Wow this has been good for me to read today. Flylady... and everyone else who has similar issues with inactivity... I am the same. Especially right now. Over the years, I have had periods where it has been better, and periods when it's been so awful. I never feel I am at the 'full speed' I want to be at. I have to constantly re-jig my 'lists' of things to do, sometimes to just one thing, sometimes to five things a day... because it totally depends on the day for me. And it's important not to put too much on your list to do, if you set goals too high.. because then you will just fail and feel worse, or do even less than you probably could.
When I have tried to do as much as I WANT to do rather than what I know I CAN do, I have either miserably failed, or ended up really suffering for it. Deadlines are a nightmare for me too... and as a student this is not good! All through my 2nd year, and now again in my 3rd year, I have had to have extensions and special accommodations, and even with those it has been REALLY hard. Because I just never know when I'm going to be able to do the work I need to do, and how long for. For years I thought it was laziness, self-discipline issues... but I'm now being told not to be so hard on myself. Now I know I have PTSD, it is easier to cut myself some slack. I used to get myself into right states, thinking I was just lazy, then I'd hate myself etc. But I know that I'm not lazy... because I WANT to do more! I WANT to function better! If I had my way, I'd be manic and doing 4 things at once all day long... but that's unreasonable. Even 'normal' amounts are unreasonable to me... because before I get out of bed, my cup is already nearly full with PTSD crap.
So when I get a productive day, I take FULL advantage. Because I live with the uncertainty and a sense of lack of control over my own productivity. The funny this is... I am a perfectionist. I am organised, usually motivated, and everything that a 'productive person' should be...just without the production sometimes/often! The killer for me is to get the most out of myself I have to keep myself in a very predictable, constant environment where my only problem is my mind. Then I can deal with enough to get what I need out of myself. It then has a positive impact on me, I start to want to socialise more, and I get better at actually planning my days and doing them. Much like my earlier childhood... i was a little obsessive over schedules.
The problem with this is... it only works enough when my only stress is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I only have PTSD to deal with I still have bad periods and good periods, but they are not as long and enduring. But life doesn't work like that... if I get too much other stress, especially other personal or traumatic stress... I'm left incapable to function on any normal scale, and I simply can't seem to get on with what I need to do. And worse than that, the turmoil can go on for days/weeks/months and I don't know how long. At the moment, I am in your boat with this, and my degree is hanging in the balance (again). So you are not alone. I cannot even plan ahead more than a few days socially, because I don't know if on that day what state I will be in and if it will be one of those days where it is not a good idea to try to go out and be sociable and entertaining.
As for working... I have had some problems too with that. I'm only 22, and have been studying most of my life, and luckily that's okay as I have accommodation and loans in order to study. Once I've done my degree, if I can't manage working, I'm in the shit. In the past, even part time jobs were a problem to me at times... there were only two jobs I have ever had that worked for me, one part time, and the other full time for 5 months before I started uni. and I suspect that was because those times were better periods for me. I would start a job, and leave within weeks. Crash, then try another job. The only job that worked for me was one where I had deadlines, but the work environment left me to my own devices without someone standing over my shoulder all the time.
Are we lazy? No. I spend SO much time and energy TRYING to concentrate, TRYING to do what I have planned to do. Sometimes it can take me HOURS to muster up the courage to do a simple household task. Just because productivity is not happening, it doesn't mean that you are lazy... just that you have a lot of PTSD energy and emotion using up your mental and physical energy. Without stress (and PTSD is post traumatic stress), all that energy would be used externally. At the moment, all your energy is going internally because PTSD is using it up.
I cannot remember the last time I had a "lazy day"... by that I mean, watching a mindless film, slouching about and doing nothing. However, at the moment I spend days on end in my room doing nothing. But my mind is constantly thinking... my body and emotions are constantly doing something. Even when I'm sleeping. If I was lazy, I would be enjoying this right? Except I spend all day trying and failing, and worrying, and sometimes self-hating, and feeling awful. I try to take each day as it comes, and do as much as I can. I still push myself... but it takes understanding that sometimes doing very little IS pushing you, because otherwise you would do nothing at all.
I do think concentration and activity in whatever form is like a muscle, and needs to be exercised and built up, even if it is starting with just 5 minutes reading. But you also have to take into account that PTSD is fluid - some days are better than others, and some days it is just not going to happen. But some days, there is more room to do more. To be diagnosed with PTSD, you have to have impaired functioning on different levels, socially etc. That is part of PTSD, and why it is a disorder. So the bottom line is as you try to work through your trauma, and PTSD starts to gets better, everything else will too.
