Sufferer Anger, Why Now?

[illusionist]

Hi everyone! I was brought up in care from birth. My adopted parents died when I was three and four, a year between each of them. I was then in a children's home for a year before going into long term foster care until I was 18. Abuses happened in the children's home, which I can remember. With the foster parents I suffered, along with four boys consistent physical, emotional and sexual abuse ( not sure if they were).....fear was an everyday emotion, along with the other emotions we all have in these circumstances.I prayed to God every night as a child that he would let me die so that I could be with my dad again and be safe ( adopted dad).....I pleaded so hard with him. As an adult I was raped twice and went through a five year abusive relationship. The rapes were easy for me to get over, don't know why but can honestly say I brushed myself down and got on with it. The marriage? Yes it was bad , but I've had worse I would tell myself. At 29 I finally crashed and all the things in my childhood flooded me regarding the abuse and also crying for my dad. I went to counselling for two years which was really really hard but got there. The only thing I couldn't feel or show was anger and we never did find it. In the UK we have had non stop bulletins regarding child sexual abusers for the past year or so, on the news. For the first time ever I feel an overwhelming anger for what happened, I feel it but so shot scared to let it out for fear of losing my sanity. I have bouts of flashbacks, nightmares etc maybe twice a year but allow them to pass using coping skills. This anger is totally new to me and don't know what I should do with it. The anger is only regarding the childhood abuse, I don't feel it with everyday life or towards my partner. I'm calming myself down from it but unsure if it's the right thing to do? Hope this question makes sense.

 

[Em C.]

Anger in this case could be a good thing as long as you deal with it in a healthy way. It means that you're coming to terms with your childhood trauma and realise it was wrong. Calming yourself is fine but don't repress the anger as that can lead to further complications.

I was in therapy once and for the first time I was so angry at my dad I was shaking and it was so weird and I fwelt out of control and scared. Anger is okay. Once I accepted that I wouldn't hurt anyone with my anger and just let it hit me (preferably when I'm alone), it was a lot easier to handle.

Good luck!

 

[Chava]

For the first time ever I feel an overwhelming anger for what happened, I feel it but so shot scared to let it out for fear of losing my sanity.

Your answer might relate to this statement. I think we protect ourselves by bottling anger or taking it out on ourselves or through other misplacements. It wasn't really okay for me to be angry. I think I've barely touched my own anger, sadness I can't handle seems to be more my thing. But the issue of it showing up later is that I sort of grew out of all of my distractions and am becoming less disconnected and numbed out. For my own health I had to let go of all the methods I had for numbing out. So now it's like I'm just raw sometimes. It's like the stuff comes back when our regular coping ways (mine were destructive) quit working or when we are grown up and don't have to protect ourselves so much. But still we might need help with all of it. Are you doing any therapy now? I think delayed anger is pretty normal among some of us. I brushed of a lot of stuff too because I really didn't care about myself...I could be trampled and not feel it. But there was a "self" buried and hurting somewhere in there. And she's still here...

 

[illusionist]

Em C I went to counselling 20 years ago, I'm now 49. I thought I'd long since accepted it and even as a kid knew it was wrong. This is the first of me having the slightest twinge of anger.

 

[Em C.]

hmm... It is probably healthy to be angry as long as you don't become bitter (see Raph from TMNT). It's catarctic or it can be

 

[Chava]

It can be. But I relate to feeling like I'll go insane...like too much anger (or sadness) and I don't have the right coping skills or ways to express it. I do a sort of somatic/body focused trauma therapy and that's been helpful for feeling and releasing emotions in manageable doses. I think all the distraction and numbing kept me from feeling flooded and totally destroying myself. But it's good to feel some of those feelings now, as I can handle them, because it helps my story/life/self feel a little more integrated...vs all these bad times where I just seemed vacant or had no feelings or sense of really even being there. If that makes sense. ??

 

[Nighthawk]

Hi welcom :)

 

[illusionist]

E C, I think that's what I'm frightened of as well. On my road to recovery I started looking at why people do these things and it made a huge difference to the "why" question and it helped a lot with acceptance of it. My brothers were eaten up with hatred and it led to their self destruction. I'm frightened of allowing that to happen as well. Chava that certainly does make sense. I have been lucky in that I have had no destructive behaviours, other than being a doormat pre counselling days. No I'm not in therapy at the moment.

 

[illusionist]

Thank you nighthawk

 

[intothelight]

@richter scale Welcome to the forum!

As an abused child, expressing anger or even recognizing it as anger may or may not happen. It isn't unusual to feel anger when coming to terms with abuse and recognizing it for what it really was. Trauma processing involves processing the emotions connected with the trauma and the emotions can come to the surface long after the trauma itself.

I hope you find the information here helpful and the support beneficial to your continued healing.

 

[illusionist]

Thank you intothelight.
I remembered something that happened which may be stopping me from allowing the anger to surface. When I was a teenager I fell at the local ice rink and had concussion. I remember waking up on the ground, on all fours, really angry, really sad, felt a deep, deep loss. Everyone was gathered around, looking down on on me. I looked at my friend and she was in tears, couldn't understand what I'd done to hurt her...and all these people looking down on me. My friend later told me that she had thought I was crazy, appeared to be letting out an awful lot of screaming and crying and shouting. My throat was certainly sore for days. I don't remember any of it tho certainly remember the shame in coming out of it. My foster parents were told at the hospital that I needed a good psychiatrist to which I was told they didn't want another nutter...My four older brothers all ended up getting psychiatric help. So I was never given the help....which is probably why I've felt intense shame with my ptsd as well. I certainly am learning a lot about myself from this forum. Finally finding some answers.

 

[RussH]

@richter scale First welcome to the forum.
You talked about the anger that you have now, for what has happened in the past, who knows why the delayed anger; perhaps something happened that triggered it, or you finally got to a place where you are ready to deal with the trauma, I don't know.

However I do know this; one way or another the anger has to come out. It will either come out in a controlled manner through counseling or therapy, or it will come out in a uncontrolled manner.

If it were me I would find a therapist that would work with me to allow the anger out in a controlled place and a controlled manner instead of just waiting for the eruption to take place.