I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I wake up several times throughout the night and get scared. My boyfriend is the type of guy who gets hot or uncomfortable when cuddling too much so he tends to scoot away and face the other way, hugging his pillow. It actually makes me really angry. I'm that person who needs to be cuddled and comforted throughout the entire night. I've told him this, but because he is asleep, he can't monitor it constantly you know? But I still get so mad at him. This morning I woke up and looked over, he was facing me but his stupid pillow was in between us. I tried to just kind of lay my head on the pillow and put my arm around him. He grunted, tried to roll over away from me, at that point my little dog got in the way of his trying to avoid my snuggs and so he grabbed her and she squealed. He hurt her, not on purpose, but it made me so livid I couldn't see straight. I jumped out of bed, went outside, he didn't even notice how angry I was. Or maybe he did and just didn't care. But anyway, aside from this morning, this is happening daily. I just want him to cuddle with me and he just doesn't want to cuddle. How can I fix this? How can I level out my extreme need for affection and my anger that comes when he doesn't fulfill that need? I'm so conflicted. I feel safer and more secure and can sleep better when he has his arms around me. But he apparently can't sleep unless he is humping his lumpy pillow. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be a chill, understanding girlfriend and not get so worked up about small stuff like this.
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Am I Too Demanding?
- Post starter Mariah
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I'm a person who needs a lot of cuddles. Some people just don't do well with cuddles, particularly when they're asleep. I didn't sleep for about 6 months in one of my former relationships because my partner was a no sleep cuddle sort of person. If a compromise of cuddles before sleep and then distance isn't sufficient for you (and it isn't for me, that's not a judgement thing) then it may be an incompatibility. You have to decide how many incompatibilities you can handle to be with someone. That's not something anyone else can decide for you, but just like any other sleep habits- snoring, restless sleeping, sleep talking- you can't "fix" it.
It's not about being needy or demanding. It's about the fact that you're at opposite ends of the spectrum. I mean, is he being needy because he wants space when he sleeps? This isn't a judgement thing, it's just fact that you both require very different things to sleep comfortably that the other may not be able to provide.
It's not about being needy or demanding. It's about the fact that you're at opposite ends of the spectrum. I mean, is he being needy because he wants space when he sleeps? This isn't a judgement thing, it's just fact that you both require very different things to sleep comfortably that the other may not be able to provide.
I don't think it's demanding. But as Kefire said its an incompatibility issue. He doesn't cuddle when sleeping, you want to. Its not personal you just both have different preferences.
I don't cuddle while sleeping. Its partially I can't people touching me (trauma stuff) and its partially I get really warm. My husband likes to cuddle. He's learned its not personal. I cuddle him before we go to sleep and because he falls asleep quickly he usually falls asleep and then I roll over to my side of the bed.
I think the anger is slightly unreasonable because you are angry at something he can't control. But you also understand that. And we can't always help the way we feel. Ultimately though this anger and the lack of cuddles will continue to be an issue. So you really have to decide if you can compromise on this or maybe find someone who wants to cuddle more.
I don't cuddle while sleeping. Its partially I can't people touching me (trauma stuff) and its partially I get really warm. My husband likes to cuddle. He's learned its not personal. I cuddle him before we go to sleep and because he falls asleep quickly he usually falls asleep and then I roll over to my side of the bed.
I think the anger is slightly unreasonable because you are angry at something he can't control. But you also understand that. And we can't always help the way we feel. Ultimately though this anger and the lack of cuddles will continue to be an issue. So you really have to decide if you can compromise on this or maybe find someone who wants to cuddle more.
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This isn't a little thing, but you're phrasing it as a little thing.
Sleep is foundational. It's a big, huge, honking, deal. For both of you. You're not asking something little of him. You're asking him to completely change how he spends 1/3 of his life, that he's not even consciously aware of or has control over. That's as irrational as someone asking you to sleep through the night with no nightmares or wake ups just because they asked you to. Can you even imagine if your partner got furious, livid with you, every time you woke up?
How do you fix it? Either become okay with sleeping apart, since that's what he is able to do... Or break up with him.
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- #5
Okay, there's no need to be rude. Obviously I know I'm being irrational or I wouldn't be asking for advice on how to balance this out. I'm not asking people how I can get him to cuddle with me more. He tries. I get angry anyway. It is a part of my PTSD. You know, what this site is used for? Jeeze. I'm not going to dump him just because he doesn't cuddle with me all night. I'm asking how I can help myself. I don't like getting angry at him for something he can't control. Don't come on my thread just to tell me what I already freaking know, and in such a rude way.
Yes, you are being unreasonable.
I have VERY specific sleep needs and if some guy told me that he needed me to change them for him, I'd dump him. Yep, that's how finicky my body is when it comes to sleep.
So, why should he change for you? Yes not an all night cuddler so you need to find a way to get your sleep needs met without him and not get so mad when he doesn't cuddle you.
Ptsd is about getting our healing needs met on our own. That means you figure out a way to sleep that doesn't demand that your boyfriend cuddle you all night long.
I have VERY specific sleep needs and if some guy told me that he needed me to change them for him, I'd dump him. Yep, that's how finicky my body is when it comes to sleep.
So, why should he change for you? Yes not an all night cuddler so you need to find a way to get your sleep needs met without him and not get so mad when he doesn't cuddle you.
Ptsd is about getting our healing needs met on our own. That means you figure out a way to sleep that doesn't demand that your boyfriend cuddle you all night long.
Okay, but for you that's not really "just". That is the way you are able to get your sleep. It really is an incompatibility issue. Does that mean you can't find ways around it? No. But dismissing and minimizing your own needs OR his needs isn't going to help either.
