Am I Allowed To Ask For This?

[jimmy-joe]

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm missing in life. I've always been a half-loner, aside from the controlling of my dad, and in those few times I've gotten attached, it's been, strong, if not deep(afraid to show them how messed up I am).

But upon study and some outside advice, love is what I'm missing. The problem is, I can't get past the guilt of what I keep inside. I'd never intentionally hurt them(I've used my suicide to test whether they care or not, I didn't realize that it would hurt them, I still don't entirely understand it, but I know now that I shouldn't do that because it does hurt.)

I don't want my SO to have to deal with my more intense problems, they are mine to fix, I don't mind help, but I also don't understand what is allowed. I've never been in a serious relationship, just one girl whom we both had little clue of how to treat each other, which ended painfully.

I feel if I ask for anything outside of less than what I've already given, I'm overstepping my bounds.

So now, here's the list:

• Going on walks/to parks/hanging out/movies/etc
• Them knowing that unless I specifically say something, I have no boundaries(aka when they are ok with it, bein touchy-feely, there's something calming when I get touched by someone I trust, but I can't always remember what I'm allowed to do so I try my best to err on the side of caution)
• Will tell me directly if I'm doing something wrong, and what they think I should be doing different, and willing to discuss it(unless of course I'm like WAY out of line lol)
• Is willing to initiate intimacy(aka taking the lead till I have learned her boundaries)... I'm pretty much always willing(even eager, I am a male...), but I have no flippin clue how to read women

• Will talk/hang out with me even when I'm sick(aka where I am now, stagnant because I can't figure out which way to go). This doesn't mean pay for me(if she does, I HAVE to repay more than I was given), this doesn't mean live with me(lol I can barely stand my filth), but just be willing to hang out with me while I fix myself.
• Understand that sometimes I don't remember if I'm allowed to be around, and will run away because I'm scared of messing up, so she lassos and secures me instead of making the mistake of thinking I need space... If I want space(which is almost never, but I realize others will want space so I respect that, just let me know), I'll say so. Otherwise, if I'm leaving, it's because I'm scared that I'm not supposed to be there.
• Likes to ramble/listen to rambles, and realizes that when I ramble about depressing shit, with the exception of when I'd do it to test how they feel about me(which I realize now is bad and am stopping), I'm just releasing pent up emotion, and once it finishes, I'll calm down, so LOL don't worry!

So all in all, is that ok to ask of someone?

P.S. on the intimacy note, I also don't need it, well if we ever got married lol yes, but until then, whatever she wants.

P.P.S. I am a little co-dependent, but, it's not like I read/hear about most co-dependency. I guess I could say I'm an independently co-dependent person. If I don't have someone to share life with, I share it with myself lol, so I'm super into discussing all the various boundaries and needs and trading electrons(I like the image of a loving relationship being like a covalent bond), etc. It makes it much easier in my mind to work with each other.

 

[maddog]

Hi Jimmy-Joe.

Your post really touched me, somehow it really spelt out so many of the reall horrible complexities of dealing with relationships when you have no healthy templates or foundations for how they're supposed to work. I doubt I'd have had the courage to write out so clearly and bluntly all of the questions I often worry/wonder about myself, so thanks for going there, and for asking questions that definitely aren't silly.

Not that I'm any sort of expert on relationships, but for what it's worth I think that almost any ground rules and boundaries are ok in a relationship as long as both parties are aware of and agree to them. There's no set rules or code of conduct for this, it's all about the individuals involved and negotiating something you can both be comfortable and confident with. If these guidelines feel safe and meaningful to you, and your SO is ok with them, then I think they're fine. Maybe she'll have some of her own to add to the mix which you'll need to discuss and negotiate, but again, as long as you're ok with them, then I think it's ok.

Relationships are such a complex minefield that I think we sometimes have to remember to make the rules as simple as we can, and one of the best and simplest is that as long as both parties agree, it's mostly ok.

Really wishing you the best with this relationship, it says a lot about you, your insights and attempts at learning and healing, that you're thinking about this so carefully and considerately.

Maddog

 

[Innordinate]

Looks reasonable to me.

Mostly - looks like how my wife is. Until I read this I didn't realize, but that's pretty much what I ask of her. Or did before..when life was good.

Yeh dude, looks good. I hope you find that. Don't throw it away when you have.

good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have no idea but want to wish you luck!

I'm currently single and plan on staying so for awhile. I don't think anyone could handle me!

 

[jimmy-joe]

:p you'd be surprised, there are some pretty tough and understanding individuals out there

 

[Spiderallis]

It all sounds quite reasonable to request of a partner, and very well explained. It's awesome that you can express it so clearly, that's beautiful. You've put a lot of thought into what you want and need. Most people (ptsd or not) aren't nearly so aware of who they are and what they seek in a relationship. It looks like you're ready to have a healthy, enjoyable experience with that just-right someone, I hope you find each other and have lots of fun together.