Always The Outcast!

[Changing4Best]

All my life I have suffered from one form of rejection or another it seems. I was the kid no one wanted on their team. I was the kid who no one much wanted as a friend, though someone would sometimes befriend me out of pity, I think. (Or in 6th grade two girls did, but I was every boy's number one object of hatred that whole year too, so...).

Now, as I am 58, jumping ahead here, I find myself being again the outcast once more... where I live. All the girls on this floor where I live are friends, but no one is chummy with me. That is except for one other girl, but she seems to be an outcast from the rest of them too. She is at least friendly though, so I should not go overboard here with my "pity party" so completely. It is just that I feel so left out.

For instance, one of the girls was knocking on doors handing out Christmas cards to all the other girls here yesterday. Do you think she knocked on my door? NO. My dog barked, when she knocked on another door, so I looked out to see why. That is when I saw the card celebration going on. I felt so left out and unloved, the outcast, as I always seem to end up being.

I suppose someone has to be the one who is least loved. Why does it always have to be me though? What did I do to deserve this? I do not know!

 

[TeaLeaf]

Hi Shelia- I have struggled with feeling like an outcast at various points in my life and actually most of my life, it's a lonely and empty place to be. One thing that I found helpful was to put myself out there more. Inviting other people to go out for coffee or tea, giving cards to them on christmas or their birthdays, calling people up etc. Sometimes other people are not very good about making the first step to get to know others, especially when they already know each other well. Maybe not every invitation will be accepted but I bet some will say yes and you have the opportunities to make new friends. If you don't take steps to improve your situation, most likely nothing will change or at minimum, you depend on other people to fix you feeling left out

Do you think you could invite the girl you know the best out for coffee or tea? Give her a Christmas card or maybe give others on your floor a Christmas card?

 

[Changing4Best]

Sue is the one who is most friendly and I feel not part of their clique. She is also unable to drive, same as me and is substantially older than I. So... we do however wait for the bus sometimes together, so I can try to think of ways to be more friendly with her, like knocking on her door and giving her a card. It did occurr to me that the one who was handing the cards out was only giving them out to folks down at the other end of the hall,
maybe... anyway, I like to bake, maybe I shall bake some cookies and share those with Sue, or something like that.

 

[Mary Black]

All my life I have suffered from one form of rejection or another it seems.

It's to the point where I wonder if this is karma somehow that I'm living through from something I did in a past life. But then I also wonder if I'm too open, needy, and giving, so that people take me for granted. I joke to people all the time that I'm the freak of the freaks. Even the freaks don't want to be around me most of the time. And at my age I feel that this is how it will always be. A recent friend with fibromyalgia seemed like my first close friend but then she started to ditch me to spend time with her boyfriend. Since she told me about her problems with him and I agreed that she should leave him she doesn't like me so much anymore.

I hope you make friends.

 

[Changing4Best]

I wonder if I'm too open, needy, and giving, so that people take me for granted. I joke to people all the time that I'm the freak of the freaks. Even the freaks don't want to be around me most of the time. And at my age I feel that this is how it will always be... I hope you make friends.

Thanks for that last, I hope you do too. I hate being a doormatt, I agree, it is a frame of mind that sets us up for great loss, bitterness and emotional trauma. We leave ourselves wide open to being used, then dumped when we finally get fed up and say, "No." I think it is better to say, "No." to start with, but that is where our neediness comes into play the most, when folks ask us for things they really have no right to ask us for! Be well, be strong, Mary, and don't give up!

We should make a pact, Mary, you and I, to make one new friend or neighbor aquaintance and warming up to such a friend or neighbor, before the end of the year. You game?

 

[Deleted member 17790]

Yes being The Scapegoat sucks:( A bugger of a pattern to undo - they say we are not given anything that we can't handle - well I have been challenged to handle undoing The Scapegoat Complex!! Still I have broken the cycle now and can stand up for myself - I now even have a self to stand up for !!!!:happy:

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes being The Scapegoat sucks:( A bugger of a pattern to undo - ... I have been challenged to handle undoing The Scapegoat Complex!! :happy:

How are you doing at this? Any successes so far? I like the idea, but I don't know if "scapegoat" actually totally describes my situation (going to look up word right now).

Websters says: "One that bears the blame for others" and I can see how that is now! I may have, in 6th grade, borne the resentment that the boys had toward a mother, sister, teacher or whoever! I never realized that before!!! All I knew is that all the boys mercilessly picked on me, called me "ugly" and made me feel totally unworthy to EVER have a boyfriend or husband. In fact, the man I chose as my prospective husband was 5 foot 2 inches (I am 5'7"), was much older than I and he came from another country. He was kind and gentle, seemed undangerous and seemed to be available, but *I* asked him to be in a relationship with me. He was shocked, but said, "Yes." (I later found out that he'd just been "dumped" by another lady. He was feeling unworthy maybe).

