No matter what I do or how I think, death's door is always there inviting me. I can be laughing and having a good time with my grand-daughters, but still the thought of just turning and walking right through is still there. Death is always there just inside my peripheral, the door slightly ajar inviting me to enter. I cant explain it to which my shrink fully understands.(he thinks I am suicidal, and locked me up for a week ) I am not suicidal, nor do I just want to give up, it is just that it seems like the option of death is always there for me. A little background first.
I am over 50 yrs old. Had a good life as a child, with no problems or abuse. (although my mother did beat the hell out of me from time to time, I was a bad kid lol) My problems didn't come about until 2012. I was employed as a police officer and also served in the reserves. I have had 3 tours to the desert and came back a little messed up. I did not serve in the desert in a combat position but I did get shot at and mortar attacks were very frequent. ( 3-4 times a week) I also saw a lot of the "damage" that war does. Part of my job was to help the wounded and deceased of the helos and into the ambulance, as well as loading the caskets of our fallen brethren on to the aircraft to be sent home. I got ill while I was there and it took about 2 months to recover from a virus. The doc says that it how my fibromyalgia started. With the fibro I constantly hurt all over and feel tired all the time. I know and understand the cycle about pain and depression. ( pain makes you depressed and depression makes you hurt ) A part of me is still there and I still long to return I had cheated death on several occasions both in Iraq and as a police officer. When I got sick I was retired by the military and the police department fired me. Now I live on my disability. I am a Christian and my faith is strong.
So, now that all of that is out of the way. I understand that some of my problems is guilt. For feeling like I didn't "do" enough. Even though my job was not combat, I feel guilty that it wasn't and should have been there in the "fight" and maybe I could have saved some of those young men that were there.
Or is it that I hurt so much and I am just tired of the pain, all the meds that I have to take. The constant feeling of being less of a man 'cause I can no longer support my family. Or can it be that there is always the thought of being able to walk through that door to go to a better place.
I know that this had been a long post and I appreciate yall for taking the time to read it. I did try to shorten it. I just would like to know if any one else has this same problem.
Thank you and God bless.
I am over 50 yrs old. Had a good life as a child, with no problems or abuse. (although my mother did beat the hell out of me from time to time, I was a bad kid lol) My problems didn't come about until 2012. I was employed as a police officer and also served in the reserves. I have had 3 tours to the desert and came back a little messed up. I did not serve in the desert in a combat position but I did get shot at and mortar attacks were very frequent. ( 3-4 times a week) I also saw a lot of the "damage" that war does. Part of my job was to help the wounded and deceased of the helos and into the ambulance, as well as loading the caskets of our fallen brethren on to the aircraft to be sent home. I got ill while I was there and it took about 2 months to recover from a virus. The doc says that it how my fibromyalgia started. With the fibro I constantly hurt all over and feel tired all the time. I know and understand the cycle about pain and depression. ( pain makes you depressed and depression makes you hurt ) A part of me is still there and I still long to return I had cheated death on several occasions both in Iraq and as a police officer. When I got sick I was retired by the military and the police department fired me. Now I live on my disability. I am a Christian and my faith is strong.
So, now that all of that is out of the way. I understand that some of my problems is guilt. For feeling like I didn't "do" enough. Even though my job was not combat, I feel guilty that it wasn't and should have been there in the "fight" and maybe I could have saved some of those young men that were there.
Or is it that I hurt so much and I am just tired of the pain, all the meds that I have to take. The constant feeling of being less of a man 'cause I can no longer support my family. Or can it be that there is always the thought of being able to walk through that door to go to a better place.
I know that this had been a long post and I appreciate yall for taking the time to read it. I did try to shorten it. I just would like to know if any one else has this same problem.
Thank you and God bless.
