Cymraeg! Oh, Wales has a special place in my heart. I was excited to read that in your post. Hats off to you for being calm and clear in your statements to your partner. The part that stands out to me is that she gave you permission and is now punishing you for it. Wish you luck.
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Relationship Am i naive??
- Post starter ByrnesT
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- #38
Dai iawn diolch @dulcia ! Never sure if Americans really know much about Wales, we tend to be the little ignored sibling of the Scots & the Irish haha! So a nice bonus to read your message!
Thank you for the encouragement too. Yes as I have previously said, I understood this was tough for her, I understood it was a little unusual maybe, I understood why it was hard for her to keep a lid on things...but then she didn’t really try to either. Feel I was set up a bit.
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- #39
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
You were set up totally. You asked her if she minded and she said no... You invited her to stay over at the same time to supervise. She declined. You had 100% transparency. She then changed her mind after the fact and is making you pay for it. That's bullshit my friend.
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- #40
Again, thank you @Sweetpea76 . On top of all those other details you just listed, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually mentioned this next point in all of this thread. By the time my American friend stayed with me, me & my partner weren’t even a couple anymore that night. That is why she didn’t stay with me herself. She was very much still on the scene & therefore I still wanted to do things as right by her as possible. (She’s broken up with me so many times it’s hard to think of it as ever really over!) But she had broken up with me in a fit of jealousy a couple of weeks before because of me speaking to her friend (which of course meant I was hitting on her friend...right in front of her!).
So despite all the things you’ve said above which are true, they were the things I had put in place & she had agreed to, when it came around we weren’t even a couple. And that had been her decision. Yet it was still wrong & MUST never happen again if we’re to move forward.
I never mentioned this before because I thought by saying “well we weren’t together so I can do what I want” wasn’t really the tone I wanted this to come across as. Simply by saying that it could have implied a romantic link with my visitor in some people’s minds which is not the truth.
I had tried to work with her, she changed her mind too late, then she’s making ultimatums. That to me was the important discussion, not the fact that I was a “free agent”. Tho now with that extra piece of knowledge, it does add an extra dose of unfair into the mix I feel!
So despite all the things you’ve said above which are true, they were the things I had put in place & she had agreed to, when it came around we weren’t even a couple. And that had been her decision. Yet it was still wrong & MUST never happen again if we’re to move forward.
I never mentioned this before because I thought by saying “well we weren’t together so I can do what I want” wasn’t really the tone I wanted this to come across as. Simply by saying that it could have implied a romantic link with my visitor in some people’s minds which is not the truth.
I had tried to work with her, she changed her mind too late, then she’s making ultimatums. That to me was the important discussion, not the fact that I was a “free agent”. Tho now with that extra piece of knowledge, it does add an extra dose of unfair into the mix I feel!
nursenurse
Diamond Member
"it’s never been who I am or who I want to be" When your own moral compass is in danger of being tarnished, it is time to truly reconsider the relationship you are in. this is not the product of a mutual build up through love and affection, but a brick by brick tear down of the person you truly are. It isn't worth it, my friend. Dodge that bullet.
- Post starter
- #42
Was this when I said about allowing thoughts of not being open & honest with my partner to creep in @nursenurse cos honesty hadn’t worked for me? I’m absolutely adamant I would never allow this to be a relationship I would be a part of, it could never become a reality for me. But yes you’re absolutely right. The fact that I even had to think that way, however briefly, is a change of what I believe in. And really not for the better. That is not what I want.
I have read all your reply’s and think you have gotten great feed back. I believe in a lot of what I’ve read. But I would also like to play devils advocate.
You have been in this relationship for two years. You know how she reacts to other women. You have a long distant friendship with someone you have kept in touch with but don’t see every day or probably speak with every day. You are in a relationship with someone who has trust issues. You know the issues are there and obviously need to be worked on. Knowing all this you choose to still invite your friend to stay with you.
Yes, your gf said it was fine. But was that the first thing she said? I’m sure her first respons, from what you’ Written wasn’t bubbly or a place of excitement.
So if your really honest with yourself, did you really believe she was going to be ok was this? I’m not in anyway trying to say what’s right or wrong here.
I’m just trying to look at it in a different way.
On one hand you have a friend who you communicate with here and there. Your other friends are not in a place to have her stay with them, but we’re you?
Now, on the other hand you have your gf. You know she has trust issues, she’s always had them. For two years you’ve been in this relationship with trust issues.
So if we put it together, how would it look? You have a friend who would like to visit. She someone you communicate with, not sure how much and have a friendship with. She has other friends there but can’t stay with them. Then you have your gf, who by your own words is very jealous. Has always been jealous and have had some big fights about it.
I not sure what you thought the outcome would be. Please don’t get me wrong. Im just trying to look at it a different way or maybe look at in maybe her way.
