Angry @ Therapist......again

[Crow]

I'm making incredible progress in therapy. You know how ptsd skews timelines? I've been able to begin perceiving time accurately. Like an abusive relationship I thought was six years, was actually 2.5 years. I'm less and less afraid I'm in imminent danger from that person.

After last session Monday I became extremely agitated with T. Seeing her again today so I'll talk about it but wondering if anyone has experience with this type of transference. How long does it last? Is there a way to nip it in the bud?

 

[Ronin]

I'd try to separate if the anger is me / issue / old abuse issues just rehashed (and in that, is it detrimential to me or is it the grrr, let's get angry, it's healing to get it out) / something therapist said / did / the therapist themselves just by being.

Multiple separate things. So where exactly does emotion rise from knowledge is helpful in sorting it, for the start.

 

[Born to Run]

Was there a specific reason to cause your agitation, since you mention transference?

 

[Crow]

Yeah. That's what was weird. It hit a few hours after session and has lasted all week. I'm thinking on some level I'm blaming her for ripping aqart my reality? Sounds stupid but resonates.

 

[Ronin]

Not stupid, no. Though that's where 'useful: you can start from the scratch, lot of space for it' thought might come in? In a way, whatever destroys your reality can also be seen as a gift to make a new one, closer to your experience, needs, and dreams.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I'd try to separate if the anger is me

Bumper sticker seen years ago. "Your anger becomes you" In general not an angry person, but I hate when that jumps out. Just a flash. I have cause to have anger at some actions against me. Hated when the abuser would say "you are angry." Just in my eyes, then a shutdown. Venting, I am learning. And not to feel shame for justified anger. Tight rope, walking, and around heart, and words, and dreams.

 

[Crow]

I get that intellectually. I'm gonna have to work through to the core. Strangely I've had no inclination to call my parents this week. That's progress. And T and I have emailed about politics and talked on the phone. I'm able to separate the anger from today's reality. The anger is using a lot of energy though

 

[Friday]

I often pick something small & immediate to be angry at -not on purpose- when there's something huge & unfixable -in theory- to be angry at that's driving it.

***

I wrote a 3 page diatribe about burritos not long ago...sat back...went FFS. This ain't right.

Am I really this angry at burritos? Nope.
Am I really this angry at my parents? (Who created The Great Burrito Incident of 2016) Nah.
Am I really this angry at stressor, stressor, stressor, me, stressor, stressor? Ding ding ding!

So instead I got mad about body armor.
Yeah.
Tried to distract myself from incipient meltdown & got angry at my distraction.
:banghead:

Anger has this ability to leak out -ooze, jump scare, sneak away, leap out & clobber- in all sorts of weird ass ways.

It's relaxing being angry at something that I can either fix relatively easily (like don't stay with my parents, Voila!), or don't really care that much about (I can always custom out armor, and it's not even on the top 100 of my priorities list). I *try* not to let myself go there, unless I need to burn off some degree of anger & the little 'uns are all flash and no substance, so don't put me at risk & I can go beat the hell out of a heavy bag or my sneakers and burn off the excess energy there. That way when I look at the BigBad? I'm 2 steps ahead, already burned off hella excess energy & grounded out... instead of swept up in a firestorm that is way too f*cking hot / can't burn it off without risk of self harm or worse.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe it's more agitation than anger @CrowFeather ?

Glad you're making progress. :hug:

 

[Crow]

Agitation at the core is anger....one of the lessons I've learned :)

T is the safest person in my hemisphere. I know I've been furious at her before and it was really my early abusers I was cursing. It'll be a fun conversation tomorrow. I just wish I could have identified this while in session.

Thanks guys!

 

[Tinyflame]

Agitation at the core is anger....one of the lessons I've learned :)

T is the safest person in my hemisphere. I know I've been furious at her before and it was really my early abusers I was cursing

That is a sweet way to put it.

I think perhaps not cursing but fearing etc applies for me, too. 'Agitated' is probably the lowest version (most minimized term, yikes, can't think of 'words' :rolleyes: ) of the fear & stuff felt.

:hug: