Am I Wrong

[Avenger35]

Ok, I get it! After eating a shit load of humble pie and a long ass talk with the wife, I get it! I have a lot of work to do to fix things. I guess I just think that when things are going along so well that I don't have to work so hard but now I see that that is when I should be working harder.
I thought I had a pretty good handle on everything but according to my wife I am back sliding. She sais she hates chewing my head off but it seems the only way she can get shit through to me. VA reps are coming to my work soon so going to stop in and talk to them. Meanwhile I asked my therapist to see me sooner if he could so we will see what comes of it.
I looked all over for my Intro. Not sure what happened to it but here is my Info again. Went NG when I was 19 as 11B, a year later went active Duty and was stationed in Germany. Spent 6 years there and was stationed at Ft Lewis. Met my wife, got off active duty, then went NG again. That is where I was at when I was deployed with 81st BDE, A CO 161. 3rd PLT to Iraq in 04-05 for OIF( Operation Enduring Freedom) Got out a year after getting back and have never looked back. Wife sais I should go back in to finish my last 3 for a retirement but not sure if my marriage or I would survive another deployment.
There is the skinny of it all. I guess I will be coming around more and seeing what I can learn to deal better with my PTSD.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Avenger

Realizing that a problem exists is the first step it fixing it. It's not a straight line graph as far as progress goes with improving either your relationship with your wife or your PTSD. I'd say this though, someone that's spent 16 years with you and is still there is worth walking through a lake of fire for. Like all things, it's one day at a time. Best of luck and if I've been remiss in my posts, Welcome to forums Bro.

JarHed

 

[Wagon]

Hey Avenger. Nicely done. Everyone backslides. It's gettin back up that counts.

Welcome.

 

[Avenger35]

Thanks Guys!

 

[Jimmy1]

Backslides sound kind of erotic doesn't it????

Thanks for the Intro Avenger. None of us here are aware of exactly how we portray ourselves. We think we are doing the right thing but unless our other halves or good mates tell us different, we are heading in the right direction. Hope you get my meaning.

 

[Wagon]

Backslides sound kind of erotic doesn't it????

Yeah, what the hell was that? Been in Norway way too long. Damn square heads.

 

[Avenger35]

I don't know where my brain was but I was in Operation Iraqi Freedom, not Enduring Freedom. That would be the wifes gig!

 

[Spock]

Welcome...I was AD, AGR & Reserve...you should take a hard look at locking in that retirement since DoD might be taking a break from the mass deployments for awhile...the NG might be safe for 3 years. There aren't many pensions anymore. But have a serious talk with the wife and be sure you know your triggers well if you do.

 

[steviebeegee]

personally ive never married or even had kids in the army there were constant one offs or short term relationship due to moving around alot. once i had left the army my relationships became longer, being emotionally detached i loved her for who she was but being tender and romantic was false for me nd but on a great show for years. in my ptsd first aid kit i noticed a self destruct button. once pressed everything was being pushed away i mean we had a great life together a nice house two cars and a dog, which all of a sudden i started to spiral down wards to the point it wrecked everything even to the point of cheating as i felt so dead inside this only made it worse for myself not that she every found out but i thought it would give me a spark which it didnt get. she eventually left me i took to the bottle for ages then managed to sort myself despite admitting to myself i did infact love her in some way and missed her, but deep down inside i new it was my own fault. has anyone ever heard of the term self destruct then dont go there as you think life is bad enough then it goes down a hell of alot more making it harder to climb out of that hole you dug for yourelf.

 

[Jimmy1]

Stevie, we have all been down in that hole your talking about swimming in shit, trying to keep our head afloat. You get out, start climbing that ladder, you get a fair way up and 'SNAP' a rung breaks and you end up down where you started. You will get there eventually mate.

Anthony has posted some stuff on this and I don't know where right now, but a lot of us have experienced exactly or similar. I think the military takes away the feelings side of emotions side of things, not PTSD. You are not allowed to smile, you are not allowed to grieve, etc, unless you are told to. Spend enough time in that scenario and it's ingrained and takes a lot to deprogram.

I had a 'Red Button' my second wife said I used to press just prior to a large exercise or deployment, my explanation was sort of 'If I make them hate me enough, they won't miss me', well it worked, she screwed around on me.

Now the emptiness thing, my son used to say I went out 'Tom-catting', and the amount of women I brought home was f*cked up when I look at it now. I suppose I was looking to see if I could find any spark of feeling there, but couldn't.

Then one day I had enough. I cleaned myself up and stopped searching. Well, love actually found me and now I am married again.

I have tried to push Margaret away too when I have been hurting, but she is a wise woman and just stands there and tells me it's not fair on her and that she should have a say in it. I really don't have an answer. So I go and have my pity party and get back to life.

 

[steviebeegee]

thank jimmy for the understanding yeah defo agree its hard to get back up then just when crawling out you slip back down. i had another relationship while working voluntary for a military charity and she was cheif executive when on on for a four year then everything started caving in. know i just look after my dog who makes me happy, ive been on a few sites looking but have given up and just concentrate on the dog as i would rather meet someone for the right reasons im not in a hurry. thank jimmy