Am I Completely Hopeless?

[WendyA]

I feel like I am. I feel like whatever strength I may have had to cope with the initial incidents and whatever has kept me here so far, is fading fast. I've been here before or at least said these words, but this feels worse. I don't want to be hospitalized because they don't do anything for you at all and it just made me worse and almost more traumatized from that experience. I don't know what to do or where to go. I am completely alone and I don't trust anyone and anyone I talk to just has the attitude that I need to be grateful for other things that are NOT happening to me, like the fact that my kids are healthy etc. I AM grateful for that, but the amount of pain I am in and terror I experience every minute of the day and every other awful symptom of PTSD and losing my brain function as it slowly decays.

I haven't been on this forum for a long time because I just couldn't come here and I don't really know what to expect out of this post, but I am so desperate. So very desperate. I feel so lost and alone and just devastated inside. My heart is broken, but is shattering into even smaller pieces and I feel like I'm dying a very slow, but excruciating death.

Cutting helps for the moments I do it, but it doesn't last and it is not something I want to do. I won't turn to alcohol or drugs so those are out. I have my very best friend who loves me and I rely on him so much, but he is going through some major things in his life and it bothers me so much that I can't be there for him, or I make mistakes and say the wrong thing, or I'm so selfish right now due to all this that I need him and want him to still be here for me. I felt like I was getting somewhere with him and now I feel like I've lost that and any progress I could hope for. These may all be irrational feelings, but I don't know how to tell the difference and I don't know how to NOT feel this awful.

I'm screaming inside and I'm so alone. I have no family and no friends, but him. I have children, but they are not here to support me. I do the best I can and try to be there for them. Mother's Day was awful for so many reasons. Please someone, please help. I don't even know what that means, but I had to ask.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hate that horrible feeling. I just went through a very low week of feeling very similar to what you have described. I am not doing that well at the moment, but I am doing better than last week. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that it is hard. I never could have imagined what it is like to live like this and I can imagine a lot. Some days I feel like quitting, but eventually I find some glimmer of hope and cling to that. I hate when people tell me I should be grateful or "at least..." it is so not helpful because you can be grateful but also feel miserable. Try to find that glimmer of hope and know that you are not alone.

 

[austint]

People with out PTSD just don't get it, they can't. Like JEK said, you never can imagine what this is like and you can imagine a lot, sometimes I scream when I am alone that all this can't be real, that so my worst night mares could be happening day in and out and the pain inside is too much to actually exist.

As for what people tell you that don't have PTSD, just ignore it, listen to your T and your doctors of course, but it's your heart that has been broken, not theirs, your feelings are not invalid just because they can be placed in a listen of symptoms, because of all this, the only one who picks up the phone is my dad, and he only talks to me once a week for 15 minutes then he hangs up because he says I am like a broken record. I just cry into the phone please, please please, and he get's angry and says please what? What do you expect me to do fix this?

Obviously I don't, but I get the begging for the pain and the situation to ease for just a moment. You really aren't alone.

 

[NovemberStar]

:hug:… My heart goes out to you - the short answer of your question, 'are you hopeless' - no, not at all. Never give up on finding something that helps you heal. I am not with the camp that say 'PTSD can't be cured' - although that is technically right - there isn't a 'cure' for PTSD per se, there CAN be a life without PTSD. I do not believe once you have it you will always have it and always suffer to various extents. I fully believe FULL remission is possible.

It's normal to feel hopeless - completely hopeless sometimes. That is part of having PTSD - I find it helps to remind myself 'feelings are not facts' - while it might FEEL impossible or hopeless, that does NOT make it a fact.

You sound as though you are really really struggling at the moment - do you have a therapist? A reliable Dr treating you? You're right in that hospitalization doesn't 'change3' anything - all it does do is 'keep you safe' in times of being unsafe - if you are feeling unsafe / suicidal then I do urge you to seek out help in real time, and now. If you cannot keep yourself safe, then yes, hospitalization for a short period might be needed. But this is not to be confused with 'hospitalization will be a treatment in itself', if that makes sense? It is a short term answer to a long term problem, but it does have it's place. It might be you need or might benefit form a medication change (assuming you are on meds)?.

When I'm struggling I find I manage to cope when I can make a plan. Something as simple as:

1)) have a cup of tea / coffee,

2) Phone and make an appointment to see my (psych) Dr,

3) Email my T my thoughts and feelings

4) Post on here for support, and in the past, I have been known to post every 15 minutes (on another online forum I belong to) for accountability and to keep myself distracted through really bad patches. I'd post that 'for the next 10 mins I will do xxxx (rinse the dishes, fold the washing etc)'. I'd come back and post again 'for the next x mins I will do xxx'. And so on. Doing that helped me feel less alone, and kept me distracted until the worst of the hopeless feelings eased

Because the worst of the feelings WILL ease (yes, they might very well come back but they will NOT 'last forever' - its' impossible for them too!)

The feelings you describe are very common amongst those of us who have experienced abandonment as a child - am I right in thinking this might have happened to you too? Friendships can be very painful as a result, because we are desperate for 'help' and ache so badly 'to be held' or 'rescued', yet there is a lot of shame around having these feelings usually as well, so we don't express them in a direct way to anyone.

I do not know the situation with your friend, but you are right in that as you say, he probably does had this own stuff going on - sadly, there is only so much friends can do to helps us - they can 'be there to listen' but they cannot treat us, or fix us. MAYBE if your friend knows how hard things are for you right ow, and knows you are cutting, then it is probably way out of his depth to cope with. That is not saying it is your fault, it is simply how it is. Often professionals struggle to know who to best hep us, so it' not surprising that friends and family definitely do not know 'what to do' or say at times. Few friends and family are 'trained' in mental health and are much more easily prone to feeling out of their depth, and unable to manage or helps us in a way they'f like to be able to. That can leave our friends and family feeling pretty inadequate, and helpless - and often they react in anger at the situation. (Which we take personally, further fueling the cycle).

