Sexual Assault Am I A Coward?

[well bell]

He was a very well beloved family member. And I mean very well loved. No one ever had anything to say about him that was not glowing and full of affection.

Except me. Because I remember what he did to me, and that memory has burned me for years. I tried to push down the hate for a long time. So long that he is now dead, but the hate remains. It is oh so powerful. I feel sick whenever I hear his name spoken, and always spoken so lovingly. I want to throw up when I see his picture. But of course, I have always kept silent.

Somehow I think I could let the abuse disapear along with him, except for the constant reminder of his sainthood status among those I love. I hate him so much I'm actually angry at him for being dead. His journey is over, but his crime continues to plague me, and to add literal insult to literal injury, even in the grave he seems to mock me with his honorable status.

That's the real sticker. I carry the secret to protect people I love, it would tear them up so bad, and yes, they may choose to refuse belief, or cast stigma. But the truth is, ignorance is bliss, and there is the evil disgusting man who is dead, and me. And everyone else is in content with their memories and reality.

To disturb that and out everything will be a risk. Will they believe me? Will they find a way to cast blame on me? Will they value him above me and choose to bury this???

Him being deceased has only increased my anger. And yet, I am dissatisfied with myself. No one stood up for the little girl that I was. Full of light and smiles. Is it up to me now to stand up for that little girl now? Even if no one stands with me.

 

[Rumors]

That is really tricky! I think it is all about personal choice and NO you are NOT A COWARD! You obviously understand your risk in telling is that important relationships could become strained. My story is similar, my abuser is dead. I chose NOT to say anything only bc I am coming to grips with it all with the help of a T, and I personally don't need to. My beef was with him and there is no joy or closure, for me, to bring his family into this. My closure comes from a different path. This is not to say it is the right path for you! You have to decide that for yourself! I made my decision after long conversations with my T and careful thought as to my needs and what would give me closure. For me, I simply didn't need or want the drama that went along with telling AND it simply wasn't important to me for them to acknowledge HE did this, especially now that he is dead. His mom is a good lady and can barely move herself beyond his death. This would kill her! I also take solace that there IS a higher power and he had to answer to Him! However, I urge you to weigh each scenario as best you can, talk to someone safe about your options, and make a decision based on what is best for YOU! Best wishes!!!

 

[well bell]

Thank you for understanding, Rumors! It really is tough for me to weight the scenarios based on what is best for me. It's easier to go on worrying about everyone else and perpetuating my own insignificance. That is what is easiest, but I'm finding the courage to really be honest with myself about everything. I have been writing practice letters to those involved, as well as the man himself. Those have been helping. I have also started a letter to that little girl. I'm older now and wiser, I can understand who is really to blame for the abuse, and who simply had a part in neglect and oversight. I did not understand that as a toddler. I only understood what I felt, which was shame, confusion, betrayal and disgust.

 

[Rumors]

Totally understand!

My only advice is this, and it is really only food for thought, take your time in making those decisions. Your abuse happened as a toddler, correct? Find yourself in all of this and where you fit into the big picture. When you start finding answers about yourself, I have found you rely less on opinions of others bc you become secure in your own skin. Now, please don't think I have mastered that in my abuse, however I find this to be true in most relationship issues regardless of abuse. I find if I take my time and really look at the situation, I make better choices FOR MYSELF! I no longer get lost in expectations that others cannot fulfill.

Keep the faith! Best wishes! Sending much love and support for finding your peace!