I don't read anything on this thread as someone being rude or dumping on your thread. You asked if we thought you were being demanding, we answered and explained our reasoning. And some tried to challenge you to see it at a different angle. Sometimes viewing things from a different approach can be helpful. Everyone here has taken time to respond to you and nobody is attacking you. Don't get upset if you don't like the response, take what's helpful and say thanks but not helpful to the rest.
I'm not aware of the need to be cuddled all night long or anger ensues as being a PTSD symptom. But I don't know your trauma and everyone has different stressors so its totally possible. You'll have to work through it the same as any other anger/negative emotion. Think on why this feels so important to you. How is it tied into your trauma? Is this a need to feel safe that wasn't met previously? Identify this issue. Then work on THAT. Hopefully you can work to be less angry. It's also good to practice CBT or mindfulness when angry to think "I feel angry because I woke up and wasn't being cuddled. But my boyfriend meets me emotional needs via xyz and this isn't something he can control." Identify good ways he meets your desire for affection when awake and try to talk your anger down.
That's the best I can offer. As I said before I'm not really a cuddler. And I kind of think that affection while the person is unconscious isn't really affection. I'd rather be awake and be choosing to be affectionate than asleep and cuddled up to the nearest warm body. But that's just my 2 cents.
I'm not aware of the need to be cuddled all night long or anger ensues as being a PTSD symptom. But I don't know your trauma and everyone has different stressors so its totally possible. You'll have to work through it the same as any other anger/negative emotion. Think on why this feels so important to you. How is it tied into your trauma? Is this a need to feel safe that wasn't met previously? Identify this issue. Then work on THAT. Hopefully you can work to be less angry. It's also good to practice CBT or mindfulness when angry to think "I feel angry because I woke up and wasn't being cuddled. But my boyfriend meets me emotional needs via xyz and this isn't something he can control." Identify good ways he meets your desire for affection when awake and try to talk your anger down.
That's the best I can offer. As I said before I'm not really a cuddler. And I kind of think that affection while the person is unconscious isn't really affection. I'd rather be awake and be choosing to be affectionate than asleep and cuddled up to the nearest warm body. But that's just my 2 cents.
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<laughing> In the first place... I'm sitting here in the sunshine, kicked back on my deck with a cold drink, having an awesome morning, in no way even attempting to be rude. If you mean my post, then you're reading tone & intent in my post that honestly isn't there... And I didn't read any rudeness in any of the posts above mine, either.
Second place, there's no way I can know that you know you're being irrational, or view differing sleep needs as a big deal, or that the anger is unfair... When you say the exact opposite. Several times. All any of us have got to work with here is what you tell us. Which until you said otherwise was that you were livid, and that this is a little thing. Not just by repeated use of the word "just" but also flat out here
It doesn't mean you have to break up with someone, but all big ticket items are legitimate things to break up over.
Which does, by the way, explain the anger. This is a thing that, even if everything else is perfect, could split the two of you up. Of course there's fear & anger over that. Especially if everything else is amazing. The anger isn't the irrational part. The irrational part is where the anger is unfairly directed, and at minimizing both your needs & his at the same time.
Rationally... It's not I just want this tiny inconsequential thing and he can't even give me that (and insert what would be justifiable anger if this were a little thing, and he was blowing you off).
Rationally... It IS... This is a big deal to me, and it's not something he can realistically provide, so I've got a really big problem.
Second place, there's no way I can know that you know you're being irrational, or view differing sleep needs as a big deal, or that the anger is unfair... When you say the exact opposite. Several times. All any of us have got to work with here is what you tell us. Which until you said otherwise was that you were livid, and that this is a little thing. Not just by repeated use of the word "just" but also flat out here
& here
It doesn't mean you have to break up with someone, but all big ticket items are legitimate things to break up over.
Which does, by the way, explain the anger. This is a thing that, even if everything else is perfect, could split the two of you up. Of course there's fear & anger over that. Especially if everything else is amazing. The anger isn't the irrational part. The irrational part is where the anger is unfairly directed, and at minimizing both your needs & his at the same time.
Rationally... It's not I just want this tiny inconsequential thing and he can't even give me that (and insert what would be justifiable anger if this were a little thing, and he was blowing you off).
Rationally... It IS... This is a big deal to me, and it's not something he can realistically provide, so I've got a really big problem.
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joeylittle
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Have you tried getting a body pillow? Or snuggling with your little dog?
ETA: I think you are being unreasonable if the only way you can get your needs met depends on another person. That's why I'm suggesting trying some other cuddling objects, as a way to see if you can meet your needs for yourself.
ETA: I think you are being unreasonable if the only way you can get your needs met depends on another person. That's why I'm suggesting trying some other cuddling objects, as a way to see if you can meet your needs for yourself.
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- #12
I have had my dog since soon before my accident and my assault. This is the first relationship I've been in since. It's very different and it's very difficult. I haven't slept well for a long time. My pup is a fantastic snuggler but because of my bf's roommate I can't usually have her over. I only could this week because he was away. What really ticked me off this morning was he made her cry trying to avoid both of us. I love to cuddle both of them that's when I feel the best, the safest and the most loved. I hate being selfish of course and I'm trying to work on it. I've talked to my therapist about this. It's difficult. Guess I just wasn't really expecting the "get over it" reaction from so many on a PTSD support forum. I KNOW I'm irrational it was my bad for putting my post in a question format but I was really asking how I can calm my anger and my need for affection because I know I cannot ask him to change. OBVIOUSLY lol while he's passed out....I don't want to be like this
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