An accountability thread due to my relationship with my ex-therapist

[Bird33]

It was suggested I start an accountability thread to help me pull away from the unhealthy relationship I have with my ex-therapist. I was told to link it to the beginning thread here >>> Was my therapist now my best friend

I am trying to set up some boundaries with her and I would love some help.

I will say I am not ready to stop the relationship completely. I am trying to pull back slowly.
These are the things I have done in the last few weeks:

• I have stopped texting her and I am only responding to her texts.
• I have told her I was unable to meet her a few times (that has never happened before)
• I am trying to focus more on my family, marriage, work and other friendships.
• I keep talking to myself, saying I don't need her and I have no expectations (it's kind of torture)
• I have been putting my phone away, when I can, so I just don't focus on if she is texting me

The problem is we don't go more than a day without contact. She will text me everyday. I feel she is just as desperate for the relationship. I will be okay for a while and I will be pulling back then she will say "I love you or I miss you." When I hear that it pulls me back in and I want to hear it again.

She texted me last night and wants to walk this weekend. The relationship is great and torture all at the same time. Its so confusing.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Bird!
That is so brave of you. It is really good to see you making so many changes. It takes a lot of courage.
Here is a link to your other thread:
Was my therapist now my best friend

Those are amazing steps.

She texted me last night and wants to walk this weeken

Is there anything you could do to help with

When I hear that it pulls me back in and I want to hear it again

What is going on when you do that?

• I keep talking to myself, saying I don't need her and I have no expectations (it's kind of torture)

Can you add to that what you deserve instead? So that you aren't just left feeling something is being taken away?

 

[Bird33]

@Abstract thank you! This has been a difficult journey. We have been friends for 3 years now and I have known her for 5.

When she pulls me back in with the love you’s and the I miss you’s, I’m not sure why. I hear that from other important people in my life so I am not sure why I need it from her so much. But it’s a need, I try to resist it but it’s very difficult.
I think about her a lot and I am trying to change that. I don’t know why this is such a difficult thing for me. I wish I was stronger and could just cut her off. I wish I understood this need more so I could figure it out.

I will add what I deserve.
I deserve someone who understands what she did and how it is affecting me. I derserve this relationship to be about my needs too not just what she needs and when. I deserve to be able to be honest with her and not worry she won’t be able to handle it. I deserve peace. I didn’t ask for this relationship and I wasn’t looking for it. I deserve to get the whole thing out of my head so I can work on the issues I went to therapy for.

 

[shimmerz]

A relationship that is truly great never includes the word torture. Sounds like you have a hell of a conflict going on in your mind. I suggest pondering what the highest regard would be to your personal self in this relationship. Why would you want to subject yourself to a torturous relationship?

 

[Bird33]

@shimmerz it’s torturous bc I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it. I want to stop but I can’t.

 

[Abstract]

How did it go Bird? Did you manage to stop yourself going?

I think it might be worth looking at what a healthy t and friend relationship would look like. Have you done this with your new t?

 

[Nessa7]

You're making some good progress. I think you can also add to your list that you've made the decision to remove this person from your life. That alone is a really big step.

If a day is too big of a goal for right now, it might be helpful to reframe that goal as wanting to go any increment of time longer than the last time. Every time you can wait a little bit longer it is a victory. This is something that I started to do with a compulsive behavior of mine, and it helped me quite a lot and I've started using it in other aspects of my life.

 

[Bird33]

@Abstract i did tell her I couldn’t go at the time she wanted and she said to meet at another time so I am going. And I will be honest we talked a little more yesterday and that drew me back a bit. Ugh.....

@Nessa7 yes that makes sense to add that piece. I think that’s a good idea to do small increments. I think that is the way I am going to have to approach it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask if it’s normal in your culture for friends to be saying “I love you” on a regular basis?

Because in mine, it’s not. It would be considered love bombing...

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington i live in the United States. My friends and I tell each other we love each other pretty regularly but not nearly as much as my extherapist and I. It is definitely much more and feels more like a romantic relationship rather than a friendship. Without the physical relationship.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you considered a boundary of telling her of one day a week where you can't text or be in contact, so you can focus on family?

 

[hithere]

I apologize I haven't read the other comments in the thread prior to posting. I have a headache... so it's hard. However, I wanted to comment on your self-talk, "I don't need her. I have no expectations" etc. etc. When you do self-talk do you acknowledge the desire to want to see her, and the desire to hear her say she loves you. For example, a self-talk may be less "tough" by talking to yourself as you a young child "I know how much she means to you. She means a lot to me too. But you are strong and will be happy today to do these other things." Or, "I know you miss her, I miss her too. But it's ok to just know she cared. " Or, "I know you really want and need to see her, and that's ok. But it's not what is best for you right now." It's like having both wheels on a track-one track acknowledges the pain with no judgement what so ever, the other track says You are strong and happy.

Positive affirmations sound hokey, but they do work for me. Taking time out to weep or cry about it. Be as compassionate with yourself as you can be. I think what you are dealing with is very normal.

Also great job on the accountablity post. those are just my thoughts on the self-talk. Good Luck!