General Am I Wrong For This?

[Omi81]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this,and thank you all in advance.
My boyfriend (iraq vet) and i have been together for almost 3months. I have known him for over a year,but just started dating. He hasnt had a job,school or any extra curricular activities since before I started to date him. When we agreed to date, he seemed so motivated to find a job and get into school. Its at the point where we get into petty arguments and become bored with nothing to really do because he wont let me pay for things but he has no stable income. Besides our relationship he has burden from his family and is just all over the place emotionally,not knowing what he really wants to do. He refuses to take meds , therefore, stopped seeing his doc. At first i felt like I was a motivation, but as of late I feel like more of a distraction and making him loose focus on getting himself where he would like to be.Being that our relationship is fairly new, i suggested that we fell back a little from each other, so he could focus on doing what he reallyb wants. He says he doesnt want a break and that he feels as if im giving up on him/us. I told him i'd still be around just not so much that he loses focus. He also said that I am the best thing in his life right now, and that he is afraid of being alone. I am starting to question the real reasons as to why he is with me/so attached. I asked him questions about me and his interests and I got all the wrong answers, very disappointing to find out that he wasnt so attracted to me after all but the qualities which matter o him which are patience and caring. i dont know what to do , as I am feeling guilty of turning my back on him like everyone else has. Help.

 

[Shoka]

Hi Omi81,

Welcome to the forum.

What is it that you need to do for you right now? From your post ,it sounds to me like your focus is heavily on him and that you need a break. I can certainly related to the situation.

Take care of yourself first, I know that may sound selfish to you, but should your relationship continue you will need your strength.

Shoka

 

[2quilt]

Yes, I agree to take care of yourself first. But also, I would encourage your veteran to try the VA again, with a different doc if he doesnt like the first one, try a support group, try a different medication if he doesn't like the first one. Ask him if he thinks he needs help, mental health care help, or not. He has to want help for this to work. When he is ready to get help, help him seek it out.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You can't sustain a relationship merely on patience and caring, there is a lot more involved in a healthy relationship......

To me, it sounds like what he sees in you is stability, someone safe....That's fine, but you should be more to him that that......

I too think that you need to take care of you, listen to your gut feeling about this situation and make your decision based on what you feel.

I also think that with him stopping his meds, and not seeing anyone concerning his PTSD......This is not a good sign at all... He is either in denial, or thinks he can handle this on his own...He can't!!!!!! He needs professional help, and until he admits to this, there isn't much that you can do........

I wish you well....

 

[Omi81]

Thank you all. As I read and took it all in, I agree that I need to take care of myself first. I am feeling like a rock in a hard place because he just won't let go, and this sounds like the opposite to how other sufferers react. I will continue reading and learning, I appreciate all of your support. Thanx.

 

[Cate]

You have to make sure you're putting yourself first. And he's responsible for asking for his own help. You can't do it for him.