Am I Sucking The Life Out Of Family & Friends?

[The Albatross]

It is not inevitable unless you can not or will not make an effort to change. You need a degree of separation between feelings and facts. The feeling "that it is never enough" is internal... but the fact is that your friend is frustrated and tired of apologies. Either you initiate change and put the relationship on more equal footing by learning some self regulation skills, or you don't and you will lose the friend ship. It is not inevitable. Even effort counts in friendships, familial relationships and partnerships/marriages. If they see an attempt, they have a vested interest in keeping the relationship open.

Why? Because they CARE. I had to care too. I had to care more for them than I "felt" I was willing to endure or sustain. It has been worth it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say it's inevitable because I can't make any more mistakes. This is an impossibility.

 

[The Albatross]

You "feel" you cannot make any more mistakes. But I am telling you that with people who cared about me (my in-laws and family, my spouse and my friends)... when they saw an effort on my part to self regulate, the relationships stayed open. I needed to be willing to try. Trying was/is good enough. Since attempting self regulation I have lost no friendships except for one here at the forum because I would not "choose" sides.

People put WAY too much creedence on feelings. They are poor predictors of the future. The future is unknowable... but can be skewed either way either by attempting to overcome relational obstacles or giving over to failure based thinking.

 

[bell]

Trying was/is good enough.

This is what keeps me going. (Thanks for the reminder, @The Albatross, that it can be enough.)

People put WAY too much creedence on feelings. They are poor predictors of the future. The future is unknowable... but can be skewed either way either by attempting to overcome relational obstacles or giving over to failure based thinking.

This is true, I think. @Solara, sometimes I think that it's daring to remove the thought that it's "impossible" that's the hardest. I don't know about you, but once I start thinking that the one thing I want more than anything is possible, I start trying to protect myself again by saying it is impossible. Because if I say it is impossible, then I control it. I don't give anyone a chance to get close.

In admitting to myself that it is possible, then I open myself up to the fact that it may never happen, which is out of my control, which is almost too much to bear (bare?) at times.

In fact, just writing about this, writing about the possibility is making me tear up and wanting to distract myself from thinking about it. Because deep down, I know that if I'm open to it being possible and it does not happen, I will crumble from the weight.

 

[The Albatross]

What is "crumbling from the weight" a fear? A feeling? A paralyzer? A complacent thing we tell ourselves to remain in the former manipulative coping thinking style. Anthony has written about this. Expectations, that we heap on things is an entirely different matter. That is something we impose on ourselves and need to learn how to manage also. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (Albert Ellis materials helped me a lot with this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm just in a really bad place. Sorry to bow out.

 

[bell]

@The Albatross, I think it's the death of hope that I don't want to hit. Because despite everything, there still lies a bit a of hope somewhere that I will find someone through all of this. And opening myself up to the possibility and having it not happen means letting go of hope, which terrifies me.

@Solara, I hear you, I'm in not the best place today, either. Take care of you.

 

[The Albatross]

So much easier to not rattle the mindset. By all means, continue to hold your perceptions.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@The Albatross

I'm just going by what he told me, nothing less, nothing more. I get no more forgiveness, those were his exact words. Effectively it is over as I can't be perfect. He just doesn't have the guts to end things with me so says stuff like that so he doesn't have to do the dirty work.

 

[Badger]

I dont like being the person that has to share all that pain, but if you love someone do you have a choice? I dont feel like I have a choice, its a bond. I am the only one that can be there. There is never going to be someone for him that will get him the way I do. Im not sure they could even read the manual. He is a former white supremeasicst fundamentalist Christian. (He has changed) Im Sicilian and I come from a socialist union family. We affectionately call each other Whitey and Halfbreed :) My friends dont like him, although most of them haven't even met him. He is sullen and sad but when he smiles its like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. Hes got a sense of honor, and he doesnt lie.

Trauma strikes all kinds of people, maybe we as a society, all need to work together to take responsibility for that. My life is richer because Winter is a part of it, and if he left me tomorrow, It would break my heart, but I would still have gained something from knowing him.

 

[GRANOLA]

@Albatross "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy", sounds interesting and something I will research.

The one thing I have found with this messed up thing called "ptsd", is "thought traps". When I am feeling fairly functional, I am a rational decisive thinker. When I am not well I do the whole spinning things in my head, second guessing and yes I am totally flawed. I always find talking to my T or looking at my diagrams on distorted thinking helps me get back on track. Recognizing when I am in a negative head space took time and therapy.

@bell There is always hope! When its raining we hope for sunshine, when its hot,dry and sunny we hope for rain. That is life. You just have to keep doing the best you can and never stop trying new things.

When I have met the special people in my life it was purely by happenstance. A random turn of events, it could be through work, school, therapy or even death. You have to live your life and treat people how you want to be treated. Being open minded and optimistic helps, the rest to me is fate.

Thanks for letting me ramble.:)
GRANOLA

 

[The Albatross]

Going through my books, I found my copy of "Rebt for People with Co-occurring Problems: Albert Ellis in the Wilds of Arizona", it is a keeper and I intend to do a re-read this fall or winter.