Am I over reacting? When to say enough!

[snowangel35]

Thanks for all the replies. Definitely a lot of food for thought. I’ve always thought that some other forms of therapy may not be useful but I’m not sure why maybe it’s worh exploring more. I just feel like the areas that I am working on wouldn’t lend themselves to those methods. I have worked a lot on and made progress in lots of areas such as reducing my anxiety, hyper vigilance , getting in touch with my emotions and body and also improved relationships so as I say there has definitely been improvements. I have also been doing mindfulness and mediation in conjunction to my therapy. I have questioned if more evidence of care would just fuel my desire for more and more evidence and asked myself that many times and I guess I don’t know the answer. I do often feel that someone more ‘real’ who still works within the boundaries of professional therapy would be better. It’s so hard to explain but I feel Psychoanalytic therapy sometimes feels like a game where I’m not really sure of the rules. Ive read that for those who have experienced relational trauma most of the healing is in the therapy relationship itself

 

[Abstract]

Do you want to say more here about other types of relationships, what you thought wouldnt work for you about them and what you specifically would like out of therapy at this point?

I just feel like the areas that I am working on wouldn’t lend themselves to those methods

Do you want to discuss this more? It sounds like you have done a lot to help yourself too.

 

[Justmehere]

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

This is a little different then even psychodynamic therapy. In psychodynamic therapy, the therapist will often see the relationship as part of the healing. In psychoanalytic therapy, the therapist seeks to be a blank slate. On purpose.

I strongly second (or third) the recommendations for CBT or DBT or numerous other forms of trauma therapy. Consulting with another therapist who offers other types of therapy doesn’t mean you have to end with yours and could give you more information on your options.

Otherwise, it will be like you are continuing to go to a hardware store and continuing to end up pissed you can’t buy bread there.

 

[Nessa7]

I wanted to add that it is normal for someone to try out a different style of therapy even after having a steady therapist for quite a long time. Your therapist should be fine with you testing out another therapist and possibly coming back or making the switch.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that as traumatized people we don’t really know what it means to trust.

I think that we expect some magical level of perfection that is unrealistic.

In the end, everyone is simply human.

A best friend, a partner, a parent.....can all be very trustworthy but forgetful. Not remembering an event doesn’t mean we can’t trust them or that they don’t care. It simply means they are human, imperfections and all.

I think it would be a good idea to re-examine your definition of trust. If you carry your current definition with you until the day you die at a record 125 years of age, you won’t ever find a single soul that meets your definition of trustworthy or caring to your standards.

It’s about looking at the larger picture and not defining an entire relationship based on one event ie forgetting one thing that is important to you.

 

[snowangel35]

I think that as traumatized people we don’t really know what it means to trust.

I think that we expect some magical level of perfection that is unrealistic.

In the end, everyone is simply human.

A best friend, a partner, a parent.....can all be very trustworthy but forgetful. Not remembering an event doesn’t mean we can’t trust them or that they don’t care. It simply means they are human, imperfections and all.

I think it would be a good idea to re-examine your definition of trust. If you carry your current definition with you until the day you die at a record 125 years of age, you won’t ever find a single soul that meets your definition of trustworthy or caring to your standards.

It’s about looking at the larger picture and not defining an entire relationship based on one event ie forgetting one thing that is important to you.

I know my original post talks about this one event but it’s not just about this one event. I know one ‘mistake’ or someone forgetting something doesn’t mean they don’t care. I get that. It’s more just this one event reminded me what this isn’t and can never be. More the fact it reminds me that the ‘care’ is limited. I do not doubt or not trust that she cares about people, cares about her work etc. I guess it’s more about caring for me as a person. I don’t know I feel like I’m going around in circles at moment and not quite able to explain myself properly.

 

[Justmehere]

If there wasn’t care about you as a person, she wouldn’t likely be doing therapy with you. Getting expressions of that care isn’t likely to happen more than it is in the treatment style uses.

Are there other possible reasons as to why she forgot that one event other than your interpretation it is a lack of care? Is it possible that you minimized the importance of the event? Or is it possible that she did remember but her style means that she didn’t bring it up and maybe you figured that as her forgetting? I’m not stating any of this happened. Just wondering.

Did you deal with what you needed to deal with regarding the event? Or did her forgetfulness and getting distrustful of her care pull you both away from doing that work? If so, maybe it would be worth going back and facing the actual event itself and the issues with it head on and see what happens?

 

[snowangel35]

If there wasn’t care about you as a person, she wouldn’t likely be doing therapy with you. Getting expressions of that care isn’t likely to happen more than it is in the treatment style uses.

Are there other possible reasons as to why she forgot that one event other than your interpretation it is a lack of care? Is it possible that you minimized the importance of the event? Or is it possible that she did remember but her style means that she didn’t bring it up and maybe you figured that as her forgetting? I’m not stating any of this happened. Just wondering.

Did you deal with what you needed to deal with regarding the event? Or did her forgetfulness and getting distrustful of her care pull you both away from doing that work? If so, maybe it would be worth going back and facing the actual event itself and the issues with it head on and see what happens?

I asked if she had forgotten and she said ‘yes’. Then we explored how it made me feel etc. I know my reaction is slightly out of proportion to the actual event so ALOT (but not all) of my feelings are based on stuff from my past (which we have explored also before- this exact same rupture has happened before) which is why I’m even more bothered by the fact it seems to have happened AGAIN!

I do plan to revisit it for sure. The more I write the less I’m sure what I’m actually looking for to be honest. All I know is that I was very angry and hurting when I wrote my original post and from reflecting back it feels like I have spent most of the time I have been in therapy in pain or anguish with feelings longing with intermittent fleeting moments of feeling cared for and i just had enough. I get therapy is jean to bring up past pain and we are meant to work through it and come out the other side but when it feels like that’s all it is doing for 3 years it just feels too much

 

[Justmehere]

What is holding you back from consulting with another therapist and seeing if other types of therapy will meet your needs better?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you’re looking for more than a therapist can healthily provide. The therapeutic relationship is designed to end. If you become overly attached then it’s going to be painful when it ends. I think that healthy attachment (to a therapist) is actually less than what you are looking for. It seems like you want a therapist who is going to be on the level of a close personal friend.

 

[hithere]

I haven't read others' responses. I understand your situation. I'm at place where I realized I'm being a masochist over and over going back to therapy to just feel outrageous amounts of pain that do not lead to healing. Just rejections, aloofness, whatever, it doesn't matter--whether it's my brain causing me to avoid--doesn't matter. I'm done. enough is enough. There are thousands of other ways to heal. There's art, there's writing, there's dance, there's theatre, there's animals, there's dealing with my behaviors and just correcting them. Stopping trauma therapy I feel is the first step in actually taking care of myself. Sometimes wonderful relationships appear that allow personal, mutual growth and healing. I'm done with trauma therapy.

 

[snowangel35]

I think you’re looking for more than a therapist can healthily provide. The therapeutic relationship is designed to end. If you become overly attached then it’s going to be painful when it ends. I think that healthy attachment (to a therapist) is actually less than what you are looking for. It seems like you want a therapist who is going to be on the level of a close personal friend.

No I’m not looking for a close personal friend... I mean yes perhaps somewhere there is a fantasy there but not is not what I’m talking about here and that is not what I want in reality. I totally understand the boundaries of the therapy relationship. It is more about how this type of therapy seems to be at the far end of the scale when it comes to what is an isn’t allowed within the therapy frame and relationship and seems to me just to be that small but too limited . My therapist isn’t blank slate and will answer some questions when asked. I do not really ask many questions however mainly because of the way the relationship is set up and how she won’t answer many things.
As far as becoming overly attached it is too late for that as I already am. Would I (will I) survive when this ends? Of course... I have survived many many worse things and the world will keep on turning... but will it possible be one of the most painful experiences I will have had? I think so..