Am I Sucking The Life Out Of Family & Friends?

[GRANOLA]

I wonder sometimes if I rely on my family and friends too much. My husband is super supportive but I feel like he is getting tired of the whole thing. He has said to me a few times in the lastt couple of weeks,"Ya I know, you've got PTSD".

I have one close friend who helps me with managing the elephant. She takes a turn driving me to therapy which is just over 3hrs round trip. I rely on her to help me with meetings and checking forms. When things go sideways its my husband and her that are always at the hospital with me. I try not to bug her more than once or twice a week at the most. I don't talk to many other people, other than my 2 Ts. I just don't want everyone knowing my troubles and I live in a small town.

I have thinking about giving everyone a break and finding a place to go for respite.

How do you know when you should be giving your support people a break? They always say its ok, and anytime.

I don't want to strain my relationships anymore than I have.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Granola, HUGS to you love. I just want you to know that I know how you are feeling.

I do not know that one can truly know when to give support people a break. My husband is my supporter and I know there have been times he has said that to me and it hurts. But, that does not mean they do not love us. We are all imperfect human beings battling a crappy disorder that we did not ask for. It is not your fault.

Ugh. You know, the best thing I could do for my husband was buying the book for him called When Someone You Love Suffers From Post Traumatic Stress by Claudia Zayfert and Jason DeViva. I got it for him because it taught him how to not only understand my condition better, but it focuses on showing sympathy for the supporter and taught him how to take care of himself while being a supporter. Things like doing things for himself sometimes, boundaries, listening to his body and feelings, etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is SO normal for something like PTSD to be straining on all relationships. It is NOT your fault! Truth is, your supporters must learn how to take their own breaks. And as long as you are doing your best to heal, nobody can ask for more because that is A LOT handle.

I am so sorry for your pain. This will get easier. You all will evolve in this together and learn new ways of coping. The dynamic will shift at some point and things will feel more normal again. Be gentle with yourself. Find soothing things to do and come to these forums and unload to your heart's content.

We are here for you. We understand and you are not alone.

 

[bell]

No real words of wisdom, but I wonder this, too, @GRANOLA. Recently I pushed someone out of my life completely because I thought I was relying on them too much. It has totally broken my heart, and I don't recommend it, but I understand how you're feeling.

Best wishes.

 

[Tinyflame]

No words of wisdom unfortunately here either GRANOLA, but I'm glad it's your 'H' as that takes away some of the option to simply leave. I don't know if it's right or wrong to leave, or for a respite, but I can say for myself I even feel an intense need to simply drop away from and out of my life and everyone in it to the extent I can. For their sake, really.

Perhaps you should ask him.

:hug:

 

[Badger]

As a supporter I can definitely say that I am sad when I am shut out. When my sufferer isolates its hard not to take that personally. I know in my heart it has nothing to do with me, and in a way he has to do it. He is so present for me normally, that its a big change. When he tries to be around me, and he needs to isolate that doesn't really work much better, though.

 

[maddog]

It sounds a little harsh, and more than a little simplistic, to say so, but our supporters are adults with freedom of speech and action, and it is their choice to support us in the ways that they do. It is so hard not to mindread, 2nd guess and presume we know what is going on for others, but truly, we don't, and often it is our own skewed perceptions of ourselves and our worth that taints our perceptions of how others must feel.

In the end, I think every person is responsible for deciding whether or not the relationships in their lives are an acceptable balance of give and take. Nobody can make that decision for anyone else, and we can't necessarily know what we give to a relationship that is significant to someone else and which we may not even be aware of.

I think the best gift we can give our supporters is acknowledgement and communication. I think it's ok to say "I know it's not always easy to be with me, and it means a lot to me that you're here..." etc. That offers empathy that may serve as the greatest validation that the other person needs for what they do.

As in all relationships, the more open and honest both parties are, the more likely it is that the bumps in the road can be acknowledged and dealt with quickly and effectively.

And I do agree that encouraging supporters to have time out and to cultivate other interests and activities is healthy. Maybe they feel guilt too about the extent to which they can and should do this. It probably helps to know they have our support.

It's sad that there is sometimes so much guilt on both sides that never gets aired or shared.

Maddog

 

[GRANOLA]

Thanks for your opinion Maddog!

It is the skewed perception of self and others that causes the difficulty in reading what other people want or need.

You are 100% correct that the adults involved are responsible for taking care of thier wellbeing.

I was diagnosed with complex ptsd last July, I'm just starting to get a feel for what is helping and what isn't. When I can I try to be aware of my loved ones stress levels.

Its's going to be a long journey and I want everyone on my ship to stay aboard.

GRANOLA:)

 

[The Albatross]

I was. I was sucking the life out of my family and friends. I quit. I chose life affirming self care activities and from there, I can be a blessing rather than relying on them from others. It feels good too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. They complain about my symptoms. I go away. They complain that I go away. I can't win. So I usually just go away as it's one complaint to deal with rather than the ongoing complaints of my symptoms. Ugh.

 

[bell]

Man, this thread is making me tear up. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I didn't feel both doomed and damned to be alone. I wish everything were different. I wish that I didn't know what it's like to be lonely (sometimes I think I was better off pre-therapy when I couldn't feel anything... although that's only in my worst moments when it hurts the worst, as I know therapy is a godsend). I wish that people understood and didn't tell me "you'll find someone," when it seems flippin' impossible to find someone who will see me, the real me and weather the storm that is me sometimes.

I wish all of this all the time, for both me and for you and for everyone that has this stupid horrible disorder. And I feel like lightning will have to strike again (and I know it doesn't do it twice) and that I'll find someone again who gets it, because I'm only 38 and can't stand the thought of being alone the rest of my life if I'm lucky enough to live a long time. It's the thought that keeps me up at night, haunts me during my days, yet I also know I don't want to infect/inflict my pain onto anyone else that I love and hurt them.

So I try my best to be alone and to realize that this is how it may always be, and am so soul-soothingly glad that people here understand what I'm talking about, yet so sorry that they get it, too.

 

[The Albatross]

Proactive outlets, emotional regulating "VACIs" (Vital Absorbing Creative Interests) and self maintenance is the way decrease the chances of wearing people out around us. Cultivating a sense of autonomy and picking a "generally satisfying" direction for life and living.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@bell I couldn't agree more.

I TRY to heal, self regulate, etc, but I know I'll always have some sort of symptoms. I just feel that it's never enough. One friend told me I get no more forgiveness. But he didn't end the friendship. WHY?!? I can't be perfect but now I have to be or the friendship is over. Why is he prolonging the inevitable? I don't want to sit around and wait for the end.