Relationship An Interesting Case

[Aquaeyes]

Hi, I'm new.. And I'll try to keep this short and to the point.
I met a new guy. A marine vet.. Which I'm sure contributed to some PTSD, however, I believe his ex wife trying to kill him three times is what finally did him in.
He seems to be doing great, regardless. The trauma occurred 16-ish years ago and while I know it never truly leaves, he's quite an amazing person.
He's throughly confusing me though. Runs a bit hot and cold. We'll have an amazing day/night together and then the next day he's distant. I give him plenty of space. I imagine he has a jaded outlook on women. I heard the women he "dated" prior to me were "bar flys"...
I waited 8 months after I met him before giving him any time of day, it's the past 3 months we've actually been doing anything together.
So, I guess I'd like to figure out what to do, where I stand? Anyone else go through something similar?
I'm going a little insane dealing with this! Haha!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im a sufferer so might not be any good here but when Ive spent a bit of time with a guy, if i feel I like him, even if we had a good time; I push him away as hard as I can. Basically telling him in a sense to get the f*ck away from me.

Why?

Because I dont want him to leave. It makes sense to me because the longer he stays the worse it will hurt when he finally turns and bites; and he will...they all do; then if I push him away now before he can get too close.

I do this with every relationship; guys, friendship, family, even my therapist.

Its a leave them before they leave me thing.

He may have other reasons. I have other reasons too. That is just my main reason.

 

[Sighs]

Hi and welcome.

The push pull thing is very common for PTSD relationships. Some disappear. Others go radio silent. I live with my vet and he takes off into the mountains.

The main thing is to try to remember it's not about you. He's not avoiding you because of anything you've done. You have to be able to give him the space he needs. Or it's not going to work for you. Which is ok too. If you need different things from a relationship that doesn't make you a bad person.

Stick around - there a heap to learn here.

 

[Aquaeyes]

Im a sufferer so might not be any good here but when Ive spent a bit of time with a guy, if i...

I can understand that. I get terrified of ever becoming close to another man, too, because of what has happened in my past. So, maybe there's some of that showing on my end too.

 

[Aquaeyes]

Hi and welcome.

The push pull thing is very common for PTSD relationships. Some disappear. Others go rad...

Very helpful and somewhat of a relief to know its not me. Thank you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Many push away because they feel that those people will be better without them or at least that they are putting those people through a lot, pain, suffering that they wouldnt be if they werent there.

But I, a PTSD sufferer, and many, crave to be loved, to be touched, to have a significant other, (pull back). Thats a push/pull.

Thats in addition to pushing due to fear of abandonment, abandon them before they do me. That actually gets better the longer the person stays and shows they are worthy of trust, which can be a long time. But its the first part of the relationship for me, so the above would be more of me and a lot in a relationship, later.

 

[Aquaeyes]

Many push away because they feel that those people will be better without them or at least th...

Is there anything I can do to build trust, to show I'm really interested and see a future together? Thanks for your helpful insight.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is there anything I can do to build trust

Yes! For me (and for him or any one person this may differ) trust is built over time with the other showing that they are trustworthy.

So in the beginning im constantly pushing away and testing. If you think you can handle that, theres this....and this...and this. So its a constant flow of more and more of my past to see if they can handle it. That way if they cant, they leave early so it doest hurt so bad.

I also constantly push away. Get away from me, dont touch me, exploding, having a short fuse, going off, yelling and name calling. Anything i can do for him to throw up his hands and walks away.

Trust is built if you lasted all of that and reasonably handled it all well. To me that says that you're in it for the long run. You stayed through the craziest times.

Not sure if that helps any but thats what happens.

 

[Aquaeyes]

It does help! Thank you He's worth it, and I've been handling it well.. I just have to get out of my head and tak to people about it at times. But, for him I stay calm and collected and just do myself.