Am i wasting my time?

[barefoot]

I’ve been seeing my therapist for four years this summer and that realisation really stresses me out and I feel a bit crap about it. It feels too long because my “traumas” aren’t that bad and I feel that I should be doing this (therapy) better.

I realise that these are not particularly helpful thoughts to have but it’s where I am at the moment - that I should somehow be trying harder and doing better.

I have made some good progress. For example, I used to dissociate a lot but this has really improved and now rarely happens.

But there is something that seems to have stayed the same and it’s really frustrating and leaves me feeling so stuck. I just get in my own way so much of the time when we’re talking about more difficult topics.

It feels like when we’re doing surface level chit chat or lighter, practical here and now work, I can be myself, I am articulate, I am engaged, I can be in relationship with her, it feels good to be there talking things through with her.

When we start getting into more difficult stuff though, it’s like flicking a switch and “the real me” pretty much instantly leaves the room and is replaced by either:

• a version of me who is emotionally overwhelmed, frightened and can’t physically speak
• or a version of me who seems to act like some kind of gatekeeper, feeling angry with my T who is trying to get closer and nudge me to talk about things and being determined to shut her down and make her back off.

Neither of these seem to be conducive to doing any meaningful therapeutic work! I am either too scared, overwhelmed and frozen to speak or else I’m stuck in angry ice queen mode, staring my T down and giving her the silent treatment in a bid to make her stop poking around.

I don’t mean to do either of these things and I don’t want to do either of these things. I want to “do the work” including the deeper work but I can’t seem to get past these blocks. Which are me - I am the blocks. I can’t seem to control them and it’s beyond frustrating.

Does anyone have any reassurance that I can overcome this or any advice around how to do so?

Or, realistically, is it time I called it a day because I am just repeatedly getting in my own way and preventing myself from doing the work I need to do?

 

[Suzetig]

Or maybe have a break, try a different T or a different healing process - sometimes in long term therapy the relationship can get in the way a bit and it can be worth trying something/someone else.

 

[barefoot]

I genuinely don't think it's about her though. I know I've posted on here before about a couple of our past ruptures, one of which was pretty major for me, so I get why some of you probably think a new T is the answer. And I'm not saying there's never been anything challenging about the relationship - I have certainly been upset with her few times over the years and I do find the therapeutic relationship/dynamic in general very difficult. But I really don't think this is about her specifically.

I've done all this stuff from the start with her - way, way before we ever had a rupture. I also had the same experience when I had a coach a couple of years ago. And I had the same thing when I had some short term NHS counselling for depression 20 years ago.
So, if I changed therapists, I'm pretty sure the same thing would come up again.

I'm actually wondering whether part of the difficulty for me is that therapy is a "caring profession" and most of the work we do together is related to historical experiences with other caring professions - doctors and teachers. Sometimes, when I'm anxious, triggered, flooded, overwhelmed etc - and I guess that's when the experiences I wrote about above seem to take control - I think I sort of lump her in with all of them...they're all not to be trusted, they're all manipulative, none of them really care and none of them are actually taking care of me. But, again, it's not specifically about her...just what she represents... I remember one time when I was triggered and starting to dissociate, I repeatedly referred to her as a doctor and got increasingly anxious and agitated. I don't know whether this is a complete explanation, but there is something around this, I think, that jangles and triggers fear and mistrust.

a different healing process

Yeah, maybe this is something for me to think about. Maybe talk therapy isn't the best way forward for me...seeing as I often find it so hard to talk!

 

[MyWillow]

I think this rotten stuff needs multiple approaches @barefoot but I do think talk therapy has it’s place. I forgot my first 6 months of therapy so I’m not counting that hahahah

Lack of trust? I’m starting to think that is just normal. But a good T can work with that instead of fighting it. In my very limited experience I think I have a damn good T.

Trauma Sensitive Yoga is my current complimentary weekly effort. I hate it slightly less than I did the last 3 terms lol which kinda tells me I badly need it. I also do Pilates and train my dogs as mindfully as possible. The latter is much easier than yoga!!! Plus massage plus trying to do the whole down time thing. Bring stupidly busy and over committed is my coping mechanism.

 

[Mach123]

I feel like you answered your own question and you are very adept. I found out that I used to go to therapy and the abuser would look across at the therapist and say "you can talk to him all you want but you'll never see me." You are way beyond that. Now you have said it out loud to us. (or to me?) She is waiting for you to be ready to do this and by making this post I sense you are so now go do it. You already know what you have to do and it's going to hurt but you have to do it. (you already know all this) Please don't take offense I feel sure about this so I am saying it very positively because I experienced it myself and had these conversations with my therapist already. You are in a good place and you are ready to move forward. I'm happy for you. : ) It's scary. But it is the fear that kept us silent, that wouldn't let us tell. When you go through it some more, more of your voice will come back. You can't force it but it comes out when it's ready.

