Am i a rude daughter?

[Deleted member 38906]

Someone who has a history of trauma, and a very difficult relationship with their mum.

It is a...

I totally agree... Communication is the most important ingredient in any relationship. I just don't know why it feels so distasteful to have a a conversation with her. I go over the things I want to say to her but when I try to open my mouth and speak to her, I feel choked and words just don't come out. I may be too scared to express my needs.

 

[Sideways]

I may be too scared to express my needs.

Personally it's a bit of a mission for me to even establish what my needs are let alone communicate them! Do you have a T you can work this through with? They may be able to help seperate needs from emotions.

Our relationships with our mum is a complex beast!

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Personally it's a bit of a mission for me to even establish what my needs are let alone communic...

Yes I have a nice T who I just started seeing. I've told him a bit about my relationship with my mom and the difficulties. Hopefully he'll be able to give me some tips but honestly I feel like I need more than communication tips.
Imagine living in a 'prison' all your life, not being able to express difficult feelings like anger, being hurt in big and small ways with no repair what so ever. Now that I am adult I feel like I've kept my feelings to myself my whole life... From when my mom told me I caused her to get divorced, when she would beat me up, dig her teeth in my body, shove my face in a bucket of vomit etc the list goes on. I have so many bottled up feelings from all those hurts that I feel like I'm holding a huge dam in place. I feel like if I were to talk to her about my need for more privacy it would lead to us talking about the reason why and the dam would break and I'd get flooded with so much unbearable emotion and I'd die. I haven't expressed myself to my mom for sooo long that it scares me to death.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

It might be best to think about finding another place to live. If she is in your apartment then i...

My dream is to move out and create my own family. I tried a few years ago and failed. I got so depressed that I wasn't eating or bathing regularly and needed to move back home. I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about this with anyone including my T. I manage to go to work but when I come home the depression hits and I just don't feel like taking care of myself. I become lazy and indifferent to all my surroundings and so I ask my mom to do my basic chores. I'm really grateful for it but I really want to get emotionally strong so I can take care of myself. I'm ashamed of the way I live right now but at least I'm seeking therapy to be able to get strong.

 

[Sideways]

This is going to be tough. Maybe have moving out and gaining your independence and freedom from her as a medium-term goal. It's definitely doable, but preferably you want to have some support in place, because even without the issue of your mum, moving home is a huge stressor.

Sounds like ultimately, moving is going to be part of your recovery. And in that respect, it's something you could look forward to.