Relationship Am i being used or is this the ptsd talking?

[Someonelikeme]

In my last post I mentioned that the last time we went to marriage counseling together almost 3 weeks ago( the marriage counselor told us the next two times since then to come separately)I asked my wife why I have not been driving her to any of her appointments and she said she does not feel safe with me. when I dropped my wife off at her parents (we have not lived together for 18 months)she said do not call or text me. For 8 days I did not contact her. On the 8th day I got a text my grandmother was in the hospital........ I though she needs to know so I texted her. She text me a few times asking about updates and called me once. Other then that I have not gone out of my way to contact her and she has done the same. On the 8th day she also texted me if I could drive her to her Social Worker appointment and I said yes. 4 days later she texts me can I drive her to her marriage counseling appointment and I said yes. The last month or so her parents have been driving her to appointments. Other then that I have not seen or spoke to my wife.
When she was in the marriage counseling appointment we agreed that I was going to buy Pizza. She did not like the pizza so when go to her parents I asked if she though her mother wanted the pizza? She gave me like a quick sarcastic nope she does not want it. When my wife was inside I texted her mother and she actually wanted the pizza. Also last Wednesday on the way home from her appointment she asked me to drop her off at a resturant were her family was having dinner, but never asked if I wanted to come to dinner. Also every time I bring up about if she ever realy plans to move back in she quickly changes the subject. I have seen things over the last 3 1/2 months that made me believe the marriage is over, but every time something happened were I though I was just being paranoid.
I think she is scared to ask for a divorce because she is afraid how her body will reacted. Also I think she likes being on my health insurance, prescription plan etc. plus she likes my flex spending account and having a joint account.

 

[LuckiLee]

Separated 18 months? And you haven't come to any conclusions? What are you getting out of this relationship? What do YOU want to happen?

You're also in this marriage. You're able to make choices too.

I would think after counseling and separation you should be growing together. But it sounds like you're drifting further apart. You have some decisions to make. I tend to follow my gut instincts. If you feel you're being used. You probably are.

Good luck!

 

[Someonelikeme]

Before September I realy though we were very close to moving back in. In mid September is when I started to see and hear clues it was over,but every time after I saw a clue she would do the opposite so I thought I was just imagining it. Then in early October she went to 5 week out patient therapy and afterwards the clue started to be realy in my face. I think her Mother and our Sister in law are changing what she realy wants to do and telling her things.

 

[shimmerz]

OMG. I can't even imagine how this has been for you. I am so sorry. I also can't believe that the marriage counselor hasn't said something about this. It isn't right. Maybe you need to find yourself an independent counselor. This is all just wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, she is using you.

Beyond automatic reactions like flashbacks and getting startled, we have control over our actions.

In other words, 99% of the time it’s not “the ptsd talking”.

 

[Someonelikeme]

my wife contacted my Thursday night. She said I have been doing really bad the last week and a half and I'm just starting to do better. It's amazing I can actually make it through work every day. In a marriage it take two people and I don't know if this marriage is for me. I told her I'm learning so much about PTSD online and she told me it's not just the PTSD, it's the Depression and Anxiety too. I told her I understand, but I'm learning one thing at a time. I asked if she wanted to go back to marriage counseling and she said she did not know. I told her I lover her and she told me she loves me sooo much. I just listened most the time. I know it's what she wanted and needed. The other half of the conversation was just nonsense talk.

Next week I plan to have some close friends of our meet with my wife and I. I think having them there will make my wife more likely to meet with me and make it easier for my wife. I will write a nice letter and at the end ask her to come back. If she says no then I'll have another letter asking what I want from the divorce. I want this to be as simple and easy has possible.
I do not have any hard feeling towards my wife and I still love her very much and I think my wife does the same.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Anxiety and depression go hand in hand with PTSD. They are symptoms of PTSD, they aren’t separate. Personally, I think that you need to really take a long hard look at your marriage and then define what a marriage is. It certainly isn’t living apart, not being included and yet expected to be an open wallet. JMO!!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This is so wrong what your wife is doing and I think that you can proceed with the divorce knowing in your heart that in good faith you tried your hardest and the failing is hers.

I cannot imagine how difficult this has been on you to be used by her this pathetic way.

You are doing better and healing and trying to do move on forwards and she is holding in you stuck and in suspense and not knowing what she is going to do next.

My heart goes out to you because you really do love her so much and she is not returning the gift of true love back to you in my opinion only so just take what is helpful and useful to you and forget what is not helping you.

I believe when the words and the actions do not match up it leads to serious distortions of reality and that is just me talking for me. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do.

 

[Finchlet2]

You deserve better. I am a sufferer of cptsd and no frigging way would I ever use it as an excuse to treat someone like that. This is your life too