am i in the right relationship?

[Rorster93]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we first got together, I was not on antidepressant medication. Shortly into our relationship, I was prescribed cetalopram. It caused me to gain 30+ pounds. I did not like this so I tried to lose weight. Nothing I did helped, so I tapered off my medication. I stopped abruptly after getting down to 5mg. Since my cessation, I have been a bit snappy with my boyfriend. I have found him to be highly critical of me and always complaining about what I say, what I do, how I dress. I simply do not think he likes me sometimes. Sometimes I think he is only with me because he has formed a bond with me and breaking up with me will cause heartache.

Well, one day I did not eat any lunch and got home very late. I wanted to eat in bed (because I have this weird thing about not being able to relax in living rooms or kitchens). He did not get any sleep last night and just wanted to go to bed. I asked if I could eat in bed, he said yes but only if I don't make us stay up too late. I did not feel like listening to his rushing me or complaining the entire time I eat, so I snapped at him and said "I guess I just won't eat." Shortly after going to bed, I told him I did not like that I snapped at him. He as previously said I speak to him in a hostile tone and I snap at him and he is not going to take that. So I felt like shit for snapping at him.

Well we move on. We have a funeral to go to. I am wearing black and am waiting for him to criticize my outfit. He looks at me for a moment and does not say anything. Okay. I am sort of following him around because I don't want to sit down since I lint rolled myself and we have pets. He turns around and asks me if I need anything because I'm following him. I said no. So, realizing we got ready too early, I go into the office to try to get some college school work done. He comes in there, stops me, puts his fingers in my ears, moves my head so I can't read the material. I already don't want to do this shit. I get this angry feeling like I'm about to snap at him. So I calmly tell him that I'm in a mood. He huffs and asks why I'm in a mood. I tell him because of my antidepressant withdrawal and that I don't want to say anything rude to him or snap at him so I am respectfully and kindly telling him that I don't want to be messed with at the moment. He says "that's all the time" and walks out of the office. Every ounce of my body had to be used not to blow up at him and start a huge f*cking fight. Every. Ounce.

So I am on here, ranting and wondering if I am in the right relationship because not even respectfully asking for space is good enough. I'm just a f*cking asshole who doesn't dress right, eat right, speak right, do anything right. I'm just here to idk f*cking suck cock and smile about it.

 

[Friday]

1. It’s a reeeeeeeeally good idea, in my experience, to call a “moratorium” on major decision making… during certain life events. Starting new meds, changing meds, & going off meds… is one of them. <<< That does NOT mean that your thoughts and feelings during those transitions aren’t real or valid or true. They absolutely are, in the moment, and MAY BE the exact same thoughts and feelings you’d have later. Or not. There’s really no way to know until? Later. It’s like drunk texting, or growling/whinging when you’re sick. Maybe it’s truth. Maybe it’s… oh, FFS, pleeeeeease tell me I didn’t just… nope. I did. Fawk.

I'm just here to idk f*cking suck cock and smile about it.

2. Worshiping at the alter of the cock? Gets waaaay less cred than it deserves. (March 14th is my 2nd favorite holiday. The. Instructions. Are. In. The. Name.) Are you also waaaaay more than your skills at fellatio? I would hope so. That you’re suspecting that’s ALL your partner of 4 years values you as? Dayum. You must either be a god at going down, or there’s more to both you & your relationship. I suspect both some from column A & some from column B.

So I am on here, ranting and wondering if I am in the right relationship because not even respectfully asking for space is good enough. I'm just a f*cking asshole who doesn't dress right, eat right, speak right, do anything right.

3. Maybe. Maybe not. The people we choose to partner with… is an INTENSELY PERSONAL question that no one else can really answer. Going on/off meds? Alters our own perception. Makes it difficult to trust our own decisions. (For good reason). In my own life? I’ve learned not to partner up with people when I’m not “me”. Because they fall in love with this temporary hardship version of me, who is not who I am normally, much less at my best. So me becoming myself, again, hurts them??? As I’m no longer the person they fell for. They want the me-they-knew-BACK. Regardless of what that was. <<< So I’ve learned to flip the script a bit. Instead of looking at why do they want me? I ask if I want THEM.

