Am I A Hopeless Case?

[Upis]

I have been really trying to get well but I keep going into these slumps where I feel hopeless and helpless states where I feel so frozen and stuck. I can't seem to do much for myself.

There are so many traumas to deal with and so much retraumatisation to deal with as well.

Part of me just wants to do myself in, and the SI is a constant feature of my life throughout quite a few days. But I don't feel that is a responsible way to go. So I make dates in the future to do myself in and just keep delaying. It would hurt too many people.

So I am left with me and you know I am not happy with me. I have really ballsed up my life in so many ways. I feel like a complete failure. I feel so much self hatred and self loathing that sticks to me like velcro.

Am I one of the ones that just won't get well? Is it that I don't want to get well. Why can't I seem to move out of my own way?

I find it really hard to concentrate and take things in. Some part of me can't tolerate being in the present. I can't seem to get it together to do things for myself. I am quite good at doing stuff for other people at times, but I have isolated this year and feel very apart from other people.

I feel like I don't really exist and that everyone else is off in some far off place which I can't seem to get to and the times I do I am just aware of so much self hatred, disgust, loathing and criticism of myself that I can barely stay in the present.

I am seeing a psychiatrist. I am taking medication. I do do quite a few things with my week despite not working. I really feel like there is no hope for me and sometimes I move out of this for awhile but then slip back in to it.

I have lived my entire life in avoidance mode without really realising that was what I was doing and now I realise that I feel immense shame. I feel so much shame.

It seems like all the trauma has come up again like it did when I was a teenager.

Does anyone else feel like this? That others are healing but somehow that you are incapable of healing or changing.

I keep going in the same anxiety/panic attack spirals, go in to SI, then talk myself down and then go through the whole thing again.

I can't get it together to eat, or have a job, clean my house or do the really basic things in life. My house is not as bad as one of those hoarders house on television but it is close. I don't have anyone over as I am so ashamed. But cleaning even a little bit seems to knock me out. It is like not having a home is a way of keeping myself safe though that is totally irrational.

I have a lot of irrational thinking in my head and yet I seem to feel the feelings that go along with that even when I argue against myself.

I really feel like I need a hand but maybe the only help I can get and need is from myself but I am unable or unwilling to do that for myself. I am like so stuck.

I have been clinically depressed a lot of this year and as well all know that is not fun at all.

I feel like I am at the beginning of it all but I don't feel like I have the strength to do any of the things that I need to be doing for myself.

I have been wanting to post this for awhile. I have been wanting to reach out and say is it just me or do other people feel like this.

I feel so damaged and lost.

Having isolated so much these last couple of years I feel disconnected and so very alone from other people but it is probably my own fault that I am in this situation.

I find it hard to be honest with myself. How do I manage these feelings and also do what I need to do?

 

[Alelet]

I'm sorry for how you're feeling but I'm glad you posted and reached out.

I've felt like this. I relate to the depression and feeling unable to get anything done. My house first got messy but still clean enough, then it got dirty and unhygienic. Hard to admit how bad it got. I couldn't understand how I could get to the end of another day at home and been unable to wash the dishes even.

I've felt very damaged and lost too. Like I'd never be able to put the pieces of myself together into someone I could bear to be. I messed up my life badly. I've found it hard to forgive myself and hard to forgive life for being the way it is.

It's a horrible place to be and it made me feel hopeless. I felt ruined, too damaged to be able to get better. It has got better though, slowly and with a lot of work and patience with myself. One thing that helped me a lot through that stage was Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). My therapist didn't do this but I went through a workbook on my own and talked about some of it with her. I needed practical approaches to get on my feet again and DBT gave me that.

I know it's a cliche but I have to take it one step at a time. Often it's been not even one day at a time but one hour at a time. Otherwise it's too much - too much trauma, too much damage, too many practical problems. I still struggle with unhealthy coping methods that are harming me, it's very hard to stop when that's all I've known for a long time and when things don't really seem real anyway. All I can do is keep working on it. The little steps do add up eventually.

