keep trying because this is an exception, not the rule. Because you've experienced happiness and know it is real and remains a possibility. Because like all of us, the worst is in the past and healing means promise. Sending you warming energy.

 

[mrsps]

You keep trying because there is hope for you to have a happy future with your husband and kids. At the moment things are hard and it takes time to work through everything. Nothing is a quick fix when it comes to PTSD. Once you have progressed with your healing you will be so proud that you did keep trying. hang in there :)

 

[Gadgie]

Yea! I feel alone, probably because I am? Sounds daft I know, but it only hits me now and then, and now that I've finished painting the house and have nothing to do, it hits me even harder?

My sister is always at me to get out more and meet other people. I would like to do that, but I'm no good at mixing with people any more.

 

[scout86]

You keep going because you're tougher and more determined than you think you are!

but I'm no good at mixing with people any more.

Are you really sure about that? You seem pretty ok around here.

 

[Gadgie]

Aye! I do the same when my sister face times me, it's just a front I have to put on, so that she doesn't worry about me unnecessarily, as she is the only person who does care.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just want to scream out to the world that I hate my life. I know this low will pass if I can wait it out long enough, but I can't stand being in it. I wish it were as easy as people (not necessarily people on here) make it sound to just get over it and move on. I just HATE it. Sorry, but I really needed to get that out as all I have had for company today is my cat and she doesn't seem to understand (well, I guess she understands enough to stick with me because I feel alone).

 

[scout86]

My T just sent me a link to a good article about dealing with what he called "negative energy". (Anger management was probably more his point, but "negative energy" certainly fits.) Here's the linkhttp://time.com/4069899/anger-management-tips/
The author talks about using things like "humor" and "distraction" and "diversion" to deal with anger. He says fighting a negative feeling only makes it worse, but changing what you're thinking about has been shown, with brain scans, to change the way your brain is working. I'm thinking it would work with ANY negative emotion. Might be worth a try?