 

[Suzetig]

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her specifically but if you’ve been in therapy for years on years and don’t see significant change it’s reasonable to change. A new therapist will have a different approach, personality, will see things in you that your current T might not and is staring at a different point.

To use a different example, when someone goes into a job from leaving school, wet behind the ears and needing lots of support it’s often hard later for colleagues to see them differently - because the relationship started when the person was young and they’ve grown up gradually. So, they often need to move or get a new job to fully appreciate how much they’ve learned because no one treats them like a school leaver any more.

Changing T isn’t about your T doing anything wrong, I know I’ve needed disproportionate at different points in my journey. It may be worth thinking about why you’re so defensive of this T when you don’t think therapy is doing what you need just now. It’s not about her not being a good T, or you not doing therapy properly, it’s about you being st a point where something or someone different might help more.

 

[Intrepid]

they're all not to be trusted, they're all manipulative, none of them really care and none of them are actually taking care of me.

That's one of the things that made it really hard. I had a bad therapist once who because of the timing set the stage for my trust of other therapists. Of course the trauma also had its impact on my lack of trust. I told this to my current therapist and she really focused on the safety of the therapy. For about 8 weeks that's all we worked on.
Besides that, therapy is hard. It's like physical therapy. The therapist pushes you to work on those parts that are injured and you come out aching and never wanting to go back. But you do because you want to heal.

 

[blackemerald1]

@barefoot

but there is something around this, I think, that jangles and triggers fear and mistrust.

Tell her this! Tell her what you are thinking. She might be able to push through your defensive mechanisms (she is probably aware of them anyway). Ask her how to help you drop your guard and deal with the big issue's you are aware that you are avoiding. Or at least ask her to push through your blocking and get to the stuff you think your are hiding or avoiding.

It might become very uncomfortable for you but it's worth a shot. What have you got to lose?

 

[scout86]

That sounds like the "parts" my T is always talking about. (And that I really don't get, yet.)

You might want to share that whole post with her. That whole internal debate might be worth working on.

 

[barefoot]

@MyWillow that’s a really good point re physical activity/exercise. I got into a good routine of exercising last year, including going to a Pilates class the day after my therapy session. It helped to get my body moving and complementented the work I was doing in therapy with regards to getting more of a connection to my body. I have now totally fallen off the wagon with going to the gym and Pilates class - I haven’t set foot in the gym so far in 2018! I think it would be a good idea for me to get back to that. I like the sound of your yoga too. My T suggested restorative yoga to me ages ago but I couldn’t find anyone who offers it in my area. A real pity because I liked the sound of it but I think it would be counter-productive if it will take me an hour and a half on public transport each way to do it!
Ok...so...must get a new routine going for exercise and get back to the Pilates class.

@Mach123 - do you mean I’ve answered my own question by identifying something possibly around the “caring professions” and now I should discuss that with my T? Or do you mean that, now I have recognised that these two aspects of me (the scared, frozen one and the gatekeeper) show up to get in the way in sessions, I can bring that up with my T?

if you’ve been in therapy for years on years and don’t see significant change it’s reasonable to change

It’s not that I don’t see any significant change. I’ve made a lot of progress, particularly around dissociation, my connection with my body, boundaries, depression, self-care/healthy coping mechanisms, my work life (three years ago I wasn’t functional enough to work, now I run my own business), medical stuff...

The thing I am currently really struggling to overcome is my tendency to either get triggered and feel afraid and go mute, or to get very defensive when we touch into something raw. Even that is, I guess, some kind of change...the defensiveness/resistance has been there from the start with her but the fearful aspect has been more of a recent development because, before, I would have just dissociated as soon as I got triggered or felt anything. These days, I stay present and keep my head in the room so I get to feel the fear, which has been quite a new - and unnerving - experience!

It may be worth thinking about why you’re so defensive of this T when you don’t think therapy is doing what you need just now

I honestly don’t think I am being defensive of her. As you know, there have been times when I have been very upset with her and times when I don’t think she’s handled something well - I have posted openly about those things here.