=

It’s complicated, and as much as it sucks with PTSD-brain to not be all cut & shining crystal clear? It’s okay that life, and people, and relationships get messy. It’s okay to wait, even when you want an answer now. The love of your life? Will irritate & infuriate the ever loving hell out of you, as will some prick you’re soooo well rid of.

 

[Rory]

I hadn't thought that antidepressant withdrawal could be compared to drunk texting. Because if I wasn't so snappy, we wouldn't have these issues. Or maybe we would. We went to the funeral and got along great! I asked him why we can't get along like this all the time and he reminded me of how I like to talk to people. :/

Okay, the advice is to wait until I am of sounder mind. But how do I deal with the feeling that my head and chest are going to explode if I don't breath fire on him when he's innocently bothering me? I tried respectfully telling him I'm in a mood but that still didn't work.

 

[Rory]

, So I’ve learned to flip the script a bit. Instead of looking at why do they want me? I ask if I want THEM.

=

It’s complicated, and as much as it sucks with PTSD-brain to not be all cut & shining crystal clear? It’s okay that life, and people, and relationships get messy. It’s okay to wait, even when you want an answer now. The love of your life? Will irritate & infuriate the ever loving hell out of you, as will some prick you’re soooo well rid of.

I do want him. I do love him and it would hurt to break up but sometimes I wish I was single because I get so easily irritated and it's easier to just have myself to deal with when I'm irritated. This sounds like withdrawal brain for sure. How to stop snapping at him and being a royal bitch towards him while withdrawing from my fat pills?

Reading that the love of my life will irritate and infuriate the ever living hell out of me made me tear up because God dam if it was anyone else I could so just say f*ck you and leave. Because I work a full time job, in school full-time and I've got 6 animals to care for which I really can't complain about because I'm the one that took them in. I could soooo be single and not have to worry about another person when I'm home. I already have watch my mouth at work and I work with some pretty stuck up bitches (like me) so when I come home my ability to filter my facial expressions and tone are already fatigued. But this all sounds like withdrawal brain and if I leave the man that I love I might it regret later.

 

[arfie]

i will second @Friday 's notion of calling a moratorium on major decision making until your meds, etc., have stabilized.

it would hurt to break up but sometimes I wish I was single because I get so easily irritated and it's easier to just have myself to deal with when I'm irritated.

i am not sure i would have celebrated my 45th anniversary without the hiatuses i have taken to live alone while i focused on my healing journey. it eased the difficulties my partner and i had communicating while i was trying to balance his presence and my own inner turmoil. it allowed us many, many deep explorations we couldn't have shared while eggshell waltzing. in our case, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

 

[Friday]

But how do I deal with the feeling that my head and chest are going to explode if I don't breath fire on him when he's innocently bothering me?

That’s the tell… right there.

When you want to lash out at ANYONE? Verbally, physically, whatever? Take your happy ass outta there & go blow off some steam. Stress Cup Style.

If that person actually deserves you breathing fire at them? They. Will. Still. Deserve. It. Later. Once you’re calm/cool/collected. So you can do it then. On purpose. With style. Rather than lashing out because it FEELS good/right/deserved in the heat of the moment. And if they don’t deserve to be incinerated? Problem Averted.Win/Win.

Fight/Flight tells every cell in our bodies we have to act NOW. But PTSD has this problem with treating normal life, like it’s life or death, so we get the NOW NOW NOW thing… where it doesn’t belong. That can be retrained… where we still get the adrenaline response when we need it (and can trust it); but in normal life where it isn’t needed? And the gold medal for Self Control goes to? Moi! C’est Moi! Again!

