Was my therapist now my best friend

[Bird33]

I wanted to update what was going on. I am really trying to back away. I have been able to not go out with her when she called a few times. I have never been able to do that. I can do it for a little while but she keeps coming and texting. I need help to stay away and feel like I will be okay. I’m struggling.

 

[LuckiLee]

Block all of her numbers. Tell her you NEED to be left alone. If she can't abide by your wishes tell her you WILL report her to the proper authorities. (she's really pissing me off now!) Good luck. Be strong!

 

[Abstract]

need help to stay away and feel like I will be okay. I’m struggling.

Well done.
What about doing an accountability thread here just for this. At the start you can lay down your boundaries for yourself and then post each day checking in how you have done.
Totally agree with blocking the numbers. If you need to talk though what those boundaries should be for yourself you could discuss that here or in a thread of its own. It sounds like you are ready to take the next step so I think a new thread would be good.
Any time we challenge damaging stuff there tends to be a lot of intense feelings but if you hang in there this will be better in the longer term.

 

[Justmehere]

I have been able to not go out with her when she called a few times. I have never been able to do that. I can do it for a little while

Yes!!! Well done!!!

but she keeps coming and texting. I need help to stay away and feel like I will be okay. I’m struggling.

Wow, she really needs to find other friends and folks to be in her life.

Would it help to think about it as a good thing for her? Because it is a good thing for her to find other people for connection. Not a former client.

You are taking good steps in the right direction. It takes courage and s good heart to do that. It will be hard for awhile, and then it will get easier. You are on the right path to end up being better than just ok.

 

[Bird33]

@LuckiLee i can’t block her yet. I’m sorry I’m not there yet. I am trying to pull away a little bit at a time.
@Abstract what is an accountability thread. I think that would be helpful. Also I would like to go over boundaries bc that is what I am trying to establish.

@Justmehere thank you. That’s a good way to look at it that it will help her too.

I am just starting this. I started 3 weeks ago and it’s been going okay. I don’t know if I can do it. I’m really trying but I am struggling and I’m going to need a lot of help.

 

[Abstract]

@LuckiLee i can’t block her yet

That is totally understandable. Its great to let it sit in the back of your mind though maybe? Little steps.

what is an accountability thread

Just a thread you make specifically to help you be accountable to yourself. Often when we share and get lots of support it helps a lot to focus us on what we want to happen for us. All still you and about what you want. Maybe in the relationship forum? Think about what you are comfortable enough doing next, post what you intend (boundaries for yourself to put down) and then post and say how you did. Then when you are ready for the next step post and follow the same routine.
Maybe you can also add a link on the thread to this one.

and it’s been going okay.

That is truly amazing. It being painful doesnt detract from that at all.

I’m going to need a lot of help.

I am sure so many people on here would e very happy to support and try to help you with this. To cheer you on.

 

[EveHarrington]

You know how they say the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else?

Ok so this isn’t a sexual relationship but the same applies. If you can get involved with new people, the void of losing her won’t be as difficult.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm sorry! My gut reaction is to defend you and that probably came off a little harsh. I'm my guy's S/O, supporter, caregiver, friend, and advocate. If I have to I also act as a buffer between him and undue stress. Can you talk with your husband about this? Would he help you? I'm glad you're trying to figure this out. You can do it! XO

 

[Bird33]

@Abstract I will try that accountability thread and also try to link it to this one. I really appreciate the support from everyone. This relationship is really so complicated. We are so entwined I need to detangle. It’s just difficult because she is too. She won’t let more than a day go by without checking in so that’s making it difficult for me.

@EveHarrington I have been trying to concentrate on my other relationships. I’m really focusing on my marriage and my other friendships.

@LuckiLee don’t be sorry. I really appreciate your defense! I have talked with my husband in the past but it is kind of embarrassing. I feel so pathetic bc of this relationship with my extherapist and he saw my desperation last year. That’s was hard for him to see. He wants me to feel that way about him which is understandable. Like I can’t live without him, so it’s sort of difficult to talk to him about it.