Hope that makes sense, and I hope you do reach out to your real time supports, i.e. therapist or Dr. And keep posting on here for support - even though we can't be online all the time or answer straight away, we are 'here' and do understand ;)

PS) my favourite self care things to do when I'm feeling really low are:

*** a hot shower, with nice shouter gel / body wash;

*** changing the sheets on my bed - is there anything nicer than climbing into bed at the end of a hard day, with clean, fresh sheets on the bed???!!!

*** hot cuppa (decaf coffee usually, cos regular coffee with caffeine can make anxiety worse)

*** cuddle my fur babies

*** curl up on the couch with a soft blanket and watch crappy tv (and / or stay in my favourite PJs all day)

*** painting - splashing paint onto canvas. I have ZERO artistic skills, that is not the point - the point is to just play with color, and I find painting just random swirls in different colours particularly soothing

 

[WendyA]

It doesn't help that I am homelesss right now and living in my car and just that I've lost everything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you right now. I can so relate and identify with what you are going through.

NovemberStar said so many things so clearly.

I have wasted so many years of my life in feeling shame, false guilt, blame, self hatred and survivors guilt.

Unless someone has walked in your shoes and live as you do, they will not understand and may inadvertently hurt you.

I was so desperate for someone to understand me and I was surrounded by very unhealthy people who I had to cut out of my life.

I woke up so many countless mornings not wanting to face the day. I spent years in misery and defeat.

I started therapy in 1985 and am still seeing a psychiatrist for medications that stabilized me. I hope to be able to work off of the medications when I am ready.

I believe we always have PTSD. But I am now finally healing and recovering and have real joy in my life.

I have my daughter and my two grandchildren and a few very select friends.

It was a hellish journey, but I come from an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family and have had many multiple traumas to boot. I did not get this way overnight and it took many years of having such strong overreactions to my symptoms.

I wasted so many years in misery. Alone with my family, having cut off contact from my family of origin which grieved me for ten years. They brought out the worst in me. They did not believe me. I was so naïve and gullible and trusting the wrong people. I was Spiritually Abused and betrayed and that was a branding experience for me.

You are not hopeless, you are in intense pain and grief. You are normal for what you are going through. Healing and recovery varies from person to person. Some heal faster than others. I have had good therapists and bad therapists.

I did not know how to think for myself so I quit therapy until I could learn to think about myself in healthier ways.

I too know how much and how deep the pain is and how long it goes on and on. I realize you too want to escape the pain, but the only way out is through it.

I want to leave you with some hope. I am having more and more good days and I am doing so much better now.

I still get triggered and tempted to wallow in it but I refuse to allow anyone toxic to have rent free space in my head.

As for your friend that you have, if he is going through some rough times right now, who knows he may be hitting rock bottom where the real changes occur. Your healing and recovery if you continue on the healing path will eventually pay big time.

I even feel real joy now, something I never did before and I am determined that no longer will I choose to allow anyone to steal my joy from me.

Healing and recovery is a long hard road with glimmers of hope and the good days that do not last, and that is so discouraging.

As for cutting, it is only a temporary solution that makes ugly scars. I need you to come to the place in your life when that will no longer be a option for you.

Like you, I was desperately needy and so vulnerable, trusted toxic people and was betrayed by them. I call that a branding experience. It has a aftermath that lasted for so many years.

There is a future for you and a real hope for you if you do not give up on yourself. You are so worth fighting for yourself.
I journaled a lot. I had trashbags full of my journals. I threw them all away. But they helped me to get it out and vent and sort out so many things.

This forum and the people here have gotten me through so many rough times. I like it so much and I wish I had this forum when I first started therapy.

I went into therapy with so many illusions and false beliefs about myself. They had to go and be replaced by the truth. I took EMDR and it changed my life, no longer do the bad memories haunt me. I have been able to release all of the bad done to me back onto my abusers.

I still get triggered and go into a downward spiral. I have to catch myself and replace the negative with the way I am feeling. Our feelings are our best friend because if we trust out gut instincts and listen to myself they guide me into a very good solution.

I have walked in your shoes and remember. I still have bad days, but now I have the tools to deal with them.

You are not alone here.

I think you were very brave to reach out for some validation and support.

Please fight for your healing and recovery. I have never met a person that was cured. We were so carved out by abuse etc.

There are so many people that can remember what you are currently going through.

I think you are very brave and courageous.

It will not always be this way. It takes as long as it takes and you have to learn how to fight for yourself.
If you do not give up you will make a profound difference in your childrens life. You will be breaking generational cycles of abuse and trauma and all of the trauma you have suffered and endured.

I too experienced the loneliness you are going through.

You are so worth fighting for. It is a journey and a quest for the truth, Just keep on the healing path for you.

If you Keep at it, I promise you that you have become a real person and will have the tools to help take care of you.

My healing and recovery speeded up since I first joined the forum two years ago.

I liked the suggestions NovemberStar offered.

You will come out clean on the other side.

I really hoped that my words helped to give some real hope.

Only you can work towards your healing and recovery. It comes from within you slowly.

As for being impatient, when I first started therapy, I actually believed that in three months of therapy, I would be on my merry way. The first illusion to go.

Hugs and prayers if that is ok. You can do iJust hang onto your hope and do not give up on your self.