Anger Towards "wrong" Person?

[bluebird]

I couldn´t find anything about this topic... But I am wandering if somebody else is/was going through this...

Have you ever had that feeling? You just can not get angry. You are not able to feel anything negative. Your life is wonderful. Everything is alright. No anger at all. Not even a little bit. Just be a good girl and smile. Maybe cry, feel anxious - but don´t you ever dare to be angry. Don´t let anyone see. These overwhelming voices in my head.

...but now - something has changed. I feel something - and I guess it´s anger, I never felt that way before, but in my mind I want to scream and hit my best friend - I love him, it has nothing to do with him, these emotions have nothing to do with him... I know these belong to my abuser, but I can´t make the connection. Indstead, I feel anger towards my dear most beloved friend. I am scared of my love for him. I know he wouldn´t hurt me - but I am mad at him, because I somehow mix him with my abuser...

I told him I have these terrifying disgusting feelings. He told me it wasn´t my fault and also not to be afraid, that he loved me, no matter what. But... I just don´t want to confuse my beloved ones with my uncle who used to hurt me... It makes me feel deeply ashamed. Have you ever felt that way? How to get out of this? Is it a step in recognizing the anger you have been denying? Will I learn how to connect this emotion with childhood memories?Will this end? Any tips how long this would last? Thank you for your answers!

 

[Lucycat]

I have had times when my emotions have been very confused and mis-directed. I think you are right when you say you have been denying the emotions, so when they come they are overwhelming and confusing.

My brother was nothing to do with my abuse, but at one time I was having nightmares about sleeping with him. It terrified me, and scared me that somehow I was secretly craving a sexual relationship with my brother but did not know it. T said it was just my brain trying to sort out the huge confusion and not to worry about it. T never judged me on it, and it was good to be able to get it off my chest. Worrying about inappropriate thoughts and feelings is such a huge burden.

Just go with the flow. Acknowledge the emotions and feelings but do not act on them. Your best friend seems to have the right attitude and it is great that you can confide in him, and that he can support you through this. Do not be ashamed. Your brain is very busy at the moment. It will get better. I can't remember how long it lasted for me, it just seemed to transform into a different worry :rolleyes: as therapy progressed.

It is a very good question and I hope others will be able to share their experiences of this also. I don't think it is that uncommon!

 

[Ryn]

bluebird, your post resonates with me exactly!
I am generally a very calm, low-key, quiet person - I will get angry if people mess with my dog, but usually that's about it. ;) However several months ago I found myself lashing out with incredibly angry, hateful words at my best friend even though she had done absolutely nothing wrong. It was very intense and it terrified me - if you knew me you would never believe I was capable of being that cruel as it was completely uncharacteristic of me.

I'm afraid it took a major toll on the relationship, and though this was a while ago and we have since worked through it and my friend has been incredibly forgiving and patient, I still suffer from a lot of guilt when I think about it.

I think the term "emotional flashback" has helped me when trying to understand my behavior... I wasn't angry at her, I was just angry and scared and she was unfortunately an available target. I didn't realize at the time that my feelings were misdirected because it was truly my abuser I wanted to yell at. Additionally, I believe it was fueled by my BPD and also the medication I was on at the time, Wellbutrin, which made me an emotional basket case (more than I already was... lol :P )

I really respect you for trying to get to the bottom of this early on. Your situation and your friend sound similar to mine, and so I am hoping everything turns out okay. I know I would give anything to take back the angry words I spoke. :(

I am not sure what your situation is like, but I found that it was far easier for me to lash out at my friend via text, email, etc. We have since resolved that anytime we want to talk about more serious things or if either of us is feeling testy and on a short fuse, we need to continue that conversation on phone or Skype or in person. That boundary is enormously helpful - I find my friend's voice soothing and I have never spoken out in anger in that situation. Also, asking to step away from the conversation when you feel yourself struggling is a great tool to use and is totally okay, especially if you explain a bit - "I'm sorry, I'm feeling upset and I don't want to say anything I regret. Can we finish this conversation in a little bit?"

In the recent Hunger Games movie there was a quote: "Remember who the real enemy is." Anytime I start to feel the rage rising and am tempted to lash out at others, I look at a piece of paper with this quote on it. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that my friend isn't trying to hurt me - my abuser did that. My friend just wants to help. I am safe with her.

Thank you for your honesty and genuine good heart in this post. Good luck! <3

 

[Muruluisku]

Bluebird.. I'm sorry I don't have answers to that one, but just wanted to let you know I'm listening, and feeling for you cause it must be really confusing for you at the moment *hug*

I relate to the first part of your message. I'm NEVER angry... I don't remember ever being properly angry at anyone. And I am scared of people who show their anger because I worry they could hurt me or someone.

Ryn had very good advice about setting healthy boundaries and being honest with your friend when you're feeling the anger bubbling inside you.

He sounds wonderful, and I'm really glad you have him for support and affection.

Take care lovely Bluebird,
<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Thank you all for your answers... Well - my idea of being angry consists of saying a few words loudly and not as quietly as usually (most people don´t even hear me when I am talking in a "normal" way). It happens once in a month, I guess? And I feel horribly about that, although the people I talk to don´t even think I am angry. It wasn´t always that way, when I was like fifteen years old, I used to have arguments with my parents from time to time, but since then - I don´t remember myself shouting except for yelling at my brother who doesn´t want to do the dishes :D

We spoke together... he reminded me of a few moments when I certainly had a reason to be angry at him and he said that he wouldn´t mind if I yelled at him that time since his behavioral towards me was a little bit inappropriate and later it made me feel totally lost :-) He told I can yell at him right now if I want to. But I couldn´t, these things happen only in my mind. In reality I started to shiver and somehow, again, it ended up with me stating I hate myself and my body and everything that ever happened to me was my fault and then I started to cry... He tried to comfort me, telling me I am a good person and it couldn´t have been my fault, and I felt better after a while. His voice is very soothing as well as your friends´, Ryn :- )

Ryn, I am so sorry about that... I am glad your friend is understanding and I believe that you both will make it through... You would have certainly forgiven her if it was the opposite way. My best friend always tells me not to feel guilty for everything in my life. :- ) Sometimes even the things which are not good can make you get closer and be even greater support for each other - it worked for us, we kind of got closer because of some mistakes we both have made. But these didn´t destroy our friendship.

Muru, thank you with all my heart for your words :- ) I am also frightened when people are talking loudly, especially if they are drunk.

I realized recently how lucky I am for being able to tell him anything. This is the first time in my life I have this feeling. Our friends are really important and honesty is crucial in relationships :- )

Take care :- )