Am I Just A Doormat To People ????

[J_trustno1]

I don't know if this thread is in the right place or not.

Anyway here it goes.

So this new white guy started work 2 days ago. This new guy who's done masters in geology has joined. He asked about my project and told him about it. Then he was talking about his project. Later in the day he asked why are you on this floor, you should go to level 2 to do water stuff or environmental engineering since your thesis was more related to those areas. I said that I have recently started and I don't want to run away! He said you are specialized in chemistry and should do something relating to that. I again told him that I could not find a job. He said you should've thrown more cvs. I said i did over 250 cvs but couldn't get anywhere. He said that his friend who also did geology got a job in a lab as a technicia and you are probably more qualified in chemistry than him. He then said, have you shown your cv to professionals? I said , "Yes".

Today after 2 days again he started making fun of my masters project and how the Auckland council wasted their money on my project. Then he further makes fun of me using shells as an adsorbent for removing heavy metals. By that time it was starting to hurt me because this was the project i had spent more than a year and no night sleep and this ignorant asshole is making fun of it!!!!

I was pissed but by then i asked him why he wasted his time studying rocks which have no usability and no application unlike my project. He laughed it off saying that you seemed interested in my project.

Next up he was was going too close to the computer screen and I told him that you are probably wearing wrong sized glasses. He said that they were from the $2 shop. I said wow. I asked what is his glasses number he said +1. I said okay. Then he said there is no glasses number in negatives , i said yes. This Asian girl sitting next to him said "yes, old people wear it". I said , "excuse me, i have a negative number and I'm not old". He asked why i wear negative number, i said because I have astagimatism. He asked what is that?

I was surprised by his ignorance. Then i said, people normally have spherical eyes. Before I completed my sentence that idiot said, "so you have flat eyes?" And was laughing at me. I said, leave it there is no point in wasting my knowledge with you.

He is normal and good with others but when it comes to me he finds great ways to belittle me exactly like my mum's brother's son (i.e my cousin ) who has an IQ probably of less than a donkey. His son always found methods to put me down and this guy is doing the same but I've decided not to talk more to this guy anymore. He's only been here 3 days in total is showing his ignorance and a complete jackass.

Btw am I that stupid that guys especially white are putting me down? Btw I'm not trying to be racist here but this kind of behavior came from two white guys. I also wonder if my future partner will see me as a nil or nobody despite all my hardwork in life and study? Am I just a doormat that people can walk over me? My father belittled me all my life and so did mum's siblings.

 

[shandemonium]

First off, you are NOT stupid OR crazy... White men belittling people of color who they are threatened by is very common (sadly).

Obviously they are threatened by you and taking out their insecurities on you.

If I were you, I would not interact with them at all unless absolutely necessary. Do you need to discuss projects with them or is it just conversation between people sharing offices/floors?

Your task is to not let them get in your head. I know, easier said than done. It's none of his business what your project is unless he is your supervisor or somehow involved.

Oh dear, please excuse the sub-rant but I have met so many men like this. I even coined a term "white man syndrome" to describe this behavior.

Of course it feels triggering since you have been abused like this before. I know it's hard, but you must separate the deep family pain in your past from the insecure white-man-BS or your co-workers. If you emotionally connect them, then every douchey comment will stab like a knife.

You should know that everything you described sounds like this first man is so insecure and sees you as far superior to him in many ways. For example, why is it his business what fukcing job you landed vs. what degree you have? Anyone with any life experience knows that college degrees and finding jobs don't fit like gloves (I was history major but ended up working in social services).

Why does he need to know how many CV's you sent out? In a lot of white culture, attacks are in the form of questions and passive aggressive comments.
In my culture, we yell and say "Eff you"- something that got me in trouble on this website when a sarcastic man belittled me in the typical passive way and I went all ghetto on his ass.

I could go on and on.... I am racially ambiguous and mostly white-looking but raised in the barrio with Mexicans and blacks. I speak Spanish. I don't know my full ethnicity (bc of my father), but I am at least half Irish which makes me look white to America. I have blue eyes. I get a lot of cutting white people questions my whole life (prob bc they can't put me in a box) and I have learned some good ways to deal with it.

For example, keep your answers short and do not give them any real information about you. If it were me, instead of giving numbers of CV's I would say "hey sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles" or keep it vague.

It's none of their business and it's only used to belittle us anyway. Keep your cards close to your chest and only share what is necessary to do your job.

Viva la Raza!! -just kidding... viva toda las personas del mundo!

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @shandemonium. You are very right. I thought he was interested knowing things but I didn't know that he would turn out to be a complete asshole. I was only being honest but I didn't know it was going to end up like this. At first I had trouble getting a job for 1.4 yrs and most likely because I am brown and I have a non-English name. Then I am dealing with dorks like this.

It's ridiculous how this guy was telling me that he likes his women equal when he was asking about religion and thinking that I was muslim. When I said," No". Then he said, " you should". After that, I told him that he should become a muslim guy so can have advantage over women if that's what he likes. He said, that he likes his women equal to him. How ironic, when he is putting me down just because I am a female, probably have better or equal qualification and I am non-white, huh!! I hate this kind of discrimination. Aren't we all supposed to be on similar grounds regardless of our color?

Btw my cousin I was telling you about is half white (his mother) and half Indian (mum's narcissistic brother's son). He (Cousin) is 22 yrs of age but he acts like a complete asshole because that's how his father raised him which is "to hate me!".

 

[shandemonium]

I know it is sometimes hard to tell a sneak-attack question from a regular 'get to know ya' question. The way I usually gauge is by thinking "would I ask someone that who I just met?" I mean, asking where are you from, what did you study in school etc. are normal questions.

