stargirl948
New Here
Hey everyone reading this,
I've been struggling a lot recently with stuff I've never really talked about to anyone before. I'm 16 and have been diagnosed with CPTSD for reference. Ever since I was little, I haven't felt like there's one "me". I've felt more like there are different "versions" of myself that come out at different times. I've never been able to control it and sometimes I don't remember saying something or doing something that a version of myself did.
After a bunch of more traumatic stuff happened this year, it's been getting worse. I black out and lose control of myself and of time. Sometimes, it feels more like I'm watching a version of myself do something or like I have awareness that they have some control over what I do. I won't feel like myself for a bit but then it goes back to normal.
They do things I don't agree with. One version of myself can make me not remember things. When I was in the ER last month she took all my memories away and it took 2 weeks to get them back. I remembered nothing, like I had a clean slate. She tells people stuff is none of their business. She pushes people away without cause.
Another version of myself is overtly sexual. It feels like a performance. It's where she gets her worth. I'll come to and realize she's made an innapropriate social media account or sexted with some random person online.
The last version I can pinpoint is like me when I was younger. When she is acting up it's like dealing with an actual child. She holds the misbeliefs I've worked for years to undo. She still loves our abusers in a way that sometimes puts me at risk.
When not dealing will the "other selves" stuff, other times when stuff that reminds me of bad stuff happens nothing feels real, like everything's a dream. Voices fade around me, things blur into the background. It feels like going underwater. I know consciously that I'm not dreaming, that everything's real. But it doesn't feel like it. Almost everyday I don't feel real. I look down at my hands and feet, clenching my wrists tightly as I try to convince myself I'm real. It never works. I feel like a background character in someone else's story.
I really hope I'm not going crazy. Has anyone else experienced this and if so, what has helped you?
I've been struggling a lot recently with stuff I've never really talked about to anyone before. I'm 16 and have been diagnosed with CPTSD for reference. Ever since I was little, I haven't felt like there's one "me". I've felt more like there are different "versions" of myself that come out at different times. I've never been able to control it and sometimes I don't remember saying something or doing something that a version of myself did.
After a bunch of more traumatic stuff happened this year, it's been getting worse. I black out and lose control of myself and of time. Sometimes, it feels more like I'm watching a version of myself do something or like I have awareness that they have some control over what I do. I won't feel like myself for a bit but then it goes back to normal.
They do things I don't agree with. One version of myself can make me not remember things. When I was in the ER last month she took all my memories away and it took 2 weeks to get them back. I remembered nothing, like I had a clean slate. She tells people stuff is none of their business. She pushes people away without cause.
Another version of myself is overtly sexual. It feels like a performance. It's where she gets her worth. I'll come to and realize she's made an innapropriate social media account or sexted with some random person online.
The last version I can pinpoint is like me when I was younger. When she is acting up it's like dealing with an actual child. She holds the misbeliefs I've worked for years to undo. She still loves our abusers in a way that sometimes puts me at risk.
When not dealing will the "other selves" stuff, other times when stuff that reminds me of bad stuff happens nothing feels real, like everything's a dream. Voices fade around me, things blur into the background. It feels like going underwater. I know consciously that I'm not dreaming, that everything's real. But it doesn't feel like it. Almost everyday I don't feel real. I look down at my hands and feet, clenching my wrists tightly as I try to convince myself I'm real. It never works. I feel like a background character in someone else's story.
I really hope I'm not going crazy. Has anyone else experienced this and if so, what has helped you?