(MAYBE HER WAY)
My bf knows I have trust issues and knows me well enough to know how uncomfortable it would be for me to have another woman stay the night with him. He knows I’ll be up all night thinking about it and he also knows I would feel uncomfortable around someone who he put in front of my feelings. His other friends didn’t go out of their way to help. Why couldn’t they all pitch in for a hotel or bed and breakfast. He chose her feelings over mine. I’m the one he sees and is in a relationship with. I would never put anyone in front of him, other then my kids.
Again, I’m not saying what’s right or wrong. I just trying to give a different perspective. I do get the feeling that you knew this would be the reaction you would receive. Maybe deep down, this was the way you could break away.
But I could be completely wrong.
I don’t know if this point of view helped in anyway. I myself have trust issues. Not with my husband, but with women. Not all women, I’m very much “ girl power!!! Lol. But I’ve had good reasons not to trust some.
You have been in this relationship for two years. You know how she reacts to other women. You have a long distant friendship with someone you have kept in touch with but don’t see every day or probably speak with every day. You are in a relationship with someone who has trust issues. You know the issues are there and obviously need to be worked on. Knowing all this you choose to still invite your friend to stay with you.
Yes, your gf said it was fine. But was that the first thing she said? I’m sure her first respons, from what you’ Written wasn’t bubbly or a place of excitement.
So if your really honest with yourself, did you really believe she was going to be ok was this? I’m not in anyway trying to say what’s right or wrong here.
I’m just trying to look at it in a different way.
On one hand you have a friend who you communicate with here and there. Your other friends are not in a place to have her stay with them, but we’re you?
Now, on the other hand you have your gf. You know she has trust issues, she’s always had them. For two years you’ve been in this relationship with trust issues.
So if we put it together, how would it look? You have a friend who would like to visit. She someone you communicate with, not sure how much and have a friendship with. She has other friends there but can’t stay with them. Then you have your gf, who by your own words is very jealous. Has always been jealous and have had some big fights about it.
I not sure what you thought the outcome would be. Please don’t get me wrong. Im just trying to look at it a different way or maybe look at in maybe her way.
(MAYBE HER WAY)
My bf knows I have trust issues and knows me well enough to know how uncomfortable it would be for me to have another woman stay the night with him. He knows I’ll be up all night thinking about it and he also knows I would feel uncomfortable around someone who he put in front of my feelings. His other friends didn’t go out of their way to help. Why couldn’t they all pitch in for a hotel or bed and breakfast. He chose her feelings over mine. I’m the one he sees and is in a relationship with. I would never put anyone in front of him, other then my kids.
Again, I’m not saying what’s right or wrong. I just trying to give a different perspective. I do get the feeling that you knew this would be the reaction you would receive. Maybe deep down, this was the way you could break away.
But I could be completely wrong.
I don’t know if this point of view helped in anyway. I myself have trust issues. Not with my husband, but with women. Not all women, I’m very much “ girl power!!! Lol. But I’ve had good reasons not to trust some.
- Post starter
- #44
Hi @Mytime . To be honest I’m taking a break from this site right now but as you’ve been kind enough to write I don’t want to come across rude & ignore you.
I totally understand all of what you’re saying & absolutely this is obviously how my ex saw things.
Yes when you look at it from the angle of “you know she has trust issues so don’t do something that you know will stress her” (I’m summing up as quickly as I can - I know you didn’t mean it quite as simply as that) that makes total sense. And there’s an awful lot of things I really would try my best to avoid if I thought it would upset her of course.
This situation was very difficult for me to avoid in my view tho, not without giving away a part of who I am.
My other friends who I said were not in positions to offer her a place to stay, were also unavailable to even see her when she made her visit sadly. To ask them to cough up money to pay for her visit would seem rather unfair. Plus, as much as they are “Facebook friends” I don’t think they all keep contact with her. I have always kept in touch more, maybe just a message or two every couple of months or so.
I also simply don’t want to always bow down to misplaced jealousy. My ex had never had any reason to suspect I would ever be unfaithful to her (& of course I never would have been) & her jealousy comes about through a general lack of trust that is not of my making. That doesn’t mean I would want to deliberately hurt her but I think I have to have some limits of what adjustments I’m willing to make. Don’t get me wrong, I hugely appreciate this was testing her jealousy to the maximum & it was not ideal in the slightest, but I did try to work with her on this.
I wanted her to stay with me the whole time my friend visited. So that she could not have to go through the jealousy from a distance & see with her own eyes the innocence of the situation.
Sadly she wasn’t with me tho because by the time my friend visited, she had already broken up with me about a month before. This was down to an act of jealousy also. I met up with her & a friend one night for drinks. By talking & laughing with her friend she concluded I was hitting on her friend. It was just the 3 of us there, I was right in front of her the whole time. It’s not the only time that me simply talking to a woman, right in front of her, has ended in a furious rage.
