Am I Being Sensitive

[Fun_and_games]

Hi all,

I have had a few days of realising quite how bad my symptoms and past actually are and were. I feel like I'm finally seeing the reality of the situations that I am and have been in. I was sexually abused as a child, left in the care of an alcoholic a lot of the time. My mother would often rage and was unable to express any emotion but anger. My dad it turns out had suspicions that the man who abused me was a peodophille but still left me and my brother with him.

My question is this, my partner just told me that she thought my family home was a safe environment because I was fed, clothed and warm. Am I over reacting my being furious at this statment and feeling increadibaly minimised?

 

[intheprocess]

I don't feel like you are exaggerating at all. I, too, would feel incensed. My abuser was viewed as being so gentle with people. We were housed, fed and clothed but there were secrets that nobody but the victims knew and who were terrified. Abusers usually appear to be normal. People have been so surprised that households held such secrets and who the abusers were. You are not wrong and I am sorry you are being minimised.

 

[Friday]

Overreacting? I don't think so.

Just because things can always be worse, doesn't mean they aren't f*cking bad, as is.

There's also a lot of misunderstanding out & about in the world; That abuse always looks all Oliver Twist. It doesn't, and isn't. Most abusers are perfectly "normal" looking/acting most of the time.

Had a CPS (child protective services) worker blow up at me fairly recently, because she just removed a child from a home that was waaaaaaay better than my son's home with his dad. Still abusive enough to warrant child removal? Absolutely. But they were poor, and minorities, and fit the stereotype. They "looked" abused. My ex is wealthy, white, & educated. They live in a "nice" home, have disposable income, etc.... And the list of things that have been done to my son in that home not only warrant removal, but are apparently 10x worse than these other kids. But my ex's attorneys, and people prejudices, means my son ends up in the hospital on life support & sent back to his abuser time and again, while these other kids get placed with their mom & victims services & & & &. Sigh. You know it's bad when the CPS workers are venting on the people they're trying to help, because they can't help them.

Point being? People see what they expect to see.

There's also the thing where, if someone is abused? And they see someone else NOT going through that particular abuse? They don't see anything else. So if their abuse was neglect? Then they don't see kids who aren't neglected (fed, clothed, warm, housed) as being abused. They have to be hit upside the head with RAPE = abuse. BEATINGS = abuse. ETC = all are abuses. It's not just this one thing here, but this whole f*cked up spectrum. Sometimes the connect just cannot/does not happen. If it's not combat? It's not PTSD. If it's not rape? Then wtf is your problem? If it's not childhood? Then clearly, STFU you're fine. Shrug.

Pain blinds as easily as love.

 

[anonymous]

, my partner just told me that she thought my family home was a safe environment because I was fed, clothed and warm.

Can you clarify, did she mean she had thought (before) that it appeared to be a safe environment, because it looked that way from the outside maybe, or that she still considers it now to have been a safe environment, even though you've now shared with her what it was really like for you?

 

[nothere]

Some people live in a bubble of ignorance that protects themselves from the realities of the world. It sounds like she just doesn't get it. It's frustrating and annoying, but that's where she is right now. It's hard for some people to picture just how bad things can be, and they often don't want to when it comes to someone they care about. You have every right to be angry; if you can, explain that to her. Educate her, so she can be there for you and, hopefully, learn from her mistakes. In that process, hopefully you two can be patient with each other.

 

[Ronin]

You're not over reacting at all.

Just because some of your needs were met, doesn't mean other (and the same or more vital) needs were. On top of that you had to deal with being abused in ways people perhaps don't commonly associate as 'abuse', which on itself is hard to sort.

 

[Cavegirl]

You are not overreacting. Id be so offended and angry at that comment.

I read a quote somewhere about... man, I tried to look it up and can't find it. Basically

Telling someone they can't be sad because others had it worse than them is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better than them.

 

[Fun_and_games]

Thank you all for your replies,

@Annonimous to clarify she knows all of my history and still thinks it was a 'safe' environment. She does work with animals though and their legal definition of safe is very different to humans.

I have realised now after stepping away from the situation, that earlier in the day she had been wound up by her mum ( who is a major manipulator and gas lighter). I think now that she was doing exactly the same thing to me last night.
I'm uncertain now whether to point this out to her or just try to be aware if it happens in the future and take responsibility for my own reaction to it.

@FridayJones I completely agree with all that you said. Your situation sounds so infuriating, I'm sorry that you and your son are going through it. I think it helps people sleep at night if there are clear good guys and bad.