I haven’t posted about the great sessions we’ve had, the times she has gone above and beyond for me, the times she has been instrumental in me making a huge shift and the support she has given me then. Because I don’t need to post to tell people here that I’m doing well or that I’ve had a major breakthrough or that my T has really helped me this week or whatever. I post here when there’s something going on that I’m struggling with and that I need some help with. So, if I am coming across as defensive of her I think it is simply that I am mindful of the fact that I have probably not painted a very balanced, whole picture of her and our relationship here over time - it will be skewed to the challenging times.

I do hear what you’re saying about a different T having a different approach, personality, modality etc and that I’d be starting afresh with them and starting in a different position now that I am further along in “my journey.” I’m just not sure whether that’s the issue here.

The fact that these patterns I’ve identified in my OP have kicked in with my current T, my only other counsellor 20 years ago, a couple of coaches, even on a writing course a couple of weeks ago and even with my partner of 19 years whenever she asks about how I’m feeling...suggests to me that this is something about me and not about each of those individuals.

And I suspect everything I’ve written here now probably comes off as defensive...because that’s what tends to happen when you try to prove that you’re not being defensive! :rolleyes::)

 

[Suzetig]

I don’t think you’re being defensive at all - I hear you questioning whether this part of you will ever change, while also acknowledging that it has changed. I wonder if you saw all of the things you describe as being symptoms of the same thing it might help?

So, on a line from not ever evening thinking about talking about your trauma, to being able to talk about it openly and freely without emotional impact rather than it being one or the other. So, avoidance, dissociation, anxiety, “getting in the way of yourself”, emotional flooding, selective mutism are all part of the same continuum. You’ve moved past dissociation and are a bit stuck at the next station, but you’ve moved before and you will again. Do have a look at all of the resources in your toolkit, exercise, mindfulness, relaxation, self care, journaling, work, relationships and see what’s working to help or hinder you - maybe try something new. Think about what helped you over the last hurdle and try more of that.

A therapy break might help, someone new might help, doing more of what you’re doing might help, a new regime might help. It’s all about using all the tools at your disposal and maybe gaining some new ones.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry, I didn’t see some other posts when I posted before!

Also can’t seem to “like” anyone’s responses on my iPad at the moment. Sorry about that - I would like them all if I could and very much appreciate you all taking the time to reply and help work this frustration through with me.

@Intrepid - I’m sorry you had that experience with a previous therapist. It’s so difficult when someone abuses their position of trust and that can have such a long term impact. I’m glad that you have found a new therapist who has been willing and able to work hard to build a strong sense of safety with you.

@blackemerald1 - I’ve had the thought of there maybe being something around the fact that she is a “caring professional” - and therefore not to be trusted - before and always dismissed it and told myself I was being silly. I even said about it to my partner ages ago and she encouraged me to tell my therapist but I didn’t because I felt like a bit of an idiot! Also, I don’t really know how I’d say it. How do I say that I’m lumping someone who is trying to help me into the same category as those who abused my trust and, as it turns out, caused a lot of harm?

@scout86 - ha! Yeah...the whole “parts” thing...something I don’t really get yet either and the thought of it makes me kind of anxious. But it does seem to be causally rearing its head a bit lately. I actually spent time in yesterday’s session talking about the scared, frozen part but totally avoided using the word part and then my T didn’t use it either - presumably, because I hadn’t. If we had, it probably would have been a more straightforward conversation! But it’s something I feel uncomfortable with, though I’m not sure why.

It’s funny (strange, not hilarious) because I was telling T yesterday about a feeling I’d been feeling these past few weeks (sadness) and how that feeling seems to relate to this scared frozen version of me, which got triggered in a session a couple of months back and I’d had this feeling floating around since then. And my big concern before the session was that, by talking about that scared, frozen “part”, I would trigger that part and feel fearful and sad and get overwhelmed and go mute. What actually happened was that that part didn’t show up - but as I talked more about it, it was this other gatekeeper type defender that showed up big time.

It is a really uncomfortable concept for me...but there is something interesteting about how it is cropping up lately in my awareness/the process. Perhaps you’re right and that I need to be bold and be specific with my therapist about this being something I want to look at. Yesterday, I said I wanted us to look at the sadness. Maybe it’s more to the point that I need to look more at these different parts and what they’re doing/what they’re for/what they need etc. I think I am going to have to clearly say I want to do it because I think my T treads very carefully around this and the terminology since the first time she really brought it up and casually threw the idea of parts and inner child into our conversation, it went really badly - I said some very unkind things about my inner child and said I wanted to kill it or at least sell it on eBay and then I dissociated for the rest of the session! So I think she will be waiting to follow my lead on where I decide to take this over the next sessions - I don’t think she will be merrily leadin the way to inner childs land and partsville!