Personally? (In the beginning). I bought a pallet of restaurant glassware, and went and threw them at the back wall in my garage/shed until I’d cooled off…. Every time my temper was off like a prom dress, it took a grand total of about 8 seconds to march my happy ass back there, to throw glasses & read the riot act (to absolutely no one) the air practically crackling. But? In addition to sorting out the right here & now, over time it began to both make sure I cleared my back blast (didn’t aim or misdirect my temper) AND add an 8 second pause between the instinct to act! (Fight/Flight) and my actually acting. That’s all I needed 8 seconds of self control, before I’d let rip. And I really would, no holds barred, because I wasn’t hurting anyone. And the sounds of shattered glass, and physical/mental exertion, soothed shattered nerves. Later, I added in a whole helluva lotta more FUN ways to blow off stress (before, in advance; as well as after)… but in the beginning I “just” reeeeeeeeally needed to add that pause, so that I was acting, rather than reacting/lashing out.

 

[Torch]

but in the beginning I “just” reeeeeeeeally needed to add that pause, so that I was acting, rather than reacting/lashing out.

Going to second this.
Been working on the ability to do this for years. Have experienced many successes with the additional pause and many failures too. It's been an up and down process, even when the pause has been learned.
Learning that pause is pretty difficult to begin with. And given the reality that life can be expected to increase stressors and hurdles as life marches on, it makes resisting reacting/lashing out extra difficult in times when the 'PTSD cup' is full.

 

[Rorster93]

I didn't read these next comments until now because things were going well for a minute until all hell broke loose this morning. Needless to say, I feel like I'm being pulled in many different directions and everyone I'm supposed to please is pissed at me. I'm supposed to please my boss who thinks witnessing to me about Jesus and then treating me like the scum of the Earth is okay and I should just take it. Coworker who puts everyone down to make herself feel better gets no justice served to her. The skinny gods reigning judgement down on me for having a gut then my bf wanting me to not go to the gym because our dog can't be trusted to be home by himself. Well he doesn't have to worry if his tummy is flat but I do because the creator thought it would be funny to make me a girl with a gut. Then I have two cats and two rabbits that live in my shop that I don't spend enough time with. All I do is clean them feed them give them water, break the bank over them but they barely get any of my time because I have work, school, my bf's dog, my weight management.

I snapped this morning at my bf who DOES NOT deserve it and now I wish i could off myself but I'm too much of a chicken shit when it comes to the dark.

I would love to break things. I can print a picture of my boss's face and tape it to a bottle and f*cking shatter that bitch

 

[Rorster93]

I used to think I was PTSD cured but now I think my fat pills might have been masking my symptoms.

Life looks a little bleak knowing I'll have to live the rest of it with this mental illness.

 

[Rorster93]

My bf says I'm okay one minute and cross the next and he can never tell if I'm gonna snap. This is ruining my relationship. Maybe I should get back on some sad pills. But not the fat ones.

I have anxiety every minute of every day. Always calming down a panic attack. I get angry when I'm frightened. So when my bf jump scared me, all I could do was be silent and he took offense.

I want to marry this man but he's not gonna marry someone like me. I don't know how much more he's going to take.

I'm still trying to figure out how I can safely break stuff when I feel this way. Would my bf still take offense? If I had a designated smash area...maybe he would have a better understanding.

 

[EveHarrington]

It makes me sad that he is critical of your clothing. His ass deserves to be snapped at when he does this crap. This criticism wears you down over time, it chips away at your self worth. You deserve better than that.

 

[Rorster93]

A "rage cage" is something unattainable for me. I'm not a violent person. My anger makes me yell, not throw hands. My focus will instead be on the "pause". After re-reading these responses, I think that should be my goal. Tonight, I'm trying not to beat myself up over my recent failures. Others have noticed this change in me.

I feel like I have no control over myself or what happens to me and that irritates the f*ck out of me.

Angry all the time, I'm a hot head. Sooner or later it's gonna bring undesirable consequences. I need to get my shit together. I need to slow down but I can't because the hits are coming in too fast. I can't recover. Just one after the other.

I'm banking on my want to be a nicer person will override my want to lash out. Hopefully. Questioning whether I'm still in withdrawal syndrome or if my natural self is just an asshole. I'm thinking and hoping I'm still withdrawing because then I have hope for the future. I do still feel that weird sensation in my head that I've felt since stopping the medication. It feels like a whooshing lag like my brain has to buffer for a second.