However, would we ask someone, "oh if you study this, then why that?" Probably not because we know it's rude. As people who suffered abuse in our lives it's so easy to forget that perspective and make excuses for people who are rude or intrusive and belittling.

Another way I look at it is this: I really don't like to explain myself to people because when I am explaining myself, I feel like I am defending something. What have I been accused of? Existing?! Being someone they can't easily fit in a box?!

You don't owe anyone any explanations! If you feel like you are giving one, that's a clear sign to give short answers and offer no real information.

If you want to PM me and just share stories of weird white-men interactions, I am here! :)

I've got a quick story that was actually from a white girl co-worker when I was younger. She would always ask questions like "oh, you're wearing different pants today, is it laundry day?" or she asked me one day if I knew where Timbuktu was, and since I did not answer fast enough or know exactly where in Africa it was, she says "oh I thought you said you studied history" Yeah, shit like that lol ... She was always "quizzing" me or asking mean questions about my hair, my clothes, my lunch!

I was 22 then and wish I could go back in time and tell that bitch off. But thanks to her and MANY others, I have learned about sneak-attack questions and I am way better at dealing with it now.

Hugs to you if you accept!:hug:

 

[illusionist]

from what I have read of your posts you appear to put much concern or importance on yours and others level of intelligence. I seem to be picking up that you feel nobody you work beside equals your high level of intelligence?.....maybe they are picking this up?....so their form of defence is bringing you down a peg or two?

 

[shimmerz]

@J_trustno1 , I am going to try to throw out a visualization here. If someone asked you to take off your clothes in front of them would you? I am guessing not. That is what people are asking you to do when they ask probing questions. First you take off your sweater, then your shoes, then, when they see you will do that, they have you take off your shirt, then your pants, then your bra, then your underwear. Now you are naked before them and completely exposed.

People do that by asking for personal information too. Just like physical parts shouldn't be exposed for general viewing, nor should our innermost thoughts and feelings and life circumstances. As a matter of fact, these more so than our bodies, should not be available for anyone's consumption.....

 

[joeylittle]

He is normal and good with others but when it comes to me he finds great ways to belittle me exactly like my mum's brother's son (i.e my cousin ) who has an IQ probably of less than a donkey. His son always found methods to put me down and this guy is doing the same but I've decided not to talk more to this guy anymore. He's only been here 3 days in total is showing his ignorance and a complete jackass.

Honestly, I would not be surprised if he thinks he's flirting with you.

I've observed that it's very easy for you to make connections between people from your past who have abused you and people in your present, current situation. I think we all do that, to an extent. But if you can start working on disconnecting that automatic thought, you might get less distressed over people who really have no power over you at all.

 

[J_trustno1]

@richter scale: thanks for your answer but you are WRONG!! I do not go around bashing people with my intelligence or what I have studied. The only reason I answered his questions was because he asked. I do have friends who are non academic and who are very normal people. So please keep your comments to yourself. Just because I have a qualification and I am a high achiever doesn't mean that I am a snob. I didn't get this far by putting people down but by my hard work!! I have done shit jobs all my teenage life and now that I have reached somewhere people think that I am non-deserving??? Please keep your comments to yourself in future. And thank you so much for taking your 5-10 mins for reading and throwing your random view at me. Good day.

 

[J_trustno1]

@shimmerz: thanks. What you said made a lot of sense. But this is the concept which I've been struggling all my life and I never realise how much to tell whom. I have brought this up in therapy and I don't think that I am learning anything about keeping boundaries. I don't understand hiw to divert people's questions. I feel that I have to be honest with them because I am obliged or else there is a punishment in the corner.

@joeylittle: Thanks for the help. I'm sorry for my offensive language. I seriously had no intention for being racist or negative but his comments hurt me. I cried when I reached home because he made fun of my hard work. What is flirting in all this? Does flirting mean you hurt the other person's sentiments?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh dear, this just hit home on the whole "establishing healthy boundaries" component. I have always been horrible about that - and learning to just not answer, or "risk being perceived as a jerk" myself .. *shaking my head* ... I'm still learning where and how to "not let people in" when they're not invited ...

Your task is to not let them get in your head. I know, easier said than done. It's none of his business what your project is unless he is your supervisor or somehow involved.

I thought he was interested knowing things but I didn't know that he would turn out to be a complete asshole.

I know it is sometimes hard to tell a sneak-attack question from a regular 'get to know ya' question. The way I usually gauge is by thinking "would I ask someone that who I just met?" I mean, asking where are you from, what did you study in school etc. are normal questions.

You don't owe anyone any explanations! If you feel like you are giving one, that's a clear sign to give short answers and offer no real information.

People do that by asking for personal information too. Just like physical parts shouldn't be exposed for general viewing, nor should our innermost thoughts and feelings and life circumstances.

this is the concept which I've been struggling all my life and I never realise how much to tell whom.

:hug: :eek: :whistling: :hug:

~S2B

 

[shandemonium]

@ptsdspouse2b not to get all college women's studies class here lol, but that's the trap for us women. We are doormats or bitches, sluts or prudes.

I finally just settled in to not caring if they think i'm a bitch (I guess). Better to be "jerk" than exposed and humiliated in my humble opinion...

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I finally just settled in to not caring if they think i'm a bitch (I guess). Better to be "jerk" than exposed and humiliated in my humble opinion...

I hear that! I think the "healthy boundaries" goes HAND IN HAND with choosing not to care so much about other people's "good opinion" about me. ;)