 

[hithere]

I applaud you and your efforts. Going through withdrawal is painful. One thing I've done to help me with relationships that I was addicted to was to write out on a piece of paper what the "payoffs" are of being in the relationship. To spell out what I experience when I'm with this person or this person is in my life and what the payoff is. What are they filling? From what I have read so far this woman is probably the only living soul that you have "let in" to an area of your heart that was deeply wounded, perhaps from the csa. This is a young part of you, that was very lonely and in need for someone to care and protect you. I'm only guessing that you didn't let anyone near that, not even your husband or closest friends. But you let this women get in there and this wounded part started to "hope" and have all those wondeful feelings of love. (Love isn't just sexual) warm, fuzzies, and needy. This is not pathetic. This is part of being human.

So I'm going to guess that this ex therapist on one level knows exactly what she is doing, and you are providing a "fix" for her; some need she has for you to be emotionally dependant on her. I don't mean to sound so "hocus pocus" but manipulation is sometimes like a wicked form of witchcraft. (not the nice kind. I don't mean to offend any witches here!) That's why it's so hard, and why your current therapist expresses anger about it.

The next thing I did was write out what is the pain I feel when I am not getting my "fix" For example the pain of withdrawal is because the "fantasy" is dying. things like that. Naming those things myself and putting it on paper helped some. Then there is grief because the ex-t is not what you, or your young you, had hoped and believed. It hurts like a mother f*cker. I am not kidding, it hurts like hell. But the truth from what I reading is that the relationship is not life giving, but life sucking. She is effecting that wounded part, and activating it. She is not healing it. Only activating it, and that keeps you in this toxic relationship.

Keep going. It really is amazing that you were ABLE TO SAY NO when she asked to spend time with you! It sounds like you are growing and that is awesome. A good friend of mine is doing a Boundaries online class and getting a lot out of it. I think the guy's name is "Cloud" and my friend pays a small fee to take the class online and sometimes has to go back and redo the exercises. That may be helpful to you. It has been for my friend.

Best Wishes in this ever so painful journey. It's worth it.

 

[Abstract]

You are so welcome.

He wants me to feel that way about him which is understandable.

Can you talk about this more? What exactly did he say or do?

Did he raise any concerns about her actions?

 

[Bird33]

@hithere You are 100 percent correct she is the only soul I have let in. My best friend died of cancer and I was triggered by her cancer. My grandfather died of cancer and he was my abuser. I began having nightmares every night and was a wreck. A couple of my fiends noticed and suggested I go talk to someone that is how I started with my extherapist. With everyone else including my husband I have always said to myself I could live with out them and be fine. I felt like I would be okay if I just kept seeing my extherapist and it reminded me of the feeling I got when I saw my grandmother who was so instrumental in keeping me sane as a child. You are totally right I feel needy. I hate that feeling. I NEED to hear from her that I love you. I don’t need that from anyone else. When she says it I want to hear it again. Ugh, it’s so frustrating. It’s that need that keeps me going back. It’s a drug.
I do have fun with her but then there is this. I worry she knows all this about me and can do whatever she wants to get me to do what she wants.

I think you are right that the relationship is life sucking not life giving but I am so afraid to give it up just in case it could save me. The child part doesn’t want to be alone.


@Abstract My husband does not like her because of how our relationship started. He also doesn’t like her bc a year ago she did a number on me when she pulled back a little. I was a mess and my husband saw it. I showed him the texts that were going back and forth and I could see on his face the disappointment in me. I was basically begging my extherapist to not leave me. I felt desperate too, never really felt that way before. I felt like I was going to die if she left. I don’t ever want that feeling again so that’s another reason I keep going back. Now he thinks I have it under control, he still doesn’t love her but is okay with it.

An update, I heard from her late last night and she wants to walk this weekend.