Relationship Am I Not Supposed To Argue?

[Echo]

@Solara - I think you're trying to start one, and I refuse to play. In this neck of the woods, arguing involves shouting. I'm glad to hear that, at your end, you manage to debate rationally and calmly at all times. Yelling is another category altogether hereabouts, and I no longer have the stamina.

 

[tsadlerj]

I just wanted to add that there usually isnt yelling. Voices may raise at some points but this is more of disagreements than anything else

 

[Justmehere]

It is important to validate that arguing is possible without yelling or shouting. For example, lawyer argue all the time, and hopefully without yelling or shouting.

There are healthy ways to sort out conflicts (much like is happening in this thread) but even healthy ways of sorting out conflict can be exhausting for people who have experienced dangerous conflict.

My trauma history makes me irritable when I get scared, and I also to avoid conflict and it takes a lot of energy sometimes for me to work it out well.

I also know that many of us have experienced arguments where there was shouting so much that it's hard to imagine anything else.

In the case of the original poster, @tsadlerj, it sounds like the problem is that there are many arguments, and your girlfriend shuts down afterwards in a way that you are struggling with and feel hurt by? It sounds like she may associate arguments with danger, because that may have played a factor in her trauma. It can be a little like if her abuser wore a red shirt, then all people with red shirts will bring up anxiety, and that gets to be exhausting.

I also know that for me, it can feel dangerous if I am wrong. It is also true for me that I have a hard time accepting myself, and others acceptance of me is never quite enough to fill the void I have inside. It is changing for me in therapy, as it hopefully with your girlfriend, if this is what is going on for her.

Are there general themes of argument? like does it tend to be about one type of thing? (i.e. money, schedules, what to do when together, etc) or is it many subjects?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husbands feelings would get hurt and he crawled into his shell for a few days which drove me nuts. We always resolved it in the end but I tend to agree with what Amethist said. I wish you the best in these fights and her shutting you out and I understand about walking on eggshells.

Just take the best care of you that you can when she shuts you out. It will pass. I understand how hard that is to take care of yourself, but can you get away from her when she does that? Do something to make yourself feel better.

 

[tsadlerj]

@Justmehere the arguments are rarely about the same thing. Usually it's because I triggered something. They usually start out as something small but then build up into a bigger deal than they really need to be.

 

[Sweetpea76]

the arguments are rarely about the same thing. Usually it's because I triggered something. They usually start out as something small but then build up into a bigger deal than they really need to be.

All I want to do is what's right for her and I can't ever seem to get it right.

tsadlerj, you just explained a major frustration that a lot of supporters have. It probably doesn't help much, but just know you are not alone.

Listen, you are never, ever going to be able to predict or understand all her triggers. It is impossible, because some of them will not make any sense to anybody but her. You are never going to be able to be perfect and never stress or trigger her. And when the argument has to do with any kind of trigger, that is going to be one argument that you will never win, much less be heard.

Yes, communication tactics have to be adjusted when you are in a relationship with a sufferer. A lot of times they are going to feel attacked and insulted a whole lot easier than people without PTSD. This is easy to understand. There are ways to discuss important issues and stand your ground without being aggressive. What really sucks, however, is when you are working very, very hard to be mature, calm and communicate well, and your sufferer is triggered and lashing out at you because you accidently stepped in the PTSD. This would be the time to cut your losses and just give it up. The time and place to discuss the particular issue has passed, and cannot be reached again until she has calmed way down.

My advice from the minefield would be to learn how she reacts when she is triggered and/or stressed. My vet has some "tells" when he is triggered ( a certain way he sighs is my main clue that it just hit the fan, as well as a more aggressive tone of voice). When I start to see this, I know that I cannot discuss, argue, or make any kind of point with him. When you can tell she is triggered or stressed, that is the time to "let it go."

I guess my point is, you can discuss things, and you should absolutely make your points and express your opinions in a non-aggressive way... but when your sufferer is triggered or stressed, you have to learn to just let it go until a better time.

 

[Never Give Up]

Is it possible that no matter how a supporter tries to communicate, just the fact that there is a confrontation or an opposition involved could be enough to cause them to go into their shell. I have tried the soft low voiced conversation and it ended up with the same outcome.

 

[gtpgurl]

In my opinion yes. I know personally myself it causes a feeling of I am wrong, I did something wrong, I'm not good, I'm not worthy and the spiral of no self esteem.

 

[Never Give Up]

@gtpgurl - the feelings you get. Does your supporter know who you feel. I have never heard from my wife how she is feeling, nor does she share where she is at. The thing I see and feel is anger and dissociation which is apparent. You your feelings masked with other emotions that might be hard to read normally.

 

[gtpgurl]

I'm sure most the time I always come off as angry or hostile to him, but I try to always remember in my calm moments to go back and try to explain to him what my feelings really were. I have pretty much told him my whole life story (Minus most of the grewsome details) from the very beginning of our relationship I was very up front open an honest about myself. so he knows I have all these issues I am still not very good at communicating or containing myself when I get worked up or emotional, thank God he is understanding and has the patience and love to keep with me.

 

[Never Give Up]

I am glad you are both able to talk during your downtime times. I wish I could understand her feelings more so I could be a better provider to her needs.

 

[Never Give Up]

Last night I stayed in my bedroom to exercise and listen to some music since I still remained shut out. My wife twice last night came up stairs to confront me and a few things. I kindly asked her to leave and I didn't want to argue this evening. That seemed to upset her since I would not respond back. I figured that if I do not talk, I will not get blamed for something that is not important.
Supporters - Silence is golden!