If OK to ask, how are your sessions with the psychiatrist? Do you have a good relationship, are they helping you, are you able to talk with them about the things you've talked about here?

I'm also wondering what you mean by retraumatisation. Are you talking about the traumas with the psychiatrist?

I'm sorry things are such a struggle. I remember when I used to sit week after week telling my therapist I could never get better, that everything seemed to be always getting worse instead, she reminded me that this is Pandora's box. Everything let loose, everything out of the box now, but at the bottom of the box, hope.

 

[Opeh]

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it.

I had a psychologist that physically abused me, got in a relationship with me and did some other bad things to me. This happened with a couple of psychologists and it really set me back.

 

[Ketid]

Upis- I can really relate to your post, it's so similar to how I have felt in thinking that healing is possible for other people, not yourself. The shame, the difficulty concentrating, the isolation, not being able to get anything done and the constant SI, just everything.

Part of what helped me was joining a support group for other people that have had trauma. It was such a relief to be face to face with others who had so much trauma, PTSD, couldn't cope and felt shame and pain for so much of their lives. Seeing these other people face to face gave me hope that I could change, I didn't feel as alone. Before I joined a support group, I read a lot and posted to online trauma groups which gave me some hope that I could be helped. I hope it's possible for you to join a support group of some sort, if it isn't, please remember that you aren't alone. Many on this forum have been exactly where you have been and wish you the best.

I liked the previous posters questions about whether you have a good therapist and you are able to talk about the things you mentioned here. I can understand how trust could be a challenge considering the abuse you have suffered before at the hands of a therapist.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for what you can and can't do right now. You are doing the best you can and if you could do better, you would. I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for posting here because it is reaching out and asking for help. During some of my lowest times, posting here and asking for help has given me a boost, something to hope for and some camaraderie so I didn't feel so alone.

 

[Itetoj]

I really appreciate the reply Ketid.

I read what you say and it gives me hope that I am not alone. I need that right now.

I will look around for a trauma group. That is a good idea. Thank you.

 

[Vame]

Upis,

Yes I feel like you do a lot. I struggle with all sorts of stuff from, mental, getting angry at myself. Daily simple chores are no longer simple. Nothing is simple anymore. Somedays I'm plowing through, doing good just taking care of the kids.

I would have responded to more, I am sorry, just can't get myself in gear.

Got on the forum hoping to find something, helpful, encouraging... whatever to help keep myself afloat

 

[Cigiki]

I appreciate the reply. I really do.

 

[Rusifim]

I read your post a few days ago. I can relate to everything you said and in a way it made me not feel so alone. It can be weird to deal with all the secondary stuff from this like you said just feeling like you've balsed up our life. I hate to read that other people are self-loathing and embarrassed and all that too. On the one hand I'm just glad if I'm ever feeling better for a second on the other hand it seems surreal sometimes the position I'm in. But I really try not to let any of that bother me because I know a lot of the stuff.. feeling embarrassed and etc.. it doesn't matter in the long run. What matters is how you feel and your state of being.

I also relate to your recurrent cycles. I can think I made progress and then an episode strikes and I am on my hands and knees drooling and wanting so badly to die. Sometimes I really wonder what will happen to me in the end.

Anyway I relate to much of what you said. I think other people might be out there feeling the same thing and what would you want to say to them? Do they seem hopeless to you? Because I bet since you can relate you can feel a lot of compassion for them.

 

[Codi]

I do feel compassion for other people. I really do. Thanks for you post.

 

[Ifisiw]

I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. You are not alone! It wasn't until very recently that I figured out that I cannot get well until I feel as though I deserve to be well. From what you said, it seems to me that you want to get well, but you don't feel like you deserve to be. The only thing that I can come up with to tell you is that everyone deserves to be well, and I hope that you can find something that makes you feel as though you deserve wellness. You are not hopeless, and you are not alone.

 

[Eselig]

It is a problem this not feeling like I am worthy of anything.

The suicidal ideation has been pretty bad today and I feel so ashamed for being in this mind state. I really want this to stop.

I want to get on with my life.

 

[Imat]

Thanks for your reply Ifisiw.