Anger Turned To Violence Please Help

[Queen Boudica]

Yer I'm giving him advice. I'm saying that he could have killed her and that is the only way to think about it to stop it. No talk about well she was behaving like an arsehole, that plants the seed in the mind and when you are out of control raging, that seed comes forward. Yes he is remorseful, and he needs help to deal with his rage. But unless you treat this seriously. And I mean seriously, he hit her on the head with a can. That could have killed her. Lucky escape.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I don't see how that is more equally. He hit her on the head. That could have killed her. yes she should not have hit him, but he started it he threw the cheeseburger at her, she had thrown it towards the dog. He is responsible for his self, not her. She couldn't have killed him by hitting him there, he could have. That is the whole point. No-one said she doesn't need help but equally at fault. Don't think so.

 

[Ed Norton]

She canned him in the balls. No seed planting but facts must be faced. I had a water bottle thrown in my eyes. I was kicked. So, I don't condone throwing the cheese burger which initiated this. He did leave the kitchen but it was insufficient to de-escalate the altercation. The best advice is to leave. I dealt with the bottle by the way but my response to the kick wasn't very pleasant.

 

[Queen Boudica]

OH NO. There you go that is exactly the problem here. She threw a cheeseburger on the floor so he then hit her. NO. She threw it at the floor. No threat there. That is your inbuilt deep misunderstanding about excuses. She can throw whatever she wants. He hits her that is assault, cheeseburger. He started that. No law against throwing a cheeseburger on the floor He could have walked away. I am facing facts and what I see is excuses.

 

[Ed Norton]

The fact is that he wants a solution. Nobody, least of all me said that he should have thrown the cheese burger. He should have left but he can't go backwards in time only forwards. I don't see what continual chastisement would accomplish.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It isn't chastisement. It is that there are people on here posting she was an arsehole and this underlying tone that this was just an argument gone wrong. Until abusers get in their head, that there is no such thing as being provoked in that situation. What I am advising to help him is to take what went on that day and gage that he could have killed her so he has it in his head next time he gets raged, not the idea well she was behaving like an arsehole. If he has in his head that she could have been killed, which she could have because he hit her in the head with a can; that is how to stop it. You are a weapon, and you could have killed her. So don't ever hit, walk away. It escalated in seconds to a life or death situation. So walk away. That is a valuable lesson

 

[Ed Norton]

It happens, mistakes were made. I don't know if the term abuser is appropriate in this case. To me that term connotes repetitive behavior. It was provocative to follow someone who was trying to escape from the situation. I think that I would have left but if I were followed, I wouldn't have resorted to physical violence but I probably would have destroyed something and yelled. Throw a TV, a microwave, smash a mirror etc...I know that I have, a very bad reaction to stuff now. But I know that it's not productive when I'm being provoked so I have learned to leave. I know that my reaction to the same situation would be terrible unless I completely remove myself.

 

[Sighs]

Ok, I'm probably going to regret wading into this, but...

As I understand it, they were arguing over money. Very stressful issue in many relationships. She threw her food to the dog. Childish, but not abusive or unacceptable. He then threw his food at her. Again, pretty childish. Personally, I would not consider having soft food thrown at me to be abusive. I don't even really consider it violent. Its soft food - she's not going to get hurt. If it ended there I would say they've both behaved like idiots but no real damage.

She then takes her drink bottle or can and hits him in the nuts??? Am I reading that right? And he then hits her in the head with a drink can? Ok. So, who is the abuser and who is the abused? Who is the victim of domestic violence? Him because he was hit first? Or her because she is female? I would say both. Both assaults are potentially able to cause serious injury. Neither are acceptable behavior.

 

[Sighs]

She threw a cheeseburger on the floor so he then hit her. NO. She threw it at the floor.

There are at least three steps in between that you are deliberately leaving out.

 

[Chava]

Throwing a cheeseburger at someone is pretty harmless. She responded by hitting him where it actually hurts. Sure he lost it. But he also did make efforts to get away from her and diffuse the situation. We also don't know how hard we hit her, so the over-and-over noting that he could have killed her? We have no idea (I want to say I really doubt it because anyone with a pattern of abuse would not so likely explain the situation here and hope for help).

The way she flipped out initially indicates a lot of stress. And hitting her in the head with a can is NOT okay (and let's remember neither was her hit to his privates). But the couple both needs help and I commend the OP for recognizing the problems here and honestly seeking help. I think couples counseling (and continued work for PTSD) sounds like a good thing to consider.

 

[nursenurse]

@Sighs, my thoughts too. Let's not derail this thread. The OP has acknowledged what he did and is asking for help so he won't repeat it. The focus needs to be on coping strategies for him so that he can play his part in a successful relationship. She needs help too, and the fact of the matter is, if she does not acknowledge her part, in that she was coping with her stress inadequately, which also helped to accelerate the situation, neither person will be happy and the relationship will be unworkable.

 

[Friday]

Yep. Food fights are childish. Temper tantrums are childish. The very real fear that next time it could escalate into something beyond throwing your burgers and drinks at each other, however? Good on ya, cause that's very much something to get on top of. Because, yep. Things can get much worse than wearing each other's lunches.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

Dealing With Anger