In the end though, it was our church that told him he HAD to marry me, we'd been living together for 6 years, if I recall. This did NOT help me to feel loved, worthy of being a wife or any such thing. It just made me feel more worthless yet! They gave him another choice too, break up with me. He told me all this, then said he'd never attempted to marry me because he was so much older than I (23 years between us). He said he felt that I would not want to stay with him! However, I did love him, so we married. Still... the circumstances of the marriage always left a bitter taste in my mouth.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

How awful to be bullied so mercilessly at school - bullyonline has some fantastic stuff about ptsd from bullying at school.

Yes I agree that having someone tell a partner they had to marry me would leave me feeling disrespected and unworthy and maybe even a tad humiliated :rolleyes: feel sad for you. I would feel hurt.

Yes a new vocabulary is needed to describe some of this dismissive and hurtful behaviour

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks Sydneysider, I needed that! ANd I shall go look at bullyonline, sounds interesting.

Basically, even be fore I do go look at it, I have felt that being abused and molested at a very young age (6 months to 6 yrs old or so) set me up for all the bullying at school thugh. I never would have put up with it if I had not been "taught" to just quietly and humbly accept it at home. First I was mistreated physically and mentally and emotionally there, then it just followed as a way of life in school, since I knew no other life at all!

 

[Legend]

To look at me, or to see me in a social setting one would never guess that I feel really out of place. I have no outward problems interacting with people, however it is very hard for me on the inside. I have felt out of place all my life, and was always an outsider, even in my family. I was mistreated at school and finally was able to fight back against my bullies. It caused me to get beat down but they left me alone, I learned that being on the outside was not such a bad thing. It gave me the opportunity to see the real world, I was'nt caught up in the fight for position within the clicks in school.

I could see clearly how stressful it was to try and get into a certain group or club. I dident have to worry about being rejected because I dident try and "belong". In my adult life, I came to enjoy the same thing. I really dont have any friends to speak of, one or two people that I talk to on occasion. I enjoy being around my wife, even though we dont get along that well and would rather be with her than any one I know. She is truely my heart and really my best friend.

We have been together 12 years, married for 9, We are in our 50s but have known each other for probably 30 years. She was around when my PTSD started and she kind of knows what I have been through, which makes it a bit more simple to understand. She has loved me when I was'ent so loveable and has put up with alot over the years. I cannot even to begin to repay her kindness even though sometimes she is really hard to deal with. She has her own problems to deal with plus the normal everyday crap.

My life is hard but I am so very lucky to be where I am, I should have been dead several times over. I have had to come to understand that I do infact have alot to offer others. And if because for one reason or another people dont want to be friends with me then thats ok too. I live by a simple rule ( Other peoples opinion of me is frankly none of my business ) At the risk of sounding rude, I have been, done, seen, and forgotten more than most people will ever learn, not because I was or am special, but because thats just my life to date. Others opinions of me do not affect how I feel about myself in any form when it comes down to the truth.

Would I want to be accepted sure, it's natural, does it matter how I appear sure it does, do I want to be respected and liked by my peers, yes, however these things dont and should not define me as a person, it' my choice not theirs. I hold the power of who I am and what I know in my heart to be true about me as a person.

Have a great day Legend

 

[Changing4Best]

To look at me, or to see me in a social setting one would never guess that I feel really out of place. I have no outward problems interacting with people, however it is very hard for me on the inside.

LEGEND: Yes, I often am that way too.

WOW! All that was deep, thanks for sharing. Congrats on being married 9 years, and yes, marriage is a give and take, an always LOVE, but sometimes not LIKE of one's mate. That's what it was for me anyway.

I'm glad you made it through all you have to be here today and speak your mind. I surely can relate. When you say, "My life is hard but I am so very lucky to be where I am, I should have been dead several times over" I must say that I feel I can easily say those same words. I've been threatened with death, beaten, hurt emotionally over and over, and still came out the other end in one piece. My heart is broken though, as is my spirit today. I feel very down, and though I do have reasons for feeling that way, like an upcoming dentist visit a few days from now, really, the deep hurt I'm feeling has nothing to do with that! And what it does have to do with, I have NO CLUE. SO I write... and I listen to others who also are outsiders. And at least I do not feel so all alone. So thanks for joining me here. Somehow you've helped.

 

[Changing4Best]

There is this one women at church that makes me feel so out of place, she's so "proper" and uppity, you know. She makes a point of always saying hello to me and asking me how I am doing, but her tone of voice and the WAY she asks indicates to me that she feels I am far benieth her in every way, like she's doing me some kind of HUGE favor in saying hello, etc..

The other thing is that she makes a point of sitting between me and the only widower in the church (I am a widow), a nice quiet fellow. So he and I are always craning our necks around this woman and her girlfriends, so that we can chat for a second. Her being in the way is some kind of intentional barrier, I think. She does not approve of us talking to one another, as if she thinks I am unworthy of his company or something. She's very bossy, I've been told and she is annoying me to no end with her intrusions between myself and this nice man.

I'd love to spit in her face! ...just to see her reaction! (And I have NEVER spit at anyone!!!)