I do feel if this extreme jealous behaviour was coming from a man towards a woman, alarm bells would be triggered in the majority of people. They would tell the woman to get out for fear of these jealous rages & the control & manipulation that comes from them. Personally don’t think that should be different just because this is a woman acting out towards a man.
I have shown her a lot of trust since meeting her & as much as maybe I don’t expect to get that exact same level back because of her trust issues, an effort to at least try at times would be fair. Otherwise I am just being controlled & bullied I think. And once I start to adjust to her jealousy, where does it end? I stop talking to women? Stop meeting lifelong female friends? If a female friend merely links arms with me tell her she mustn’t touch me? Yes this situation was more complex, but I’m sure you can see what I’m saying. My ex would have wanted me to have stopped all these things if she could have & more.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate the points you’re making & they are completely valid. And as I say, it’s undoubtedly how she saw it yes. And I’m not saying those are “wrong” as such either.
One thing it wasn’t tho was me trying to break free. Maybe I was naive but by trying to work with her on this & asking her to be with me the whole time I felt I was doing the best I could to accommodate her & maybe taking stepping stones towards improving trust.
As I say tho, I never got the chance as her jealousy had already ended the relationship a month prior. Yet, even tho we were then not a couple, I still faced the jealous rage.
Thank you again for your message @Mytime i appreciate you calmly talking through the other side of this with me & you do raise a lot of valid points for what I’m sure my ex felt about this. When she says it all in anger & aggression it’s far harder to hear (or respect in truth) her point of view.
I totally understand all of what you’re saying & absolutely this is obviously how my ex saw things.
Yes when you look at it from the angle of “you know she has trust issues so don’t do something that you know will stress her” (I’m summing up as quickly as I can - I know you didn’t mean it quite as simply as that) that makes total sense. And there’s an awful lot of things I really would try my best to avoid if I thought it would upset her of course.
This situation was very difficult for me to avoid in my view tho, not without giving away a part of who I am.
My other friends who I said were not in positions to offer her a place to stay, were also unavailable to even see her when she made her visit sadly. To ask them to cough up money to pay for her visit would seem rather unfair. Plus, as much as they are “Facebook friends” I don’t think they all keep contact with her. I have always kept in touch more, maybe just a message or two every couple of months or so.
I also simply don’t want to always bow down to misplaced jealousy. My ex had never had any reason to suspect I would ever be unfaithful to her (& of course I never would have been) & her jealousy comes about through a general lack of trust that is not of my making. That doesn’t mean I would want to deliberately hurt her but I think I have to have some limits of what adjustments I’m willing to make. Don’t get me wrong, I hugely appreciate this was testing her jealousy to the maximum & it was not ideal in the slightest, but I did try to work with her on this.
I wanted her to stay with me the whole time my friend visited. So that she could not have to go through the jealousy from a distance & see with her own eyes the innocence of the situation.
Sadly she wasn’t with me tho because by the time my friend visited, she had already broken up with me about a month before. This was down to an act of jealousy also. I met up with her & a friend one night for drinks. By talking & laughing with her friend she concluded I was hitting on her friend. It was just the 3 of us there, I was right in front of her the whole time. It’s not the only time that me simply talking to a woman, right in front of her, has ended in a furious rage.
I do feel if this extreme jealous behaviour was coming from a man towards a woman, alarm bells would be triggered in the majority of people. They would tell the woman to get out for fear of these jealous rages & the control & manipulation that comes from them. Personally don’t think that should be different just because this is a woman acting out towards a man.
I have shown her a lot of trust since meeting her & as much as maybe I don’t expect to get that exact same level back because of her trust issues, an effort to at least try at times would be fair. Otherwise I am just being controlled & bullied I think. And once I start to adjust to her jealousy, where does it end? I stop talking to women? Stop meeting lifelong female friends? If a female friend merely links arms with me tell her she mustn’t touch me? Yes this situation was more complex, but I’m sure you can see what I’m saying. My ex would have wanted me to have stopped all these things if she could have & more.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate the points you’re making & they are completely valid. And as I say, it’s undoubtedly how she saw it yes. And I’m not saying those are “wrong” as such either.
One thing it wasn’t tho was me trying to break free. Maybe I was naive but by trying to work with her on this & asking her to be with me the whole time I felt I was doing the best I could to accommodate her & maybe taking stepping stones towards improving trust.
As I say tho, I never got the chance as her jealousy had already ended the relationship a month prior. Yet, even tho we were then not a couple, I still faced the jealous rage.
Thank you again for your message @Mytime i appreciate you calmly talking through the other side of this with me & you do raise a lot of valid points for what I’m sure my ex felt about this. When she says it all in anger & aggression it’s far harder to hear (or respect in truth) her point of view.
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- #46
Thank you @Mytime & all the very best New Year wishes to you too
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